I'm not sure how many people are active or reading, but it does help me to write down this stuff...
I was thinking about the affair, and getting crushes on people during a relationship. I always thought that was possible; the longer a relationship, the higher the possibility that someday you might get a crush on someone. That's no one's fault. During our 5 years of long distance relationship, the one thing me and Ex always said was that the one thing we had control over was how to handle it. We promised each other that if it happened, we would be honest with each other, and respectful. You can't control love, but you can control how you treat someone.
So I was away from the age of 20 to 25. I had lots of guys flirting with me, even though I never liked any of them because I'm very picky and very much starry-eyed about Ex. But I did have a crush on the one guy.
He was a classmate of mine, and there was just... the spark, you know? When we hang out all together at the pub afterward, playing pool, everyone could tell he liked me. I don't deny the attention felt nice, but I never considered doing anything about it. Over the years, we were just friends, and not even very close at that, because we got along really well.
A few years later, the crush hit full force, I don't know why. I remember this one afternoon - we went for a few pints, chatted, and even though he wasn't nearly as attractive now nor did we see each other very often, my head was just spinning. I remember sitting on the bus going home afterward and my body was just BURNING UP with desire. I was shocked, breathless, I didn't know what was going on or why. I don't remember ever feeling that way before, and the thing is, there was no rational reason for it. Just chemistry, or whatever.
But the thing is - I'm a rational person. And I loved and respected my Ex. And I abhor cheating. So I swallowed it all back down, got on that bus, ranted about it to my flatmate - who by the way suggested I get it out of my system since I was abroad and no one would ever know - stopped calling him and seeing him and I determined to squash it down until it passed.
I knew all along there was no future with him, there was no rhyme or reason for my crush, it was just a momentary thing. I knew that what I had built with my Ex was much too important to throw it away for an irrational surge of passion. And I could never have looked at myself in the mirror if I had cheated. I respected my Ex way too much.
Don't get me wrong, the guy had good qualities, or we wouldn't be friends. In many ways, we had more in common than with my Ex. We were both into arts and literature, both mature, both dealing with fatherless families, both responsible. He chatted a lot about interesting things while with my Ex I often had the impression I was talking by myself because he doesn't talk much, and he's not that much into cultural stuff. He was so thoughtful - once he surprised me out of nowhere with a present: he knew I knitted, so he went to a yarn store, involved all the ladies there and got me some excellent yarn, plus a book I had been wanting to read for years.
My Ex has never done anything like this for me. He's never been so thoughtful. I was absolutely floored.
Anyway, I squashed everything down, and pass it did. Eventually, the next time we met up, I looked at him and saw him for what he was - a good friend, someone I got along with, but wasn't attracted to in the slightest. The tension was gone. It had built up to the breaking point, until the point where I would either have an affair or walk away, and I made the right choice. Now we are just friends, barely talk, he's finally got a girlfriend - we've moved on.
And nowadays, I find myself wondering why I went through all that trouble when my Ex didn't bother doing the same for me - and ran off on an affair with someone he's known for a few weeks and who certainly isn't as 'strong' a competitor as my friend was. I find myself wondering why I chose to stay with someone who wasn't as well matched with me as my friend was, or as thoughtful, or as mature and responsible. I loved him, and I thought he was honest, mature and respectful... which he's just shown me he isn't.
I wonder if I shouldn't have called it quits when I had my moment of weakness, because I made a great effort to stay faithful and got feck all in return. I might as well have scratched that itch, lived those emotions, since Ex clearly didn't care enough to do the same for me. And now he's off enjoying the ride, while I don't know when I'll ever feel those emotions again for anyone.
...I say that, but I know I couldn't have lived with myself if I'd done it. I didn't do it as a favour to my Ex, I did it for my own integrity and principles. Something I thought my Ex shared.
I guess what I'm getting at is that I understand what went through his head... up to a point. But what I don't understand is how he could actually go through with it, and with me right there, not miles away abroad. I couldn't have done it, and I didn't.
It's easy to be faithful when there's no one you like, the point is if you can be faithful when you do get a crush on someone else. For me it was worth it - I understood that a crush didn't mean I didn't love my Ex anymore, so I rode it out. As for him, he probably thinks that being attracted to someone else means it must all be over with me.
Me: 26, BF: 33, R: 9yrs Bomb dropped April 17th 2014 Currently No Contact
