So I went for a power walk with a close friend. She said I could work on being more vulnerable. Bingo! She's right. I'm not sure how to do that....so I will keep working towards allowing myself to be vulnerable.
D9 is having a difficult time. She has much built up anger and rage and does well with therapy. I went for a walk with S11 last night (and my beloved doggie) and S11 told me that he was telling the therapist that he was sad his dad moved out and glad that he didn't have to see him much. I told him that I was sad that his dad moved out too and that it's okay to feel whatever way he does. He said he never thought we wouldn't be together as we always got along. I told him sometimes things happen and there really isn't a great explanation. My 2 older kids really struggle with h's lack of attention to them and not "being there" other than in the physical sense the few hours a week he sees them. As a result, I have the kids around many positive male influences as I want them to know how many people love and care about them.
H did not deposit his portion of support at the beginning of the month because "he has to pay his bills first (he's never done this before)to see if he can afford this." For some reason a friend decided to text me (she follows him) h took the day off to spend the day playing video games with his gf as this is her "last ever summer break." While I sigh at some of this, I don't react the way I used to. Sometimes no response is the best response.
I have realized some more things these last few weeks and my IC brought a couple of things to my attention. I was always "pulling h" because he was depressed. I am generally an optimist and a happy person. H's nickname for himself has negative in the title. He used to always say that people were so much nicer to me than him and that things that happened to me would never happen to him. Depression is an illness and was not his fault, however, I would get exhausted trying to keep my house, 3 kids, h, and job running as smoothly as possible. I was probably cranky and not feeling like sharing the intimacy a couple needs. I just wanted some help. However, I understand that he felt neglected. He was neglected in the intimacy department.
This sounds bad (and I'm being honest) but h felt like having a 4th child sometimes. I always tried not to treat him that way. However, I always took the kids so he could nap, sleep late, and play video games. Mmmmm. I thought I was doing the right thing when I was probably enabling the behavior.
He continues to do odd things. I don't react or say anything. When he brought the boys back sunday afternoon, the youngest s had pooped in a pullup earlier in the day. H dumped out a backpack of toys (he didn't want them in his car) and put a plastic bag on the couch. He said, "Oh s pooped earlier in his pullup so I brought it back." Then he scurried out the door. On a funny note, D9 asked, "On what planet do you send someone's doo-doo home with them?"
What a week! Breakfast for moms at the kids' school tomorrow. I'm a sports freak so I am excited about the draft tomorrow night and the weekend at the lake. Hope everyone is having a great week:)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Really he played video games all day. That says it all.
It really hurts that they are doing this to the kids but I remind myself that I need to show my kids how to handle tough situations so they can learn. You are doing the same and I think having them therapy gives them tools they will use regarding this and with other problems
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
GB - wow...just wow on the poop thing. sometimes they do things that are just so illogical!! That one would definitely make the top 20 list of MLC weird things. Hey you're not alone in that H felt like a 4th child comment. I felt like my H's mother for many years. Him leaving made me realize that I was over responsible, he was under responsible, and now I'm working on that - on me. I let that happen. I didn't do it to be controlling, although it is a controlling behavior, I did it because I was trying to let him relax after work and wanted to be the good wife and let's be real here - who else was going to do it (chores etc). Now I can see that I should have shared more responsibility and he should have taken more as well. I would feel resentment and then it would build inside me because I never did learn to communicate that well. Neither did he. Anyway, that's where that gift of time comes in - now i'm seeing things more clearly and using this time to work on me so my next relationship will not be like this one. Not that I can prevent an MLC from happening, I gotta tell ya, i'm no where near ready to date but when I think about it.. and I do... that maybe one day i'll meet someone new and what if this happens again. I know, can't worry about that now, i'm getting ahead of myself. Sorry to ramble on - just wanted to give you some support and check in on ya - we're on such a similar timeline so I like to see what yours is up to
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
TL, you are always welcome to share. I love (well it makes me sad yet comforted) to read about others. I agree. I really wasn't trying to "control" everything by doing it all. I just thought it needed to get done-eventually. For example, 2 BRs in our house were the only rooms with out new flooring. The new flooring was put in by h 5 years ago and a professional "finished" about 2 years ago. Every 6 months or so I would ask h (if he wasn't working and was at home) if he could do the floors in the BRs. He said yes. At this point, he had not been working (and kids were at school or daycare) for 8 months. At the year mark, I did ask if he thought he might have time to do the floors. He said yes. It never happened. 3 months later, I had someone come in and do it. I wasn't mad or anything. I just thought I was helping since it had been over 5 years. Right after BD, H brought up the floor situation which just proved "I doubted him" and I didn't think he would "come through." I just saw it as getting something finished after 5 years.
Is anyone else ready for the weekend? I am. My kids gave me a heart that lights up when you hold it with "We Always Love You" engraved on the front last night.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
GB that is so funny (to me) that your H was off work so long and didn't do things, it was like we were married to the same guy. Mine was off like a year. I worked full time the entire marriage. He was off another time for 6 months I think, and after BD said that was MY fault. I hear ya on the not being mad, just thought it was helping as far as finishing the floors go. I would have done the same thing. You just take care of things - that's me too. My exH would probably say I was setting him up for failure. Sometimes he got mad if I did things and thought I was trying to one up him. That wasn't the case at all, I just like to have things done so I can sit and relax without the list of things to do hovering over me. I would say you waited plenty long to let him handle it. That's so sweet your kids gave you that! Must have made you light up! Have a great weekend GB!
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
Great day so far! Walk with s11 and dog 11.5:). Then took D9 to get some shorts and stopped at a place that sold homemade ice cream. Then we found the Amish bakery. Other 2 kids stayed with h's parents. Kinda negated the walk this am:)
I had to share this after reading Brooklyn Mom's post. When I picked the older 2 up from school yesterday, they were both very upset. They said," Mommy, Daddy was cussing at us this morning and saying horrible things about you this am." I told them I was sorry and that I would be just fine no matter what their dad said. S11 was on the verge of tears and said, " Daddy said you are horrible person and you have been wrong about everything the last 12 years." D9 said, " Yes, and he said you've never said you were sorry about all of the awful things you've done the last 12 years." I admit that internally I was dealing with a cross of anger and uncontrollable laughter. I waited , composed my thoughts and said (and I have no idea if this was the right or best answer), " I'm sorry that upset you. Mommy makes lots of mistakes. Always have and we all mistakes. Sometimes I have not realized every mistake immediately. However, when I do something wrong, I admit it and own it. It's the only way to grow and learn."
Really h........ Happy Mother's Day to everyone! Whether you are a mother to a child, furry person or a maternal figure, it's a great job to have:)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
You are handling this with such grace GB. seriously, that had to be hard to hear even when you know it isn't true. He is monstering in front of your kids, that's gotta be difficult, I think I remember you saying they were in counseling so hopefully that helps them with this. I'm really sorry to hear that. keep up your positive attitude, you're' an inspiration
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
So, just journaling a bit and thinking about some things discussed with IC.
Getting ready for a yard sale in the next 2 weeks.... I'm not sure I am the best DBer, however, I'm trying to get better:)
Ditto here. I need to gather up things for a yard sale (whatever he doesn't take...have a ton of kids clothes that need to go to the consignment shop as well) and I'm trying to get better at DBing. That said, he knows EXACTLY what buttons to push to set me off, if you can't tell in my thread.
I'll be following your threads, as we seem to hvae a lot of similarities in our situations. I think H is going through a MLC, but sans a girlfriend (at this time.)
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
Just a FYI....the MLCers generally cannot stand to be alone so don't be surprised if OW shows up soon. I hope not, however it seems to occur quite frequently.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
