Left Behind Newlywed

[dingo]

As all these situations are very similar, there is a lot you can learn by reading others' threads. Mine is very very similar in the things that we argued about, the having children situation, etc.

Of course the things that your wife says are almost all script so you need to learn what to give weight to and what not to. Regardless, there are clues in everything she is saying that you need to recognize.

The bottom line is that there were issues in your marriage. In the past, while you both may have realized something was off, neither of you took decisive action to fix it so it continued to deteriorate. It took your wife to finally have had enough to shock you into action - and that's ok. We're all here cause our situations evolved similarly. If it wasn't her, it would have been you - eventually - or you both would have tolerated an unfulfilling relationship for the rest of your lives.

So look at this as a gift. You now recognize your failures and your faults because she has slapped you hard enough in the face to really make you take a hard look at yourself. Now you need to do the same to her.

In order for things to get fixed, she will have to go through the same path of self-discovery. You can't help her, or encourage her. Its something she has to do on her own, because she wants to.

The ONLY way that will happen is if she starts to see herself losing things that were once important to her. Exactly the same thing it took for you. So - your mission is to start pulling away, being less available and setting up some boundaries. You have to get tough. Scan the current threads for posts from Starsky and Sandi. They have great advice for how to get tough and set boundaries without coming across as an [censored] and I wish I followed their advice more often than I did.

If you've read DR and DB, you know that the only thing you can control is you and the only person that can make you happy is yourself. Everything you do needs to be done for you and you alone. It may pull her back to you, it may not. But if you're happy with yourself, eventually, it won't matter.