I feel like I'm in a nightmare that I can't wake up from. She left me a few hours ago.
First, I'll explain about us.
We're both 38 and have children from previous relationships. We went to high school together but never knew each other.
We connected via Facebook 3.5 years ago and I asked her out, the rest is history.
My fiancée is a recovering alcoholic. When we first started dated, we drank...a lot. I eventually stopped but she kept going. She was admitted to a 30 day rehab in September. I was a mess I missed her so much. She came out of rehab with flying colors and has not had a drink since. However, she is not following a 12 step program and is what is considered a "dry drunk". She doesn't physically drink alcohol but she is very much entangled in the depression, self pity. She often feels like she is a victim but chooses to not do anything about it.
I've noticed our sex life diminish to almost nothing. She is withdrawn, and prefers to stay on Facebook as much as she can. I have always felt in a competition with Facebook and we have had many fights over it.
She also has a codependant relationship with her mother. Her mother, 2x divorced, is always nice to my face, but I feel encourages my fiancé to leave me so she can move in with her. It's almost like her mother wants to be sisters with my fiancé and raise her child together.
We've also had blow ups about that too.
I am 38, divorced, and have a daughter from that relationship. I see my daughter frequently.
My fiancé and I have always had a hot/cold relationship. When we fight, we fight! After she became sober, I took a much softer stance. Tried but not always successful at keeping my voice down etc. She on the other hand is a powder keg. She will scream and curse at times.
About 2 months ago, we moved into my parents basement to start saving for a house (the down payments are ridiculous!). I am very much a control freak when it comes to money. My ex-wife used to sneak money from our account and our house was almost forclosed on as a result. Needless to say, I can be controlling with my fiancé when it comes to money.
At first things were great! We're saving money, we're going with the realtor to look at houses and talking about married life. But I still feel a disconnect from her. We aren't having sex, she claims she has zero sex drive and that she's not sure why. She was very promiscuous in her 20's. She was a bartender with a drinking problem.
She also lost that twinkle in her eye when she looked at me. Rarely asked about my day becauase I was always being there for her while she worked at a job she hated. Very codependant of me.
Slowly she has fallen into the lure of wishing she could "just have a glass of wine". More and more she talked about this. I think she may be close to relapse. I finally told her very sternly "either do something about it or stop complaining!". She has zero interest in AA. They can't "understand what she is going through".
Lately we've been arguing more. I want more from her, I want her to act like she's in love with me again. She tells me she has nothing left to give and feels like she is trapped in a prison in her own mind.
Fast forward to last night. SHe came home, was very despondent and went to bed at 8pm without saying a word. I went downstairs later and she woke up when I opened the door. She asked what was wrong. I told her that she's distant, that I didn't blame her, but that I hated her addiction. She told me this is how I will be for the rest of my life, maybe you need to think if you want to be with me. I told her she needed to get off her a$$ and do something about it, stop feeling sorry for herself. She became irate and started yelling and cursing.
This morning she woke up and went upstairs. She spoke to my mom about us having issues but that she loved me. My mom suggested counseling to her and she seemed receptive to her. She then came downstairs and said she was willing to go counseling when her insurance kicked in at her new job. She also asked if it was too late for us. I told her I didn't know. The convo started heading for another argument and told her I didn't have time for it and left for the gym.
She spent the day at her mom's house and texted me that she wanted to know when I would be home, she wanted to talk. I immediately felt like she was going to end it. She had spent the day with her mom and I'm sure was enabled to end things, "you can do better" etc etc.
She came home, told me it wasn't working and that she was leaving. She'd been thinking about this for a few months. She has nothing left to give and she can't give me what I need. I lost it, I cried, told her I didn't want this, we'd been through so much together, we have a family. I balled while she packed. 2 days ago she was showing me wedding rings online and holding my hand in church. How could this be????
I don't understand how quickly this happened. She packed her things and went to her mom's house.
Can someone please tell me how to process this? I'm feeling a panic attack coming on and my world just collapsed.
Yesterday was my first day of NC. I miss her so much! How could this have happened when on Thursday night, she was looking at wedding rings on her phone while we watched American Idol. As recently as two weeks ago, we were looking at homes to but with our realtor.
I feel sick to my stomach and like I'm having an out of body experience (panic attack?).
She still has me as her profile pic on facebook and is in a relationship with me.
Is this the mind of a recovering alcholic not working their program???
I'm so confused and I feel blindsided. I plan to stay in LRT and not initiate any contact but this is absolutely killing me.
Something else I struggle with is GAL. My fiance and I did everything together, I realize now that we should of had time apart to pursue other interests.
I am a bit introverted so I have a hard time making new friends. I can't beleive how alone I feel.
I'm at work and I feel like a zombie. Please tell me this gets easier.
Hey Thornton, I can identify with your situation. I am an alcholic and went through the dry drunk stage. That's something she will have to work through on her own. You can't help her with that except to be supportive. She probably does not know her identity with not drinking, I know I didn't. It took my wife leaving me for me to GAL.
You mentioned you two used to do everything together, so it sounds like you'll need to find your own GAL activites as well. Focus on what you can control- YOU.
What's your workout routine? What activities do you like to do? What can you do to spend more time with your kids? What made your fiancee fall in love with you? Are you that same person? What do you need to work on in yourself?
When she comes over tonight to get her things, don't bring up relationship talk. Do be chipper, read through the 37 rules and apply them. Help her load the car, don't ask questions, and validate her feelings if she expressed them.
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
She is 9 months sober, never followed through with AA after rehab and has slowly gotten worse. I almost wonder if it's the dry drunk in her that made her flip-flop from looking at houses and wedding rings last week to breaking up. Seems so fast to me.
You are right, I do need to GAL. I am a gym regular, have been for years. It definately helps. However, I do not have many guy friends to hang out with. Most of them are married with families.
Regarding tonight, I feel panicked that this all final. She's made up her mind, received validation from her family, and she's not going to look back. I realize this is just fear, but it's so consuming.
Thursday night she was looking at wedding rings on her phone. Saturday night, "I have nothing left to give. We're broken."
I'm sorry you are hurting so much right now. It is not easy to gp through this. But it sounds like she has a lot to work on--- and you as well. Is it possible that she is making the right choice for herself right now? Is it possible it is for the best for both of you that you don't enter a marriage together right now? You both have children. I'd think in that case you'd want to be especially cautious not to rush into a marriage.
What is so bad about taking some time to work on your own personal issues before you decide whether to move forward together or not?
(Perhaps part of "divorce busting" is not rushing into marriage in the first place? )
