He says he doesn't understand why I'm so upset and don't just get on with my life, like this is no big deal
Why don't they just go away? Why do they act like it's no big deal, get over it?
Hard to say really. If you've seen Cadet's posting of lists of reading, you'll see it's not uncommon. It seems to me that the nature is: selfishness, control, and pretending everything is "normal". That seems to me like how a depressed or mentally anguished person acts. As is often mentioned regarding a MLCer, believe none of what they do and half of what they say. The reason for that is that, well, they lie. They act like aliens, even to themselves. I suspect that's why later, after the dust settles, they really don't remember much of the junk they spew. At first. They know they treated you horribly, but not the specifics. As if it was somebody else doing it, at the time.
The key is to see what they do with that shame, guilt, etc after the journey.
How long is the journey? Nobody knows nor can predict.
For the family members, it's as if an IED went off close to them. Devastating and painful. To have them keep coming back as if it's your fault and "why can't we just get along" builds a lot more character in you then you might like right now
It's been 7 or 8 years since my wife left. It started with ILYBINILWY speech, then went on to she wanted to date etc. Then to blaming me. She remarried a few months after the divorce. She has been trying to "take" the kids, even though she left them at the time. She still, as recently as a few days ago, tries to do the same as your H is doing. Because I don't respond, she has recruited her H and my daughter into the drama. To me, it feels like she is trying to control things and still trying to blame me for her unhappiness. Along the way, she has been trying to do that in those words...
Why? I honestly do not know. I'm not perfect and never was, but 7 or 8 years later?
I talk about that because you should know that you need to figure out what you're going to do regardless of what he does. You need to work on you regardless of what is going on around you in relation to him. He will try very hard to illicit a reaction from you. He will feel in control if he can. In some ways, he will be if he can get a reaction from you.
Think about it. He's not doing this explicitly to hurt you. That's a symptom not the reason. You can't tell him that and you can't help him. But you can focus on you and your D and work to be a joyful person that enjoys her life without him.
You won't understand it, Tears. To do so would be to understand crazy. I don't wish that on you.
You are still grieving. That comes with all kinds of fun such as sorrow, anger, acceptance, etc. By fun I mean it is hard work that you cannot avoid. I promise it gets better and more manageable whether they go away or not. Whether they try to upset the apple cart or not. Whether or not he's in your life in any capacity. How and when is up to you. You'll get there when you get there.
Allow yourself the time to grieve and try to not get riled up by his antics. And don't beat yourself up if you do or if you have days that feel like a set back. Just remember the next day is a new day and could be a great one. Keep putting those great days together and allow that the bad ones come and go more quickly as time progresses. Regardless of what he does or doesn't do.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
