[BrightFuture]

Happy Mother’s Day to all amazing, strong, beautiful Moms!

We did some power shopping with my GF last weekend. We also had some relaxing time and lots of conversations. She is dating now, and oh boy, what a different prospective she has. She stopped pressuring me to “cut the cord” with H and started asking some interesting questions. I was actually able to give her some DB advice.

Then I had a very busy week. Started my new job on Monday. The company had a lot of events dedicated to the first quarter results. I even won a portable grill in a raffle! Not bad for the start, ha.

My friends (from vacation home place) came back from their trip to Europe on Thursday. I had to scramble to get my house ready for them and cook some food. I had to go to work on Friday and they stayed in the house and did some errands. When I came home from work, they were preparing food for barbeque and as soon as I walked in the door I was handed a cocktail drink. It was very nice. We set outside while my male friend was cooking. We were drinking and talking. My male friend expressed once again how lucky I was living in this city and this house, and how he still doesn’t understand why H left all of this.

They were supposed to go home on Saturday, but my GF wanted to stay one more day to spend more time with me. Apparently H expected them to be home on Saturday and wanted to come over with some pork chops to cook.

They left this morning. My house is a disaster after the baby running around with food and spilling milk all over the place.

H called on Wednesday and left a message (I was at the meeting at work) to ask our male friend to call him when they arrive and asked me to pick up some electrical sign from his brother. This sign belonged to H’s Dad and he wanted our friends to bring it over with them, since it would not feet in H’s car (our friends have a van.) I called H back in a few hours and left a message that I would make sure to get that sign from his brother. He called me in the evening saying that he didn’t understand part of my message where I said that I was not sure if our friends were arriving on Thursday or Friday, since I got some conflicting messages from them. The conversation was mostly about this. He also told me that his work situation changed and he will be driving to the state where he works this week. He still wants to pick up his drums. I asked him when he will be coming and that I will be at work. He said that he doesn’t need me to be home, because he only wants to pick up the drums. He asked of it would be ok for him to come over and told me that he has a key to the house, then he asked me if I changed the key. I said no. I asked him to give me a call before he comes.

I’m still not sure if I should allow him to come to the house without me. I don’t feel comfortable. I think I’m going to tell him that he has to wait for me to get home. On the other side, I’m not looking forward to watching him loading his drums into his camper. I had enough stress already, starting a new job, him calling me and our friends visiting. I had some old wounds to reopen again. Maybe I should put the drums in the garage. I still think that he still would come into the house using some other excuse. I have a feeling that he would be curious to check it out.

So, here I am again, having these emotions of grief and regret and sadness. I hope it will pass after I deal with H this week, and I will settle down for my new life. I think my friends visit had a lot to do with it as well. It is just impossible to have a conversation without mentioning H in some way. I’ve learnt some more stuff. I am almost certain now that H is firmly in replay with no signs of it ending anytime soon. My GF told me that she thinks that H is looking for a mother figure to get some attention. She said that he expects her and her H to take care of some things that he is completely capable of taking care of on his own. He also wants to hang around and have dinners at their house, but doesn’t want any responsibility of helping to clean or do anything. He just wants to have fun and party.

On a positive note, I got an unexpected ally in my GF (mutual friend.) She told me that she was glad that neither of us is pursuing an official divorce. I asked her why and she told me that she has this hope that we will get back together. She wants us to get back together. She understands that H is at a different place right now, but she hopes that one day he will realize what he might lose for good and that it will not be too late.

I will post more later. My son wants to take me out for lunch today. I don’t expect anything from H, since he didn’t acknowledge Mother’s Day last year. I will also catch up on other threads. I’ve been trying to keep up, but I cannot read this site at work.