I echo everything Betsey said about the PA fans. In my entire life I've never seen anything like it and I've gone to sporting arenas in a lot of different states. I've been to Nats park when the Phillies come to town and it's just really disgusting. When the Penguins come in to play the Capitals, I swear there are almost as many Pittsburg fans are there are Caps fans (which I blame the Caps season ticket holders for) and there are always fights and usually it's the Penguin fans being thrown out.
Well, I'm not a fan of fighting fire with fire, so I don't give Pittsbg a pass even if Philly's more obnoxious. You'll probably guess I'm not a big sports attender. I've only been to a handful of games, and only as someone's guest.
Meanwhile my nephew sat behind me fussing because there was only one good fight. He really is a nice kid, I think. Just comes from a loud obnoxious family and thinks it's funny.
What I really don't get is why more people don't pull me aside and say "WTH happened to you two, and are you ok?"
I guess they think if they don't bring it up they won't upset me. Or they're afraid I might show some feelings.
Well it makes a good litmus test I think, to tell who is really real, and brave, and cares.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I used to wonder that about H's family. I wrote about it a lot here. I was putting my expectations of right actions on other people. That's not what they do and if I'm looking for that kind of support from them, I might as well go to the hardware store for bread.(love AlAnon slogans)
They are who they are and we can have a fine R but it won't include that kind of support.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Ok this has me tossing and turning this morning so i thought maybe i can journal it here and possibly get some input from my support team rather than fire it off to h at 5 am.
I stood up for my values but not forcefully enough and i want to both express myself more clearly and log documented written notice. So im going to email.
Dear h: I wanted to be more clear about my objection to the way you joked with s14 yesterday. Suggesting that his car project, which he worked very hard on and was proud of, was the right shape to go up a rectum, was inappropriately gross and questionably sexual, as well as a put-down disguised as humor. Because i would like the kids to know that i object to both put downs and sexual kinds of joking, i will ask you to stop if it happens again.
Sincerely, etc
I'll send it later. Tried for "when you do x i feel y and therefore i would like for z to happen or else i will do abc" format of boundary setting. Didnt do more in the moment other than a stern "thats gross h" because a) taken off guard, b) didnt want to create a scene, c) wasnt really clear in my head that this was unacceptable...i'm more pissed about it now than i was at the time, d) its just completely typical h. I want to show my kids they can ask for better treatment though, hopefully without harming whatever parental affection they might receive from h.
There, now thats out maybe i can sleep another hour or two.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Whose father says stuff like that? Has anyone heard of a parent who would think that's a funny thing to say?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
My ex has had some of the most unsuitable, disgusting things come out of his mouth. Pointing it out has not made things improve. Usually it has made him more angry and accusatory of me. He will not likely be receptive to anything you have to say.
It is far better for the kids to speak to it if it bothers them - not you.
I had to learn this the hard way. My MLC ex does not want the Mommy figure admonishing him.
But see - we have been conditioned by him not to be bothered by what he says. I'm the one whose eyes have been opened. Leaving it to the boys to be bothered (unlikely) and then speak up for themselves (far less likely) means they may grow up to abuse their own children. Because they've seen nothing different, no one stopped it, and it must have been ok because it was shrugged off.
I definitely worry about looking like i'm overreacting, but i think i need to give H a label for what i see him doing.
I mean gosh. You cant get that visual out of your head if you look at s14's racecar that he built. That was wrong of h and whether he agrees or not someone should stop taking his buffoonery.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I'm sorry your x was inappropriate too, but in a way possibly encouraged that maybe theres just a subset of guys for whom this is socially acceptable???
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
If after the overnight rule you still want to address this, I say do it. It IS inappropriate.
I know it probably won't change things, but if I'm not mistaken, this is about your feelings in regards to something that has to do with the kids. I say go for it, if only to make you feel like you're standing up,for yourself.
Happy Mother's Day!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I think i feel best understood by the observation that this is about me feeling self esteem by not repressing my feelings and my values in the face of h's strong personality. It's about me and not about whether h will change or not. It's about showing my kids that my values matter to me.
But by the time i've given this more thought and a little more water under the bridge, i may not bother. There will always be a next time.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
rather than fire it off to h at 5 am.