I feel like I'm in a nightmare that I can't wake up from. She left me a few hours ago.
First, I'll explain about us.
We're both 38 and have children from previous relationships. We went to high school together but never knew each other.
We connected via Facebook 3.5 years ago and I asked her out, the rest is history.
My fiancée is a recovering alcoholic. When we first started dated, we drank...a lot. I eventually stopped but she kept going. She was admitted to a 30 day rehab in September. I was a mess I missed her so much. She came out of rehab with flying colors and has not had a drink since. However, she is not following a 12 step program and is what is considered a "dry drunk". She doesn't physically drink alcohol but she is very much entangled in the depression, self pity. She often feels like she is a victim but chooses to not do anything about it.
I've noticed our sex life diminish to almost nothing. She is withdrawn, and prefers to stay on Facebook as much as she can. I have always felt in a competition with Facebook and we have had many fights over it.
She also has a codependant relationship with her mother. Her mother, 2x divorced, is always nice to my face, but I feel encourages my fiancé to leave me so she can move in with her. It's almost like her mother wants to be sisters with my fiancé and raise her child together.
We've also had blow ups about that too.
I am 38, divorced, and have a daughter from that relationship. I see my daughter frequently.
My fiancé and I have always had a hot/cold relationship. When we fight, we fight! After she became sober, I took a much softer stance. Tried but not always successful at keeping my voice down etc. She on the other hand is a powder keg. She will scream and curse at times.
About 2 months ago, we moved into my parents basement to start saving for a house (the down payments are ridiculous!). I am very much a control freak when it comes to money. My ex-wife used to sneak money from our account and our house was almost forclosed on as a result. Needless to say, I can be controlling with my fiancé when it comes to money.
At first things were great! We're saving money, we're going with the realtor to look at houses and talking about married life. But I still feel a disconnect from her. We aren't having sex, she claims she has zero sex drive and that she's not sure why. She was very promiscuous in her 20's. She was a bartender with a drinking problem.
She also lost that twinkle in her eye when she looked at me. Rarely asked about my day becauase I was always being there for her while she worked at a job she hated. Very codependant of me.
Slowly she has fallen into the lure of wishing she could "just have a glass of wine". More and more she talked about this. I think she may be close to relapse. I finally told her very sternly "either do something about it or stop complaining!". She has zero interest in AA. They can't "understand what she is going through".
Lately we've been arguing more. I want more from her, I want her to act like she's in love with me again. She tells me she has nothing left to give and feels like she is trapped in a prison in her own mind.
Fast forward to last night. SHe came home, was very despondent and went to bed at 8pm without saying a word. I went downstairs later and she woke up when I opened the door. She asked what was wrong. I told her that she's distant, that I didn't blame her, but that I hated her addiction. She told me this is how I will be for the rest of my life, maybe you need to think if you want to be with me. I told her she needed to get off her a$$ and do something about it, stop feeling sorry for herself. She became irate and started yelling and cursing.
This morning she woke up and went upstairs. She spoke to my mom about us having issues but that she loved me. My mom suggested counseling to her and she seemed receptive to her. She then came downstairs and said she was willing to go counseling when her insurance kicked in at her new job. She also asked if it was too late for us. I told her I didn't know. The convo started heading for another argument and told her I didn't have time for it and left for the gym.
She spent the day at her mom's house and texted me that she wanted to know when I would be home, she wanted to talk. I immediately felt like she was going to end it. She had spent the day with her mom and I'm sure was enabled to end things, "you can do better" etc etc.
She came home, told me it wasn't working and that she was leaving. She'd been thinking about this for a few months. She has nothing left to give and she can't give me what I need. I lost it, I cried, told her I didn't want this, we'd been through so much together, we have a family. I balled while she packed. 2 days ago she was showing me wedding rings online and holding my hand in church. How could this be????
I don't understand how quickly this happened. She packed her things and went to her mom's house.
Can someone please tell me how to process this? I'm feeling a panic attack coming on and my world just collapsed.
