Right after BD, I struggled a lot with feelings of not being good enough. What is so bad about me that my H thinks that breaking apart our family, missing out on 50% of the time with our D, taking our D away from me for the other 50% of the time, and struggling financially (him, not me) is a better option? After a while I got over those feelings. Or so I thought. They are back again, big time. I know that I have abandonment issues from my childhood and my H leaving me (twice now) certainly hasn't helped them. I'm thinking a lot about why I'm not good enough for people to want to love me. I'm kind and intelligent and caring and attractive and loyal and so many other good things. But I'm still not good enough for him to TRY to fix our marriage. I'm honestly not sure if I can get over this to consider R if he goes through with a D. How am I supposed to subject myself to this yet again?
Enough of that...I've made myself a promise to try to focus on at least one positive thing every time I post. I've got two. I forgot to mention yesterday that I met my D at her school at lunchtime for a Mother's Day event they were having. It was a lot of fun and she was so happy that I was there. Today, I spent the day at a women's event at church. It was a really great event. I go to a big church, so I don't know everyone. I met a few women who were really sweet and invited me to join their care group. We had an exercise where we were supposed to talk about our struggles, so I shared that my H told me on Tuesday that he wanted a D. I teared up, but did not cry or break down. They were understanding and didn't seem judgmental at all. It helped a bit to share with a stranger.
