Starting to get it

[mustardseed]

Thank you for your advice and feedback. I didn't realize that my validation was also diagnosing but now I see that it is. No more. I am done caring about what happens to Him.

Last weekend was awful. We didn't fight, in fact I thought we had a good heart to heart. Later he fed the kids and said he needed to go for a drive to clear his head but didn't come home until the next morning. I couldn't sleep all night. The kids were asking me when he would be home. I was pissed and scared and suddenly realized--here is a boundary. For the first time I stopped being understanding and accepting and I told him he won. I give up. I'm done. I think my change in attitude surprised him. I think I made my point. We are still on the road to divorce but I feel much better about it. I still hope things work out down the road, but I'm done being the one who has to stay positive in spite ofshitty treatment. I'm done making excuses for him when he lets the kids down.

I want out. This is my life too! My main goal is to just get out of our current living situation which is dependent on his job and both of us hate. Whether he follows me or not is up to Him. Unfortunately financially this isn't possible right now, so I am looking for a better job, hopefully in another country where I actually have a support system. I really feel like if we can start cutting ties to his shitty job things will start to get better for all of us. Whether we are together at the end I f this or not remains to be seen.

We actually had a talk about things. Our usual MO is to avoid each other and keep everything bottled up. It felt so good to finally tell him how much I am hurting. How it isn't just him who is suffering. I know that is not typical DB advice but I am so sick of hiding from him how his state of mind is effecting those around him.

Not sure where we go from here but I feel lighter now. And detached. And in charge of my own happiness. Not that I'm happy, but I'm not tiptoeing around him anymore which at least makes me feel like a person again, rather than a robot.