Biggus Dickus: Part 2

[BklynMom]

You are going to the hardware store for oranges.

I had a similar relationship with my sister, she sometimes treated me the way your mother treats you and it really used to p!ss me off.

For instance my sister must have learned in somewhere (which I have also since heard in Alanon) to always say I need to check my schedule before agreeing to something. But it got to the point where she would be coming over to see my kids and I would ask her to pick up toilet paper at the corner and she would tell me this wasnt what was planned.

What finally changed our dynamic was this instance.

She had invited me and the girls to sleep over her apt. in Manhattan a few months after bomb. I suggested she come to our place because it would be easier for us but she insisted so I agreed even though I knew it was too much. (She adores my girls which is awesome!) The next morning I needed to take the subway back to bklyn cause the older one who was 3 had school, the little one was just over 1 - I was carrying her in the baby carrier and pushing the stroller.

The morning, my sister had the day off from work, at 8am both kids started melting down. I asked my sister if she would ride the subway with me back to brooklyn. She said she couldn't (I think she wanted to go to the gym). My sister walked me to the subway with a screaming 3 year old and hysterical infant in the baby carrier and said bye.

From that point forward I stopped asking for help. After sharing about this at a Alanon meeting, I came to realize that i needed to stop going to her for any help and also not agree to do things with her & my kids where I would need help.

I stopped visiting her in Manhattan cause it was a schlep but she could visit us in broooklyn whenever.

In the 2.5 years since this happened my relationship with my sister has improved.

I stopped going to the hardware store for oranges and she started coming towards me more

[LoisB]

I think it made me realize, again, how alone I am. And, it's scary. IDK. This is on me.

You're right about the hardware store.

Usually, I can take it stride. Over the years, I know my mom is just my mom. This week, maybe my nerves were fried and it got me.

I feel alone and I'm angry about it today, this week...

In other ways, though, it's kinda refreshing to feel angry. Something inside is saying, "Yes!!!! Heather is Angry!!! Yay!!"

I'm not depressed, I'm angry. Something new and different for me.

I've tolerated a lot crappp from a lot of people and my mom (though her heart is in the right place) is one of these people. I've sucked it up for a long time and taken it from a lot of people. In some ways, this is healthy for me to feel this way.

But, yes, I still plan on apologizing.

[KenF]

sometimes we direct anger at the safe target, instead of where it belongs.

[job]

Ken,
I couldn't have said it better and what you stated is so true.

[LoisB]

I apologized and, then, balled my eyes out-well, for the 15 seconds I was without kids. LOL. Turns out it was stress. Stress about moving her home, stress about dissolution papers, stress about money pressures, feeding this extra mouth is huge!!

But, I had a nice talk with my and told her I appreciated all she had done. She said, "You've had a lot going on this week. I kinda figured."

Watching all these families pack up their kids hit home. It's been another year and Smokey is long gone and I have dissolution papers to proofread. He's missed another year of our daughter's life. So many milestones. He never even saw her dorm room or met her roommate.

Watching the other dads is painful. D19 has only made a few remarks about it and didn't seem to notice yesterday--or didn't say anything. But, it's hard not to notice when you see these dad hauling load after load from dorm to car.

Still, I got the job done. Tarped it and bungeed it and made sure it was all secure for the ride home. Jeeezzz. Where did all this shid come from and where are we going to put it!??

I plan on having D19 put a lot of her stuff in rubbermaid containers.

Got D19 home. The elevator was broken in her dorm so I made many trips up and down the four flights. Looked at it as exercise for the day and made me feel a little less guilty about the McDonald's we ate on the way.

D19's bestie drove with me and we talked a lot about her mom. I was able to give her some information about MLC which she had never known and it seemed to really help her understand her mom's bizarre behavior. Her mother checked out of motherhood and marriage a few years back after being the kinda great mom that even intimidated me (and I'm pretty great).

Anyway, her mom divorced her dad and blamed him after 20 years of marriage. Now, mom is spending her time with a heavy pot smoking sail maker who rarely bathes. Yes, sail maker...

We live in Ohio, so sailing isn't so big here like in say, Newport News! Lol.

But, all the information I've gathered here and in my reading seemed to really help this girl understand that her mom isn't doing this maliciously.

This lady, I remember, was soooo devoted to her daughter. Absolutely devoted to helping her daughter become the woman that she is today. Ironically, this girl is turning into an amazing woman and the mom isn't able to enjoy it. The girl has a 3.5 GPA in college and studied abroad and did it, for the most part, without her mom's help or support.

So, D19 is home. We have, literally, a truck load of stuff to unload and get the rental back tomorrow. I'm exhausted, but couldn't sleep. I will try me melatonin.

[willbwell]

heather, hope you got some sleep. it will be a busy day for you , and d's and unloading stuff. s20 is home with his ONE bag from college. he stored some boxes there. love having him home! it will be only until mid-june and then he is back to school for another class.

[LoisB]

Thanks Will. ONE BAG????!!!! We have been unpacking about six garbage bags full of clothes, a large suitcase, three-four laundry baskets, etc...That's just clothes!

New Thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2451922&#Post2451922

[25yearsmlc]

Well, think of it this way:

You are upset your mom puts herself and stepdad before you, and that smokey put himself before you.

So, your mom is putting her spouse above anyone the way smokey should have been putting his spouse ( I.e, you) before anyone else.

You can't fault her too hard, heather. You are a grown woman, and she is a grown woman, and can chose to put her husband before you sometimes. She does help you.

And I see what your sister might be saying about how you and your mom could be honest with each other .

MY guess is that your sister is tired of feeling pulled by you and your mom, each trying to get your point across to the other, using your sister as the conduit. It's not her battle. It's not her relationship, and your last 3-4 posts have all been about how you think others see you...and really it's about how you let that get to you so much.

You seem to value 'peeling the onion" but then told me that you already have studied your childhood, and that's why you seemed to think EE would not be much help to you.

My point was that it gets you past the past...so you're not so enmeshed with what you think others think of you....and all that stuff.

Mainly this is done by solidifying your self esteem so that other's opinions literally don't bother you b/c you KNOW who you are and you know your value.


Instead of helping you bring your D19 back, she may have really wanted to do this dinner with your stepdad . She should have been absolutely honest at first and told you that and not made a commitment she couldn't keep. But she was probably worried you would get mad that she chose her husband over you.

It is a vicious cycle of not being completely truthful with each other.

It is not the world against you. Yes, sometimes people will chose others over you in that moment, but it's not personal.

YES....and Again, this is old stuff you have not worked out. Sure, "it's still happening" b/c they did not change. So you have to change (or change your expectations) or stay miserable every time you feel that you are owed support they cannot or will not provide...

Now go lunch a pillow to death. Seriously. I chose a heavy bag, but if you don't have access to one, go punch a pillow.

Do whatever helps you not recycle this baggage. Take the exit ramp off the freeway of 'It's SO UNFair' story, that you keep telling yourself.

I speak from experience.

I did it a lot. I prided myself on being fair and having what my boss once wrote, was a "fierce sense of justice"...

I truly believed H was "wrong" to make the choices he did, and mostly, I still do. But I had to let go of that b/c I wanted our marriage to work more than I wanted to be "right". But there was a time I equated the two.

Also, then I looked at the whole world, (Not just my tiny dot on the planet) & I saw big problems all over. In my personal life, I had a friend and her kids playing cards at our house one night, and 5 hours later she had a "splitting headache" and died on the floor, of an aneurysm...FOUR young kids, a bereft h... 5 years later, HER d13 got leukemia and has not responded to the chemo, so she's in the 1% of kids who get it and the 3% of kids who don't respond to the "cure"...and her mom died when she was 9...

that's just on MY street. So I can't really jump into the "unfair to ME" pond anymore.

And I would urge you not to as well - b/c it's not helpful to YOU or your d's..and it does, in time, become a form of self pity. Plus, why be negative, when you can be (and thus create) happy?

I'm going on a trip or I'd post more,(very rushed so sorry if there are typos, no time to edit)

but do hang in there.

I think if you keep taking the braver path, you'll grow more and in time, find your happiness, regardless of what your h does with HIS life....