Can't offer and specific advice because I haven't been your situation but sounds like you are handling things well and getting good advice from some of the vets....
Thoughts and prayers are with you.
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Thanks, SF. I appreciate it and I am doing my best.
The funny part of today is that I had to go out of my way to son's pre-school this morning to drop off the pottery pieces he made her for Mother's Day so he can give them to her on time. Yeah, it felt weird given everything twirling in the background right now - but I think it was the right thing to do. And, really, in the thick of an argument or tense time, nothing really throws your antagonizer off like random kindness. Today, I hope it sends the message "You go ahead and be you, I am going to continue to be the best man I can be and I will let that show through S, too." Blame me, hate me, take me to court....I won't yell, I won't scream, I won't lecture, I won't editorialize in emails and texts - I will stay fact-based and calm. Even if I am working super hard to do it......cause I am.
How in the world do I continue to suppress the urge to just blurt out "this is what you wanted!". I feel she fails to recognize that we wouldn't be in this space otherwise. Like I've said....it seems she can't (or refuses to) connect the dots on actions and consequence.
She said in her email "this is an issue that will not go away for me". Well no sh*t....there are a LOT of issues that hurt in this process that will not go away.
So I spoke to a D lawyer that has been a close family friend since I was probably my son's age. He's back in Indiana, so some of the laws are different - but thematically similar. Long story short from his perspective (and a few others) it doesn't seem as if there would be much validity to her attempt to re-write the agreement. This is basically because, as noted, there has been no material change in our circumstances since the agreement was finalized - and she DID review and sign off on it. He said essentially that the courts and/or judges do not care about the child's "bond with grandparents" - not that it DOESN'T matter, but it is secondary at best to time with parents. And, as is evident, she does have more time than me and we BOTH have two weeks of vacay with him in the summer - we just can't use them consecutively. Again - that opens the door to more time with her parents, but would just require her making two trips instead of one subsidized with my parenting time. Furthermore, there is unlimited availability for Skype and other video-chat options....which she currently DOES use with both of her parents.
L basically said that if there is nothing that I want from her, and there isn't, it is very possible that I can stonewall her on this issue. So far no word from her today.
So I think I m just venting here right now so I don't type, write, or text anything to her.....letting of steam I guess. Sorry to beat the horse. All of the things that I type here are things that I WANT to say to her, but know I shouldn't....and won't.
So.
I remember distinctly telling her during my begging and pleading phase that this was going to have an awful impact on our lives and the lives of our families forever if it went through. Again...I said more than once that EVERYONE loses. Everyone. For whatever reason, it appeared as if she could only see and feel whatever she was experiencing in the moment without consideration to the future and what the long-term impact would be.
NOW she says "I am not going to live the coming years with him seeing my family less than one week a year". That seems like the kind of thing that should have been thought through before filing. I think she got so revved up on her emotions that nothing else mattered. And, well, it seems she still may be in that same place.
I wonder if she thinks that I love every element of the D agreement? I can't TELL you how many things that I hate from it that I just have to take a deep swallow on and live with....things that are DIRECT benefits to her.
I'll say it again, this looks like perhaps the first time in this debacle that she is not in control and can't get what she wants. She wanted to file, I didn't want her to....she filed. She wanted to see the D through, I didn't want her to....she saw it through. She wanted majority custody...I wanted 50/50....she got majority.....she wanted alimony....she got it.....she wanted extra days from me when she wanted them....she got them. She wanted him to go to a pre-k 1 mile from her place....I didn't want him to....now he goes there, I caved. All of that is on top of the extras I have done along the way. Now she can't get exactly what she wants and is crying foul. WE GOT THE DIVORCE YOU WANTED!! WHAT ELSE DO YOU EXPECT!?
I have heard it said (maybe in DR) that with divorce you are not SOLVING problems. Rather, you are trading what may be short term problems for PERMANENT ones. I think that is coming home to roost.
On her way out the door after BD she exclaimed, "I WANT BETTER FOR S!!!!". I ask....is this better? Is HE happier now? Is she??
Again....just posting the venom to get it out of my system.
Well, I had to see her today when she dropped of S. Strangely enough, it was pleasant. I had a strange peace and calm over me this weekend. We spoke very briefly about S and as he was heading back into to the house I told him to come back and give his mom a hug and say happy Mother's Day. After a crummy week, I think that was about as good as I could expect.
I've kind of calmed down and am doing better. Still have remained pretty dark for the most part. Still not budging on the vacation time she is asking for and it has not come up since she mentioned going back to court to change the divorce agreement. Her mom called me...I didn't answer. She left a message wanting to talk to me about getting more time for the visit. I didn't call her back. I don't know...that seems kind of inappropriate, even though her mom and I have had a pretty decent relationship.
Odd thing is, GM, she was always telling me that I had bad boundaries with my parents/family (and, frankly, she was not altogether wrong). They would come by the house unannounced and just come right in....I see how "not good" that is now. Seems ironic that now she uses her mom to lean on me in a personal matter between the two of us to get her way. She did it once before and then apologized for her mom calling/texting me. Whatever.
Really, Mach? Because I feel like in the last month I have been mostly angry! I mean, I have moved past a lot of it -- and have kind of taken more of a spiritual approach with the whole situation the last few weeks. Actually, it has helped - read a good book this weekend on this kind of stuff. I take a certain amount of solace in the fact that I have done all that I can I suppose, and at this point it is way out of my hands.
Thanks for the compliment, regardless, Mach. I don't know if it is "healing", but if it is anything like "growth" - I will be the last to notice.
