hope456 - accepting my new reality

[25yearsmlc]

Finished reading your thread and have very little to add.

**SIDENOTE: (( FWIW, I believe Matt's point about his wife leaving and seeming to do a lot of what her father did to her family, was well made. A lot of childhood family traumas are replayed in some form, IMO, b/c the underlying issues were never examined or resolved and thus the child becomes an adult who never understands the reason for any of the pain he/she felt as a child, but fears it...and sometimes our fears end up bringing about the very thing we most fear.
For example, think of jealous guys who get really possessive of their girlfriends and FEAR that the gf will find OM. They can become so insecure and obnoxious about it, they emotionally push their women into the arms of OM, and to them, this PROVES that their fears were well founded,

INSTEAD of seeing how they let their fears affect their ability to love freely and to receive love without skepticism, so their fear really did bring about the very event they so dreaded!))**

Anyway,
The DB coach I had also helped me as a parent at the time. It was not solely about the m but about me as well.

From the DB coach I had, I gained a sense of peace that I knew I had done everything in my power to save my marriage. I knew that if I ever made a tactical error in that effort, at least that's what it was, not an intent to hurt anyone.
I did nothing punitive or retaliatory once I had my DB coach, so I have a lot fewer regrets than I would have had otherwise.

But heck yes, I made mistakes.

IF I knew then what I know now, I would have stopped asking "WHY??" and "How can you do this??" a LOT sooner, and instead,

would have focussed solely on my own work, GAL and my children's welfare.

I'd have put ALL of my energy into creating a new fulfilling life as a single mom with 3 great kids, and figuring out how I'd make my career work or change if needed, so that the kids would have me as present as possible, and I'd have "released" my h sooner.

No more arguments about his choices or selfishness, which never produced a positive result, ever...not even one. I wish I'd just focussed on ME and MY KIDS...
I say this^^ b/c I wasted, and I mean,

I WASTED a YEAR of my precious life and my children's precious lives, asking questions that have NO satisfactory useful answers, labeling him as a "MLC" versus "WAH" (as if that matters) and trying to figure out what my h was thinking/feeling/doing,

instead of what I was going to do to be happy.