Z: We can't go on as we are. I love you but I need all or nothing. I won't share you, and you can't have both OM and me. There can't be 3 in a M. If you want to rebuild a new M, end the A and we can start working.
W: 3 of us? There aren't 3 of us.
Z: [Stop Hand] I know all about your A. Please stop lying to me. It's disrespectful of me and our M. It insults my intelligence. Even if we tear this M apart we are going to have to work together to co-parent our children for years to come and we're going to have to speak honestly with each other. Let's start doing that now.
W: You keep talking about 3, there is no 3, when would I have time?
Z: Do I really need to tell you when you had time? At this point, really? W: Yes. There is no OM.
I gave a couple of dates/places.
W: Did you have me followed? Who told you that? Z: Do you think that when a juicy piece of gossip happens to be about you, that people aren't going to spread it, just because it's about you?
W: Well if you know where I am all the time, do you know where I was on Friday? Z: No, I don't know where you are all the time. I have no idea where you were Friday, but how is that relevant?
Z: Can you explain Monday's panties?
long pause
W: We can just keep going as we are. Z: No we can't. The reality is you can choose your A, or you can try to rebuild something with your H, but we can't keep doing this, and I won't wait forever. We can either spend money on L or MC. We have big life decisions to make, and they impact 8 people.
W: [sarc]Well tell me Z, tell me the right choice.[/sarc] Z: I can't tell you how to decide.
W: You think we can just go right back to the way it was. Z: I think that our M is completely broken. Neither of us wants to go back to that. We can try to rebuild something better. We might find ourselves right here in a year, but at least we could say we tried.
W: Well I offered to go to MC and you said I didn't have the right attitude. Z: I said we could only go when there were only 2 people in the M.
W: I have to go now. Z: Me too.
--- Friday morning's conversation:
Z: Did you end your A yesterday? W: I didn't have time to do anything yesterday. What A?
Z: OK, the choice was the A or the M. This is the marital bedroom. It goes with the M. You can sleep down the hall.
I started emptying her closet down to the guest bedroom.
W started throwing my stuff out the window.
W said she wouldn't move out of the bedroom, that I could move, that I checked out of the M years ago, etc. etc. etc. I told her I wasn't moving, I was the one still in the M. I asked that she stop using me as an excuse for her actions.
W phoned one of the posse to come over, and while they were out front talking, I hung all my stuff back in the closet, and finished moving her stuff down the hall.
Posse left, W came back in and started moving all her stuff back into our closet.
W: Isn't it illegal to video people? [that came from nowhere] Z: I think you can video whatever you want in a public place.
W: So where did I go last night, if you know everything? Z: I have no idea. You can go wherever you like.
Then W was very sarcastic and trying to be hurtful by saying: "Yes, I'm having sex with everyone, my name is in every bathroom stall, I'm the talk of the town, and OM and I had sex in our bed and then laughed about you."
Z: Maybe so.
I told her she would be much more comfortable in the spare bedroom, reminded her it's the A or the M, and left for work.
I may go home tonight to find my clothes in a smouldering pile in the fire pit.
----
Quote:
Your biggest problem is wanting to justify your actions with your W and her friends. That is why you want her to know you know. You care too much what they think about you.
I think you are dead on here. I wanted to be the nice guy. Then Starsky's Little Bo Peep analogy comes to mind. But I'm dealing with a pack of wolves. Everyone in the posse has D'd at least once, so I'm up against a lot of practical tactics.
I have no expectation that I caused anything to change. She still denies the A, as expected. She may feel things are closing in. She's finding out she can't afford to leave for a good while, so unless she snaps out of things, she will continue to sponge, and the next move will be mine.
I am disengaging. Not another word. I've said anything I wanted to, and too often. I got it out of my system. If my position isn't clear now, it never will be.
I am not going to torment myself by trying to figure her out. Looking back, there's a long pattern of some serious responsibility issues that she may never get through. She still doesn't own any of them. She has come a long way on some fronts this year, but this A has really messed her up.
I know where I'm going, and I know roughly the timing of what I need to see by when.
I will be true to myself and do everything I can to make myself the better choice.
W has to follow her path and do what she has to do. Maybe we intersect. Maybe we don't.
