This, That and The Other

[labug]

$$$ is almost always an interesting / touchy topic isn’t it? I remember going to our pre-M weekend and one of the couples saying that the 2 most important (and most argued about) topics in a M are often $$$ and sex.

Yes, money is interesting and it can be a trigger for me. That's a disclaimer. We do sometimes give money more power than love in our Rs.

When you heard that wise fact at your pre-marital weekend, what did you do with it? Probably nothing, because we all think were bullet-proof when we're young.

In general we have been blessed in the fact that $$$ have never been a major issue for us.

Then why is it an issue now?

Have generally always been able to have the lifestyle we want while saving substantially for retirement. What I have come to learn over the years is that W leans more to the “spending/enjoy life” side of the equation and I am more of the “save/delayed gratification” side.

Does your W agree with your assessment? Do you see this as either/or? Have the 2 of you discussed these differences?

Until awhile after B-date, this wasn’t a problem – at least not an acknowledged one.

Think more about this. Are you being completely honest? If it wasn't a problem then it wouldn't be a problem now.

We pack those resentments into a bag and then something opens the bag just a little and they all come exploding out. Resentment can be silent but deadly.

W managed the budget, bills and household finances and I went to work to earn/provide.

Did your W want to do the finances? Had she had experience with it? Did you talk about money much?

There were a couple of very minor arguments when cc balances had grown and W had hid that from me – 2 different times writing me letters and leaving them in the car for me to find outlining the situation and telling me how sorry she was about not telling me about the situation.

Minor as assessed by you or did you both agree they were minor? How were things resolved?

Were they truly minor if you still remember them today?

Why do you think she wrote a letter to tell you about the money issue?

At times I was irritated about the spending and lack of $$$ mgmt but just dealt with it and rationalized that what I was getting in return (i.e. parent at home with children, household upkeep, companionship, life parter, physical connection, etc….) was worth it and addressing the issue was not worth the conflict.

It's interesting that there's no mention of love here.

Would you handle the conflict differently today?

Did you think she wasn't capable of change?

What were you afraid of?

The family dynamic for me growing up was similar – dad was saver, mom was spender, didn’t have much “extra” and often paid bills late (sometimes after power, water, etc was turned off). Ughh – not fun times!!! I am sure that is one of the reasons that I am still frugal to this day even though we have been blessed in that area and are nowhere close to being the same situation as growing up.

But you're still back there and reliving that scenario. Why?

There can be a bigger box than the one to which you're accustomed.

When you let go it crates space for change to happen.

While all of our setup may have worked when M was ok and W was engaged, I am finding it harder and harder to not feel angry/resentful/hurt/disrespected etc… when similar things happen now.

It's OK to feel all of those things. The difficulty comes when we begin assigning blame to others for how we feel.

Where does your hurt come from? What is your mind telling you about what's going on?

The other side of the coin could be that she feels she's given much more to the family than you have over the years. That's mind reading but not without precedent and she has said something alluding to that. As I think I've shared with you in the past, I've done the whole gamut of mom duties, SAHM, worked PT, worked FT with my H as the SAHD. The easiest was the last. It was difficult emotionally to be away from the kids so much but otherwise, cake.

There is a whiff of "I make the money so I get to make the rules." You know how you can be standing outside on a cool, clear morning and you get a whiff of wood smoke? You can't quite tell exactly where it's coming from or whether it's a camp fire or a forest fire but you know there's a fire.

I brought this over from ces' thread.

I think that if more folks did this ^^^ there would be lot less of the selfish, me first, instant gratitude, only do what makes me happy, inability or lack of desire to work hard traits present in the current culture.

What happened to this guy "I have developed to a place where I think I generally have (or at least try really hard to) the attitude that people are trying to do the best that they can with what they have available to them (knowledge, resources, etc….). In other words, very few people wake up and start they day with an intent to be miserable or do poorly in whatever they do"

I know this is a lot or questions and you don't have to answer then all here. Just think about them, really reflect on choices you've made in your marriage and how you might do things differently, or not.

This is your life and your journey, only you have your answers.