hope456 - accepting my new reality

[25yearsmlc]

Hope

You mentioned your h's comments about getting back together after whatever this is, passes...

My h said the same thing. Not sure what to make of it but rather than worrying about what it means in THEIR minds at that moment in time,

I think we ought to focus on what WE need to do. That maybe when I decided to step back and "release" my h to his "mission". I got out of his way.

He was SURE he'd make gazillions in Alaska, the "LAST FRONTIER" and we'd "all realize" that he was right when that happened, and he said a ton of other semi irrational things about the place. He believed what he said, as far as I know.

(Btw WE Lived there in the 90s so it's not as if we had not made an effort. ONLY H loved it there, while the rest of us liked parts of it but full time, NO...and btw, h is an MD & I'm a L, so we were not broke...)

One very hard thing for me to do, was accepting something I did not understand, let alone agree with. But you can spend your energy to fight it or to work on yourself.

I honestly believe that there is nothing I'd leave my kids for...nothing...

I know a few who have left their families to be "with the one they REALLY love" but they pay a heavy price, and so do their families.

But for a JOB in a PLACE?

I had to work very hard to accept that my h was making a choice I didn't get at all, and I so opposed...

In time, he went...alone, to live on the tundra to make a fortune. Eventually he "begged" (his words) me and our youngest child to join him (older children were in college by then) and we did eventually join him with the promise it'd be for ONE year and if WE did not ALL agree to stay, we'd all leave.

There, he seemed to awaken and we ALL agreed to return here. How wacky was all that? Anyhow, here we are.

I don't know what your h is planning. He may not know either, but I can tell he is searching. And he thinks he has a plan.

Your position is a tough one but there is clarity. I mean, your h is saying he wants a D. He's more or less acting as if that is what he wants (not consistently, but more or less).

That's a very tough thing b/c down deep our biggest fear is that somehow we brought this about ourselves, and or we worry that if we were nearly as great people as we hoped/believed we were, why would the person who knows us best, choose to leave us?

Beyond owning our own part, we have to concede that while it always takes two to make a marriage work,
sometimes, one person can make a marriage end.

The clarity you have is simply that you are not being given a choice.

OR to put it another way, you can do this the wrong way or you can be a woman of strength and dignity in the face of a real blow.

Just don't start seeing yourself in your d's position OR that you are somehow reliving the abandonment of your childhood.

Stay in the present...
one day at a time and one task at a time... You will reach the other side of this, in time.
He may awaken. All I can tell you is that at some point you have to prepare yourself for NOT reconciling, and yet still being happy...

and or doing a boatload of work to reconcile, work which your h may well not be capable of doing. Neither road is easy. But you already know which road you are on, for now.

Stay on course with GAL, which you have to do in order to Detach, and to co-parent...
and become a happy fulfilled woman, with or without this h.

((((( ))))