I went to go see a movie after work to clear up my mood some. Even talked to my dad about everything, too (hey, free legal advice). Kind of had a somewhat peaceful revelation as I was leaving the office that put things into perspective for me....it was a sudden, passing moment of clarity that was at least party fueled by the collective voice of this board. She is now entering the part of this journey/process where she hurts, loses part of her future dream, and has little or no control over it
I really was thinking about it during my drive and I figure it is kind of similar to what I experienced (as did many others) when we were hit with D and dragged through it. I looked back at my actions from that period. I blamed and pointed fingers. Now she is blaming and pointing fingers. I was angry. Now she is angry.I wanted to fight like hell to keep what I wanted....now she is doing the same and threatening to take me to court. I took ZERO accountability for the situation I was in. Now she is taking zero accountability for the situation she is in. It was my most hurt period, my most angry, my most emotional -- and it was right before I hit the bottom and realized that I had to take a long, hard look at myself and start owning things (thanks to many of you here). I don't have any expectation that the same will happen to her....and it's not my deal anymore. For me, suffering got to the point where it was more painful than change and self-reflection....so I chose change. Again, thanks to many folks here (Sandi, 25, Mach, GM, others...).
When I felt most helpless and unable to control things, my emotions took over and I would lash out somehow, or beg, or plead.....this is the same thing on her end.
Guys, I never know if I am doing the right things. I hope, pray, and ask for guidance and the power to not act out of hatred, vengeance, or the need to "teach". I feel like what I am doing is right....even though I know it is GREATLY angering her and causing emotional pain. So what is pain?
I have learned through this process that the grand summation of everything that I have learned about myself, my flaws and who I need to be during the GOOD times in my life is absolutely ZERO. I learned from suffering and not getting the outcomes I wanted or expected. That is what made the difference. I can only hope that maybe this will be the beginning of that path for her, because my stance on things is not changing anymore.
I told my dad something that I said on this board quite some time ago. If my now XW would have taken me back when I was begging, pleading and bargaining - I would have been a different man for about two or three months. I know it. Losing...and RECOGNIZING all that I had lost is what drove me to change. Maybe that will start for her someday. And I don't mean change as in "come back" - but maybe change her views and see things differently. Because where she is now is not a good place....at least I don't think so....and we have a long time to do this dance together.
Yep, I lost a lot -- but in the end I hope to be a better man still and gain back more than I ever thought possible.
Hope everyone is well. I will probably rant more tomorrow....but it's bedtime and I want to sleep with peace and comfort.
