I agree with Rick. Breath bud. Give it a few days. Stand firm.
M 35 W 31 D 10 Married 3 years Together 11 Single since Nov 13 Moved out Dec 13 ILYBNILWY, 'I don't want to be a boring housewife, 'I don't fancy you any more' OM confirmed Jun 14
have been shielding her for it from so long and NOW that it hits her she wants to take me back to court?!?!?!?!
Yep. Let her take you to court. Be sure to save your messages where all you asked for was father's day.
I don't much think she will carry it through, but so what if she does? Maybe the court will see her greediness. She knows how to work you to get her way and she is must applying some emotional pressure. Expect her to throw a trantrum! I think I called her a spoiled brat once before, and I haven't changed my opinion. So, I am not going to talk you down. It took too long for you to start treating this like a divorce. So, stick to your guns. If you cave........she will only get worse, like most brats do.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am calming down some now, thank you everyone. I am sorry for ranting, but I have found that if I do it HERE I won't do it to her....and it is crucial that I don't for a host of reasons. So I appreciate everyone letting me explode for a second.
I think one of the things (there a many) that really bites my a$$ is the phrase "I don't think you're seeing that S is affected, as are my parents, as am I". The hell I don't see it. In fact, I saw it so clearly the day she asked for a D I warned her about it. And when has she EVER been interested in how I am affected or how my relationship with S is affected? Was fighting me for more than 50/50 custody time in his best interests? Did you not think about how that would affect ME? Why all of a sudden am I expected to have such a keen focus on S's relationship with HER parents? It's the most selfish, head-in-the-sand, one-sided, self-interested pile of cr@p I have heard.
Finally....FINALLY the bell is starting to ring and the downside to her decision is setting in...the moment I stop caving and working to prove myself and save the marriage/family. And when she feels the sting her answer is to go to court to get what she wants? She already gets two nonconsecutive weeks in the summer to take him wherever she wants...TWO. I have the same but because of work I can barely take advantage of it.
I mean, I wonder if she things I WANTED to lose more than 50% parenting time, or if I WANTED to pay her thousands upon thousands of dollars to her and to attorneys for a D only she wanted. It has been painful, financially damaging and emotionally damaging for me AND my son....but suddenly I am supposed to be attuned to the needs of her family. This. Is. What. Divorce. Is. It s*cks. Nobody wins unless someone is escaping abuse and that was hardly the case in our M. Knowing what I know now, it is something that should really be thought through and talked about by both parties....the impact is deep, far-reaching and permanent. The sad thing is, she referenced not wanting to live a lifetime of our S only seeing her parents for one week a year.....that is the long-term problem she traded our short-term problems in for...and she didn't even know it. I feel like reality is setting in and she hates it.
And for someone that preaches to me about boundaries, I find it odd that she has her mom reach out to me via text to help make her case.
By the way...this has happened before. I didn't want S to go to the pre-school he is currently in (I've learned to deal...it's an OK place). It is 1 mile from her place, if that - and 22 miles from mine. When I refused to OK it, she snapped....had her mom call me...threatened to take me to court over it....and I caved. I think she is running the same play - but it won't work anymore.
I'm not going to react to her, GM...or her mother. No communication on the matter unless it is her sending me her request for days. It's a new day. She can sit in the mess that she has made....I don't care anymore.
I hear you, GM (and Rick) - but I can't help but wonder why she is failing to connect the dots between what is happening to her NOW and her decision to file for D. I mean, there is a 100% correlation between the two things - yet somehow, this is my fault?? When tires herself out punching me and eventually runs out of steam will she slump into her corner and accept reality and responsibility?? Lord knows that's what I've had to do.
It's not partially my fault, GM...it's TOTALLY my fault - 100%. Without a doubt I created just about the most cozy post-divorce environment someone who dragged their spouse through D could have asked for. It's ONLY my fault. As Sandi has said, she has never had to suffer any kind of loss at all, really - other than things she was WILLING to give up for what she felt would be a better life.
Crimson my ex went nuttie when she had to sign over the house to me lose 100k from her 401k and get no child support. The day she signed the house over to me the mortgage people almost had to call the cops because she was out of control.
You need to try and connect the dots. For your son and your future.
You havent let her go yet my friend. I get that. I know that and feel it.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I went to go see a movie after work to clear up my mood some. Even talked to my dad about everything, too (hey, free legal advice). Kind of had a somewhat peaceful revelation as I was leaving the office that put things into perspective for me....it was a sudden, passing moment of clarity that was at least party fueled by the collective voice of this board. She is now entering the part of this journey/process where she hurts, loses part of her future dream, and has little or no control over it
I really was thinking about it during my drive and I figure it is kind of similar to what I experienced (as did many others) when we were hit with D and dragged through it. I looked back at my actions from that period. I blamed and pointed fingers. Now she is blaming and pointing fingers. I was angry. Now she is angry.I wanted to fight like hell to keep what I wanted....now she is doing the same and threatening to take me to court. I took ZERO accountability for the situation I was in. Now she is taking zero accountability for the situation she is in. It was my most hurt period, my most angry, my most emotional -- and it was right before I hit the bottom and realized that I had to take a long, hard look at myself and start owning things (thanks to many of you here). I don't have any expectation that the same will happen to her....and it's not my deal anymore. For me, suffering got to the point where it was more painful than change and self-reflection....so I chose change. Again, thanks to many folks here (Sandi, 25, Mach, GM, others...).
When I felt most helpless and unable to control things, my emotions took over and I would lash out somehow, or beg, or plead.....this is the same thing on her end.
Guys, I never know if I am doing the right things. I hope, pray, and ask for guidance and the power to not act out of hatred, vengeance, or the need to "teach". I feel like what I am doing is right....even though I know it is GREATLY angering her and causing emotional pain. So what is pain?
I have learned through this process that the grand summation of everything that I have learned about myself, my flaws and who I need to be during the GOOD times in my life is absolutely ZERO. I learned from suffering and not getting the outcomes I wanted or expected. That is what made the difference. I can only hope that maybe this will be the beginning of that path for her, because my stance on things is not changing anymore.
I told my dad something that I said on this board quite some time ago. If my now XW would have taken me back when I was begging, pleading and bargaining - I would have been a different man for about two or three months. I know it. Losing...and RECOGNIZING all that I had lost is what drove me to change. Maybe that will start for her someday. And I don't mean change as in "come back" - but maybe change her views and see things differently. Because where she is now is not a good place....at least I don't think so....and we have a long time to do this dance together.
Yep, I lost a lot -- but in the end I hope to be a better man still and gain back more than I ever thought possible.
Hope everyone is well. I will probably rant more tomorrow....but it's bedtime and I want to sleep with peace and comfort.
