So.. here I am, a brand new ball of anguish and uncertainty after the bomb was dropped on April 17th. I wasn't sure if I belonged here, since we're not married, but we have been in a relationship for almost 9 years. However I came across Ali's threads (which by the way cheered me up a lot considering her happy ending) and I decided to post anyway...
Me and my bf (should I call him ex?) were together almost 9 years. I'm 26, he's 33. It was a long distance relationship for 5 years as I was studying abroad, we spent about half the year apart. So when we saw each other it was all new and sparkly. Then in June I finally moved back and moved in with him, which he really wanted.
Like everyone says... our relationship was great. We were best friends, laughed, played, great sex (maybe a little less now that we lived together). We have the same musical tastes, which is really rare since they are quite peculiar, we have the same sense of humor... he still tells me I'm the perfect woman for him. On paper at least!
He was pretty distant for a month or so, then dropped the bomb. All the classics: ILYBINILWY, I need time to think, I don't know who I am, etc. And then: I waited for you so long, and now I discover I can't live with you, it's terrible. What's wrong with me. Even when I lived with my parents I couldn't stand them. I'm never going to be able to live with anyone.
So, then it turns out indeed there is an OW involved. I was letting him stay in my house (where we lived together) while I was going to leave for Wales to stay with a friend to relax and focus on my work. I found the proof in the trashcan when I popped home to grab some stuff. We had an emotional phone call in the evening where:
- he tried to deny with all sorts of embarrassing excuses
- he told me he will never again find someone as good as me (I studied abroad, am working as a writer, am pretty successful while he is stuck in a rut in our small Italian town and lived with his parents till he was 31)
- he begged me to give him some time to think as he's confused and doesn't want to lose him
- then sent me distraught texts about how he never deserved me, I was always better than him in every way (something he said more than once in our relationship), he lost the most precious thing he had (me)
But the next time I heard from him, to arrange him moving out of the house, he was very cold and detached. After being best friends and speaking to each other daily for 9 years, now he's pretty happy not speaking with me. Eventually he even stopped lying about the OW - I told him I just want him to be happy and if he's happier being with this other person... and he quickly said it was only a one night thing. Which I don't really believe, because he'd been on Whatsapp all the time in the past month and hiding the phone.
If I hadn't trusted him so blindly I should have been suspicious, I guess. But to have 5 years of long distance relationship, I had to trust him blindly. His betrayal feels much worse because he did it with me right here.
Now, I have two options. Either he's having a... not quite MLC, more like a 30-year-old crisis with 'omg I'm growing up what am I doing with my life'. Things that support this:
- he's avoiding all his friends his own age, especially those married or with kids. One of his former best friends lives literally down the road and he never wanted to see him for as long as he lived there 'cause he's married and working on a family.
- gym, clothes, the usual
- he is a rock guitarist, and he wanted to be a professional musician. In a small Italian valley? Not much chance. So now he might be realizing that dream is over. He's started hanging out with his 19 year old colleagues who want to be musicians when they grow up and worship him as a rock god. I, on the other hand, am on the fast track to accomplishing my dreams and while he's very proud and supportive, maybe I make him feel bad about himself...
- he only hangs out with two friends from high school who still live with their parents, one is still a virgin, the other doesn't speak to women and only hooks up with random strangers in porn chatrooms
- at 33, he was still living as a teenager. Until I offered him to stay at my house while I was away last year, he never moved out from his parents. But then before he could even enjoy living alone I came along and everything changed.
- his little sister had a baby two months ago, right when his crisis started. He was not happy! When we saw the newborn he told me he still didn't realize she was there. Now the family is all about babies and being mature and he freaks out. He avoids the baby. I was way more enthusiastic than he.
- tells me at 33 'his life is practically over, what else can he do now, it's too late'. AT 33!! Not 133!
- says he feels 'annulled' and doesn't know what he wants in life
- everyone thinks he's a decent, honest, honorable, down-to-earth guy and he always abhorred cheaters. This behavior is completely out of character for him and everyone is shocked to the core. It's like he's suddenly changed into another person.
- tries to blame me because we never did anything 'fun', but with or without me there, he always spent his time watching television or sleeping, and whenever I want to go somewhere he declines. I invited him to come to England to live but said no because he was scared of losing his security and job (electrician at construction site). I went to Japan, he said he couldn't come because it was expensive, then when he heard how much I loved it he wanted us to go this summer...
- tries to blame me because for the past couple of months I was 'a zombie': well, my grandma died, I had tons of work, PhD work, and a heroin addict stepdad to handle. His family is so perfect it seems unreal, but I have [censored] to deal with. That's life!
- he even told me he thought about it and thinks maybe it is a 30 year old crisis
So I could chalk up the affair to a momentary fog that's making him feel young and free from responsibility and from that dreaded 'growing up and being in a serious relationship' thing.
Or the other option is... he just fell out of love with me, and that's it. The relationship suddenly isn't sparkly and new anymore but we had to deal with domesticity, routine, being around each other in pjs, and he realized he just doesn't love me. This is what scares me the most.
I am left scratching my head. We didn't have years of marriage where he could have gotten bored - just a few months of routine life. Part of me wants to believe he just got freaked out by routine and responsibility and omg I'm no longer a 20 yr wannabe rockstar with a girlfriend, I'm a man on the path to marriage. But the other... I don't want to get my hopes up.
Even before finding these forums, I think I handled it pretty well. Apart from much crying the first night - we held each other and cried together, I told him I just want him to be happy and that if I'm making him unhappy then I'll accept it and back out, and that he should go do his thing and I'll go and do mine and then we'll regroup and see. I've been mostly calm when dealing with him - even tho I'm furious and upset about the cheating - saying that we need the time and for the moment I'm open to working on the relationship, if he so chooses, but I'm not here twiddling my thumbs waiting for him.
As for him, he's not speaking to anyone about his problems, not sure about OW, he changed his Whatsapp status to something that translates to 'pitiful, pathetic', and just told one of his friends he feels like an idiot. When I did mention that I think we should at least give it another try before tossing everything away, he said that 'the door is not closed but he doesn't want to get my hopes up', that he can't commit now but doesn't want to end it and then regret it. I also do think he's feeling bad - he's not the kind of person who behaves like this - and he's putting himself down a lot. Despite being so hurt, I just let his parents know that I think he needs help and they should be there to support him, since the family policy in our area is 'pretend everything is ok and never speak about anything EVER', then broke contact with them.
At the moment I'm in no contact. Working, trying not to think about it, because whatever his decision, there's nothing I can do to influence it. I keep cycling between rage, despair, hope, and strange moments of calm, like now, when I realize it's out of my hands. Once he makes up his mind, we'll take it from there... still doesn't prevent me from obsessing tho!
Gosh! I'm so sorry for such a long post. I'm a writer by trade, so rambling helps me think. But I'm really confused. What do you think?
Me: 26, BF: 33, R: 9yrs Bomb dropped April 17th 2014 Currently No Contact
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Thank you, dear, I will be going through your links today! I have been lurking around for a bit, so I've read most of the resources. I'll just be GAL and keeping dark for the moment.
I suppose I'm not sure if I should be in the MLC forum, or if I should go to the regular 'affair' one - it's hard to understand...
Thank you!
Me: 26, BF: 33, R: 9yrs Bomb dropped April 17th 2014 Currently No Contact
Ha. Fancy that! I'm reading through the stages, and now I can interpret a little more clearly what I've seen going on with him in the past couple of months - you're right, in retrospective, it becomes quite clear.
Denial: when he was withdrawing, feeling unhappy but not quite sure why, going to the gym, hanging out with younger people. This pretty much started when his niece was born and everyone moved happily along to the new stage in life... but not him.
During this time, by the way, we happened to discuss end of life wishes, since my mother is now married to a severely ill man. I was quite chilled about the whole thing - in the past 15 years we've had 10 bereavements in the family, my mom, aun and grandma are all widows, and I worked on that for years when my dad died when I was 16. So for me it was quite simple and straightforward. But he has never had any bereavements in the family - lucky guy... or not so much? - and for him it was a tense moment. He refused to think about it, he didn't give me an answer, he got really nervous and dropped the conversation.
Anger: He's usually a very laid back, loving man, and yet I caught him snapping at me out of the blue for random things. Not friendly ribbing, outright anger outbursts or cruel things he said, for no apparent reason, that left me flabbergasted. Small things, don't get me wrong - about my hair, my appearance, unable to take even the slightest joke if it could be somehow interpreted as criticism.
So now he bolted... right into Replay stage. I have to say it helps to feel I understand what's going on!
Me: 26, BF: 33, R: 9yrs Bomb dropped April 17th 2014 Currently No Contact
Hi Italian, welcome to the boards, sorry you are here You will find a lot of support here and all the resources are helpful. None of this is your fault. Use the time for introspection and work on yourself, that's the only thing you can control. All the homework that Cadet posted is really a MUST. Like you said after reading through it, it does help give you an understanding - you can't fix it, and you're doing well. It's hard. I won't sugar coat it, it's the hardest thing i've ever been through emotionally, mentally. It does get better though, the more you educate yourself on it and GAL and sort of find yourself. Remember to take care of you - sleep, eat, exercise, laugh, allow yourself time to grieve. There are others on here that weren't married - that doesn't make it any less painful. It was a long term committed relationship that was turned upside down overnight (that's how it feels). If you see the Sandi's rules in the newbie forum, that's also a good read IMO. take care and keep posting.
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
Hi there, Italian - I'll put in my two cents here:
First of all - is this MLC? Well - no - not exactly. It's more what's been called "Quarter Life Crisis". Your boyfriend is a boy who hasn't started to grow up, and wants to just continue being an irresponsible boy.
Is he also depressed? Maybe. Will he regret losing you? Most likely.
Is he a partner you should invest in? NO!
I understand that you have been with him since you were quite young, and that you love him and may have a hard time letting go of the future you had imagined with him.
But to my way of thinking, you're this young and he's already showing you that A) he has the capacity to cheat and B) he has a tendency towards depression and C) he isn't willing to do what it takes to fix the relationship.
You sound like a smart, capable, self-actualized woman. You deserve a man who is capable of being your equal. It really doesn't sound like he is that man.
Thank you for stopping by . Yes, many of my friends have been saying the same thing. For years, actually - they wondered why I was held back by him. I could do a lot more if I was 'free'.
And maybe I will grow to see it that way... but he was up until his freak out a very good man, that I respected a lot. I could see myself starting a family with him. So I suppose I'm not quite ready to give up just now. Althought it should say something that I'm not as distraught as I imagined I would be.
I think I will be waiting a bit to see if he comes out of the other side grown up, or if he chooses to remain a boy. I am not very optimistic - without me pushing him he can just get back o pretending to be a teenager, because it's easier. And even if he does grow up, I might have moved on at that point.
But for the moment I am still willing to stand and see... I hope I'm not too foolish?
Me: 26, BF: 33, R: 9yrs Bomb dropped April 17th 2014 Currently No Contact
(I wish there was a 'like' button for posts - I really really appreciate your input! I know my gut reaction is 'stay and fight' but I am definitely ruminating on it. I can imagine once the shock wanes down I will see it that way too..!)
Me: 26, BF: 33, R: 9yrs Bomb dropped April 17th 2014 Currently No Contact
Well. let me explain a little bit where I'm coming from:
I was married for 24 years. My ex cheated on me in the first year of our marriage. I forgave him, took him back. We went on to have a largely good marriage and three kids.
Then when the kids were in their teens, he cheated on me again. Through the lessons I learned on this board, I was able to save our marriage at that time; in fact, we went on to have several more excellent years - until he approached 50 and went into full midlife crisis. I was unable to save the marriage that time and am now divorced in my 50's.
It was very traumatic for my children. And what I realized was, when I took my husband back the first time, I knew I was taking a risk - but didn't realize that I was also taking a BIG risk that my CHILDREN would have to pay for.
There were "red flags" about my husband's behavior from the beginning - I just chose to ignore them. I wish I hadn't. (And to be honest, it sounds like my ex and I were much better matched in terms of goals than you and your BF).
So, my advice to young unmarried people who come here is: this is not a situation that calls for "standing" very often. Your BF is showing you what he's made of. If you DO take him back at some point, DON'T do it too easily - make him see a counselor and do the work and prove himself to you.
Imagine yourself ten years from now, perhaps with a child with a serious illness or disability - is your BF really the kind of person you could count on when things get difficult?
(Oh - and in case you are wondering - I've been divorced now for five years. When my ex left I learned to play the drums and now play in two bands. I have a thriving business of my own, a nice new house, and a tall dark and handsome boyfriend who treats me like a queen. )
