With All My Hopes and Dreams

[soldier]

So this was a rough day for sure and probably some damage done to my sitch. I had a small email conversation with my W for which she started and within it she was mad at me because she found out about my North Carolina trip and that I hadn’t told her. There was a bit of admin but here is the highlights:
W: “Finally – as far as lunch goes, I mentioned last night that I cannot do it today as I am swamped with meetings. Now probably wouldn’t be a good time anyway as I’m not in the calmest of mindsets. Thank you for telling me about your trip to NC, although I don’t know why I had to drag it out of you. I’m not going to get started on that.”
Me: “I was not trying to hide NC from you. I just wanted to get out of the house for a bit and I didn't want you to be mad at me. Judging from your last email this has had the opposite effect and I should have just told you outright. I will keep trying and will never give up no matter how things are. I just need to work harder and get it done. I know what to do and the next time you come back to the house it will hopefully be in better condition. Please don't worry about cleaning the house on your weekend with Ashrei. I will get it taken care of. I promise.”

Me: “Did you ever take that love languages quiz? I am really curious as to what you found out if you are willing to share.”

W: “Now – back to the current convo. The frustration is bc I has to dig and I always wonder why you make me do that. If you have just said it I wouldn’t have been so upset. But it was like I had to pry it out of you and bc of that it just was odd. The fact that you are going to NC, that you reached out to Paul after years of him trying to reach out to you…it’s all just a major change of direction. And then the fact you are doing it on mother’s day weekend and just logging 16 hours of drive time. I was a bit puzzled. I’m not mad that you’re getting out, and I don’t expect my rant to make a lot of sense, so I’ll hush.”

W: “I took the language of love quiz, but found it a bit narrow minded in how it approached things. Apparently today I am Acts of Service and Physical touch based, but that’s not too hard to figure out why. I think it’s a very situational quiz.”

Me: “Beth I would have never done something on Mother's Day if I thought for one second that you would like me there. You have given me no indication that this was the case. To be honest I don't feel like you really want me around for much of anything right now. I can only read the very few messages you send me and they are always pretty loud and clear. As far as why the change, I couldn't think of a better time for such changes and that is it. You are fine about speaking your mind about the house. It is my responsibility to keep up with it right now and I will. I come back Sunday and will start on these projects Monday after work. I will get it all taken care of. If you came over to do beds it would inadvertently hinder my time with Ashrei as I get to see you so little that it would pull my focus off of Ashrei while you were here. You are continuing to throw a lot of stuff at me between these last two letters and I am trying to do my best. I am sorry you did not enjoy the quiz. I thought it was fairly straight forward myself but I know you do not enjoy those quizzes. Ironically I can’t think of 2 items that I was more neglected of in our old relationship so maybe there is more to it then you are given credit for.”

Me: “No that when you slip back to the house whenever you want there are probably things I did not intend for you to see quite yet so I am sorry about that.”

W: “As I said – it wasn’t planned, but I realized I needed to drop off the check and didn’t have an invoice printed out, so I figured I would leave it with you. I ran upstairs to grab a few things from the bathroom, a ball cap, ash’s gardening gloves, my gloves, and my lifevest/outside stuff. She wants to camp outside. Figured I may try to make that happen as the weather gets nicer, even if it’s in the backyard. I didn’t dig through things and wasn’t trying to be noisy. I just was in and out. My apologies for no notice.”

Ok so way too much R talk and M talk and to pushy and too much pursuing. I know this for sure but I am very tired right now and this is when my emotions always get the best of my mind. This was all bad enough but then after work I asked if she could stop by the house real quick to give her a Mother’s Day card and gift. So ya I pretty much said screw it if you are going to blow yourself up you might as well go all the way.

She came to the house but wouldn’t look me in the eye. She told me that every time she has some good news I seem to want or need something that keeps her from enjoying it. I ask what her news was and she explained that she got the job I had helped her get and it came with a very large pay raise. I told her I was sorry that the site of me made it impossible to enjoy good news and let her leave.

So ya a bad day for me. I hope everyone else is doing better and I will get back on the horse tomorrow.