So 25, I lost what you were saying about the essence of what she was saying to her ex friend.....explain? On my phone. Sorry. Big hands. Small keyboard.
She also said that at some point X told her that she didn't know how to be a wife or married because it was never modeled for her in her childhood - all she had as a reference was movies and film.
Which could be much of the bases for her unrealistic expectations of a relationship.
You see how she cuts others off without an explanation. Also, I gathered from that friend's conversation that XW believes it is always the other person's fault that the R had to end. It's not just you, Crimson. I hope it helps you in some way to realize she has this defect in her development of maturity. One would think she would start to ask herself why this seems to always happen in her life. However, she must point to the other person and believe it is not her fault.
I hope she never decides to cut off a R with her son after he grows into an adult. It will be difficult when he starts growing into manhood. She is going to end up alone for the rest of her life, at this rate.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
so what do I do with this that I got from XW today regarding her vacation time with S this summer? She asked ME to pick the days....no way. Is she using guilt at the end here? I think I know what I am going to say....but want some insight.
Crimson
"Also, just a reminder I need the dates you do agree with for summer vacation tomorrow. As always, I hope for more than 7 days as he sees my dad twice a year and mom maybe 3 times a year. I would be willing to give you more days in return for being flexible. As hard as it is to be away from him that long, it is also in his best interest to have family bonds with my family, and that doesn’t come with just a couple days in each household. Always hoping for the best, but know you will do whatever you decide."
Oh, I am sticking to the agreement for sure. Part of her issue is that her parents are divorced (irony?) and she has to split 7 days between two houses. Additionally, her dad does not travel well for health reasons and her mom can't really afford to travel to AZ all the time - plus she works full time. See? THIS is where I want to say "these are the consequences of your actions". It seems like she wants a D without any of the negative fallout on her end. I mean, really, THIS is what happens! What was she expecting?
The sad part is, guys, that I have come so far in terms of my personal selfishness that I had in the M that I would let her take him for a MONTH if she wanted to and I would just come visit on a weekend or two. I get why that time with her fam is important to her.....but we aren't there anymore.....and it was her choice. I want to TELL her that - but I know I can't.
I swear this is the stuff that is so irritating about my sitch too. Like, they don't want to do any of the hard parts of a relationship (like choosing to love someone, choosing to work on repairing the M), but they still want all the good parts-- like being family partners and making all these compromises for the good of the other person and their family!
Kind of struggling with what to say on this one. Part of me want to simply say "I think we should stick to the agreement". But part of me wants to say WHY I think that and remind her that we are divorced and as a result have had to give up a lot of luxuries that intact families have. It feels like she hasn't connected the dots on that.
GM is right Crimson, stick to the original agreement. I don't think you need to remind her you are divorced. If you stick to the agreement she will get the hint.
Would she re negotiate alimony and child support? Probably not. Put the guilt aside. You need to heal and move forward.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
^^^^agree. Keep the lecture out of it. If she wants to blame you, that's her problem. Sticking to an agreement doesn't make you a bad person! The whole point of making these agreements is so that we *don't* have to feel bad!! These WAS are so out of touch with reality sometimes.
Ugh....I know you guys are right. There is just a fire inside of me that wants to point her directly towards the issue. I want to say that this was HER choice and she can't dodge the consequence any more than I can. I want to say that this is EXACTLY what I meant on BD when I said "everyone loses with this decision". I want to say that we can do MORE for S and each other TOGETHER than we can apart...and that in my heart I want her to go for as long as she would want - but that isn't what our lives are anymore...and it was HER choice. I want to tell her that I am not the vindictive, retaliating person she thinks I am and that I am sticking to the agreement because that is what we have to do......
I guess I am saying all of that here so I don't say it to her.
