WAW Said She's Done- pt.5

[OneDay]

I really dont know what Im doing here. Am I becoming WAW’s friend, am I being passive, Is she just being cordial? I really dont know. I do know I still have WAY to much focus on my WAW and every interaction with her. Im so hopeful she might change her mind and want to “Try” and work our M again. Its tough and really beginning to drag me down.

At the same time, I am finally realizing this is not all my fault. I’ve had so much guilt for such a long time. But with more and more interaction with WAW Im beginning to see the real her, or the New her. She is very controlling and is NEVER wrong. Not just with me, but with everyone. If there is a problem/issue in her life she will place the blame on others. There have been a few instance lately where she has clearly mix up some events/appointments but assured me it was not her fault, but the “idot” receptionist, or “horrible” class mom has the problem. There have been several others as well, but she will never say she messed up. I honestly think she has done this entire marriage, but I never realize it until now. I know there is nothing I can do about this, nor am I trying to fix it, just observing and venting to you guys.

I’ve been working on myself, but still have a long way to go. I’ve found myself becoming more compassionate towards other and truly listening. I’ve become more calm, and try to focus on the positives in my life, rather than the negative. I’ve been working on patience, and not being so quick to react. Im finally beginning to think before I speak out and say something I might regret later. Ive been working on empathising with everyone, My kids, WAW, Friends etc. Im letting the little things go, and even some of the big things go and trying, really trying to enjoy life for what I have at this moment in time.

This has been a long tough road and I’ve had many ups and downs. You guys were not kidding when you said this is a Marathon not a Sprint. Im not sure how much longer I can hold on to the thoughts and feelings I have for WAW. I want my family back so bad, I want to at least try to start something new with WAW. Unfortunately WAW is not there and Im beginning to feel she never will be and I know I have to accept that.

How does one know when its time to just LET IT GO? Will that time ever come? I dont know!