[SemperFi00]

The important thing here is you finding your voice, your balance. It seems to me that you've tried to avoid conflict and keep the family balanced (whether you needed to or not) for so long that you, too, are a little lost.

I think that this is very accurate and insightful. I have spend a great deal of time trying to give W and kids the "perfect" life - no conflict, everything they could want, no having to work too hard for anything, etc....

What I wonder about now is that even I could do that for the kids - how long could I do it for? and is that setting them up for a big fall when they get out in the real world?

Wonder also if this in some way contributed to W feeling like she was on a pedestal? She had stated that she felt so much pressure almost as if she could never have a bad moment or day w/o it having such an impact on everyone else.....

When the time is right maybe starting with something like "... I know that you may not want to have a long discussion about it but I have realized that there is something that I could have done differently Sun morning and if the opportunity is there again I will handle it differently."

I took out the first part of your sentence because it's mindreading/putting words in her mouth. Saying that will almost surely put her on the defensive. Keep the focus on you, "I realize that I could have gotten the boys moving on Sunday morning. I will do that the next Sunday."

Her reaction doesn't matter so much as is this doing something you think is the right thing to do? Is this being the man you want to be?

Yes, it is. Although it certainly seems like it would easier if it was reciprocal - but that's why Db'ing and healthy relationships are not for the faint of heart...... In the end I am a better person for having gone through this and made the necessary improvements.

I went back last night and reviewed the goals I originally set and I think there has been quite a bit of positive change since the beginning. Still times like Sun where things could be handled better but that's why it is lifelong process, right???

Just something else to think about-her anger. None of us deserve the yelling and cursing. The next time this happens could you say, calmly "I feel your anger. What can I do to help you right now?" And then listen, without judgment. Don't debate, don't deny, don't defend. She may not say anything but you've changed the dynamic a bit.

I like this and will try it the next time. Certainly seems hard to envision a scenario where that wouldn't help diffuse things a bit.

Thanks for the comments labug, ces and soldier.