Wife in MLC and getting ready to go #2

[Wonka]

Matt,

Hiya...sorry have been MIA for a while. Working on my conga moves for a family wedding!

Why I married a person who didn't "believe" in D. Who swore they would do whatever it took it work things out. Found out just how hollow her promises were the hard way.

Nope. You've got this backwards. When the MLCer is "normal" and healthy in the beginning, that would be how they'd think and behave toward their spouse. It does not necessarily mean that their promise was "hallow." They meant every word they spoke at the altar. Now in MLC, not so much. At THIS moment, it's how they feel and think because of the pressure they're feeling and trying very, very hard to expel that pressure: YOU. Wonky thinking process is just that...VERY WONKY!

I found a bag of "trash" that my W left for me to put out. As I was carrying it it fell open and out came every card, letter, "love" note, Valentine I ever gave her. She threw away all of it like it was nothing! Why is it they can be so horrible after so many years together? It's one thing to "change" how they feel but to be so dismissive of feelings that they once had, I don't understand that.

This isn't surprising at all. For me, I wanted Ms. Wonka outta my face NOW! They see the mementos of the marriage as pressure to them so they try to hide or get rid of the 'evidence.' Talk about WONKY thinking! Ayep...a temporary insanity.

If he would stay the hell out of our marriage, I really doubt my wife would leave. It would give her a chance to get thru the tunnel without having to destroy her family but FIL is so damn determined to get her to leave her family he is coming 1100 miles to inject himself into something he caused in the first place.

WRONG-O buddy. FIL, OM, purple paint, Oreos, Nerf football...does not matter what "point of blame"...is totally irrelevant to the MLC process. They latch onto whatever comes by and off they go to the funny farm. What I am hearing you say here is that if FIL had stayed away, your W would come out of the tunnel. Nope. Not the case at all. The MLCer comes out of the tunnel when they begin the re-integration process. This is when they realize that the EXTERNAL isn't what is causing their unhappiness. It hits them slowly that it is ALL INTERNAL. Now FIL coming into the picture allows W to work through her chit. Yep, it ain't a pretty process.

It is the cards that you've dealt with. It is no use saying, "if only FIL had stayed the f*ck away, then our M would be cotton candy happy!" Not true at all. In fact, there are some real stuff on your side that YOU must work through. Welcome to the DB school of hard knocks...yep, my 2x4 is painted pink with some sprinkling of gold glitter! You have A LONG way to go before you really "get" the DBing process.

My parents have told me from the start of this to tell my W they love her and are worried about her. They are worried about me and my kids of course but say this is so unlike my W, they know there is something more going on here. This morning my W asked me "Are your parents angry at me?". I was honest with her and told her "From the start they have told me to make sure you know they love you. They also don't like the way you are acting right now, and I agree with them. But they do love you.".

No need to add further to other posters' comments. They were all spot on.

By the way I may not have been a perfect husband but I did NOTHING to deserve her I don't want to even try attitude. For 24 years I hear nothing but marriage is forever, I'll never put my kids thru that until she changes her mind overnight? 12 weeks after I got a vasectomy only because she swore she had no thoughts of leaving? Sorry cat, I'm sure I have things about myself that can be improved but I have been an excellent husband and father and did nothing to force her into changing every value she swore she had.

No one here was too eager to sign up for this...I highly doubt that we volunteered for this highly coveted 'assignment.' The last part made me wince a bit as it sounded like you're TOOTING your horn a bit too eagerly as an excellent husband and father. Take a long and hard look at your qualities, values, behaviors and habits. I am sure there's some that you can change for the better, improve in particular areas, and discard the rest that are not helpful.

Me? I know that I can be very headstrong and stubborn. I have worked very hard to be self-aware of this trait and rein it back. I also know that I can be borderline OCD when it comes to cleaniness and order/structure at home. I've learned to relax some more by letting go of the need to "control" my environment and surroundings. Yeah...I have mellowed over the last few years and like the "new" me.

Wanna know the secret here? DBing isn't about saving your marriage. It is about saving YOU by taking a long and hard look at yourself. Turn the Matt doll inside and out...all that gunk and grime. Then make it even prettier with some nice pink bows. Oh and a few stitches to put yourself back together.

I also do not feel my FIL is solely responsible for this. That is crazy. I believe if he would leave her alone, she would be much less likely to leave as no one else thinks its the right thing to do.

Beep, beep! Wrong answer. Wanna try the Plonko? Might have a better chance right there. Ok...I'll bite. Let's say that FIL leaves W, there'll be SOMETHING ELSE for W to latch on to work through her chit. Based on what I see here, I am fairly certain that W isn't even close to being finished with her replay stage. She's still deep into it. Right now, W is at the experimentation stage with the FOCUS on her. This is where many MLCers let all the day-to-day responsibilities fall by the wayside and just plow ahead to relieve the "itch" in their heads.

As far as detaching from her as it comes to me, I haven't asked her to do or not do anything for many months, as long as it's just her. I really expect zero from her at this point and if she wants to act up I don't let it effect me.

Really?? Could've fooled me right there. Ah...that's right...you're TOTALLY immune to W's actions, words, and behaviors. Stupid me! Pshaw!

As far as projecting about shared sacrifice, we gave up many things to get my D through school, bigger house, nicer cars, cool vacations, etc. We spoke often about how it was worth it to get her a good head start. I don't need to project, I know what she said and did over the last 13 years. She may "feel" differently now but for her to have that big a change in what she thinks is important, shows there is more going on here than a change if heart. Even after the cereamony on Sunday she said she was thinking about all it took to get my D there so she feels it, she just doesn't want to share this with me.

Martyr...martyr...

I do understand what you are saying and because I'm new to this forum, many think I am new to dealing with my W's MLC but that isn't the case.

Yes, you are NEW to dealing with your W's MLC because you're just starting to understand that it is NOT all about you. Previously, I am sure you've said or did things to W that MOST probably come across as judgmental, controlling, and devaluing. Back then, you were just simply coping and flying by the seat of your pants in pitch black. Now, you're JUST learning how to deal with your MLCer W because the vets here are sharing their war stories here with some nuggets of wisdom based on experience with DBing. A big difference.

Yes, I now am thinking she does need to go or she will never stop thinking it was THE answer. Just how to do it with the least harm to all involved, especially the kids is the hard part.

Set her free. Tell her, "W, I can see that it is important to you to connect with FIL and you're free to go down to visit with him or move there. However, our Ds and I will stay here. It is my hope that you do find your own happiness."

I swear there is an epidemic of MLC going around!

Nope. This simply means you're more aware of the MLC process because of this forum. To borrow uRWorthy's phrase, it is like seeing dead people.

By the way, some of my best friends are women.....

What's it with you men here when a woman poster points things/stuff out to the male posters, they backtrack with this backhand comment??! Highly amusing.

I'm not convinced Matt is understanding any of our posts. He seems to keep posting his same thoughts over and over... him as the victim in all this.

I concur. Not quite there yet, Matt. Keep on digging deep until you hit the Great Wall.

Matt, I kid you not...this is really the DB school of hard knocks. Read, learn, LISTEN, pray, puke and repeat! You'll be just fine, buddy.

T2, ya...I am waayyy smarter than you because I have the luxe t-shirt that says "MLC University"! Pllffffft!

Oh and your so called "socio-athropological research" translates as this:

Monkey see, monkey do

Right?!