Dealing with an ongoing affair

[PeterV2]

Sandi had sent me the following advice (which was also deleted) but here it is again:

That plan sounds much better.
I think all LBS's have problems in detaching at first. Their emotions want to stay focused on the WAS, which keeps them on a roller coaster. So you need to "emotionally" detach by getting your focus away from your W and onto you and taking care of yourself. Detaching is to protect you. It is not punishment toward her. It is not showing her anger or coldness. It is more of an indifference.....until you can get stronger and more confident. By indifference, I am not saying you stop caring about her. But you do not let her moods, actions, attitudes, positives, or negatives direct your emotions and actions. When all your attention and conversation is about her......it is b/c she is consuming your life and you haven't pulled back.
When you have a WAW, you must pull away from her. Completely opposite from what you would do if both of you were working for a good M. Someday, I hope you get the opportunity to apply those actions you had in your first plan you presented. But while you are in this stitch with a WAW, the worst thing you could do is pursue her.
Pursuit has many forms. Initiating contacts, creating opportunities to see her, taking small gifts (coffee,etc.), or larger gifts, flowers, giving her invitations, dropping hints, doing things for her, etc. B/c these actions cause tremdous pressure on her and she will pull away and resist that pressure.
The other worst thing that runs neck & neck with pursuing is begging/pleading/emploring. It turns off the WAW worse (I think) than even the pursuing. B/c it shows you, as a man, in a weak position......in her eyes. She has already lost respect for you, and those actions cause disgust in her.
We will give you suggestions in how to deal with this stage of things. If there is a change, and she comes to you and asks what she has to do to make the M work.......then we will help you through that stage. But for now.......and probably a long time, you will need to stick to this plan.
Sharing a business or working together is nearly as bad as living together. It is hard to detach from the emotional hook she will use to pull you in. That's why you have to stay focused. For now, I suggest that anything you do at her business, try to do it without consulting her......if you can. I understand you may have to with the bills, but if you work in the garden, etc., maybe you wouldn't, IDK. just don't use those "jobs" as an excuse to get to see her for a minute or two......or report what you've done for her.
Don't share with her what you are doing in your life. Don't discuss your changes, your LL, your needs or what you want to do for her.......nada. Like when you took her a coffee and told her your LL was acts of service. I know the LBH wants his WAW to see his changes and he worries that pulling away she will have all the wrong ideas. But don't be concerned with it b/c she will notice and a WAW never thinks the way her H believe she will think about him.
Speaking as a former WAW, I can tell you that the sooner she has to deal with the reality of her own decisions (having A with OM, and breaking up the M), the better off for everyone.....and the M. She is hooked on the excitement of the A. If you have never heard of the term PEAs, please look it up on Internet. It was very informative for me and helped me realize what I was experiencing.
By not rescuing her or protecting her from reality, it will assist her awaking from her WAW fantasy. I don't mean to imply that it is something you control to make it happen. You can't. But as long as she cake eats, the longer she is contented to keep things as they are. She gets part of her needs met from you, and the other needs are met by OM. She has the best of both worlds.
It is not your job to punish her. So you may have to use a few things as a guide to your motivatation behind your actions. Ask yourself, "Am I doing this to protect myself, or to rescue or punish her?".
Now something is going to happen, so I want you to be prepared. She will like you giving her
space when she wants it. But you need to be "unavailable" when she decides she will give you a few minutes of her time. You need to be unavailable to be her errand boy, plumber, electrician, gardener, etc. She won't like you not being available when she needs something. Or, whenever OM isn't available for her emotionally, she want to throw a few crumbs your way.
A lot of WAW's get angry when they see the changes in her H. Why did he wait till she left and then improved himself? She kind of takes it the wrong way. Many use the excuse of his improvements of "I am afraid you will fall back into your old ways". Truth is, they respect the changes he's made, but she's mad he didn't do it when she wanted it. You can't let that deter you from your path. You have already told her you had an awakening and are making improvements. Do not repeat anything you have already told her! The WAW is not hard of hearing. Many LBH'S have a need to "restate" something again as if it will have some sort of power or influence that it didn't have the first time he said it. No, just don't say anything.
When words fail you or she says something stupid just look at her astonished and slowly shake your head and move on away.
Your biggest temptation will probably be to discuss the relationship. It only hurts things at this point. Talking will not fix the problem now. Nothing will work to fix the M until she gets OM out of head and life for good. If she tries to talk about R, just tell her that when she ends the A, she can talk then. But then add "However. I won't wait forever". If that conversation happens, then don't tell her anymore. When or if she brings up the R, you hold your hand up in the "stop" position and tell her that unless the A has ended, there is nothing more to discuss.
When she does end the A, and she goes through the withdrawals (which is a subject for another time), then the two of you talk if she is interested and approaches you first. She should be the one to initiate.
So for now, you need to get well informed. You need to get focused on your life and your plan of action.
You need to detach. And, you need to do whatever you can to be in excellent health. What you are
_
experiencing takes a huge toll. But I don't have to tell you b/c you've been through this once before.
Take a day as it comes. Do the best you can, and don't beat yourself up when you mess up. Learn from your mistakes and from the information available.
It may not seem like it at times, but you are working on becoming a man only a fool would leave. But since she has already left, you have to take the long road around. Some day she (or perhaps a new lady) will see any woman would be crazy to leave you.
You can do it. Don't give up on yourself.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!