Dealing with an ongoing affair

[PeterV2]

Looks like some of this thread has been deleted. So I will recap what has been going on.
Here is my plan:
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MY PLAN TO HAVE A GREAT LIFE

I am doing this to create a great life for myself. To be the best human being I can be. To be generous, loving, caring, compassionate, honest and open in all relationships with others. To be financially successful and independent, so I can share my wealth and life with those for whom I care.

1. Change myself:
- Learn to keep emotionally present at all times – aware of my emotions and urges
- Control my emotions and urges and think about the consequences of my words before I utter them
- Get out of debt & manage money better
- Learn to let go and let the process unfold by itself
- Be more generous, less selfish
- Listen better and hear better
- Slow down, stop rushing.
- Eat meals slowly savouring the experience.
- In personal affairs, be less persistent, let things happen in due course
- Understand where I failed to meet my partner’s needs in the past so as not to repeat those mistakes in the future
- Release the need to control people or the circumstances. The only thing I can control is myself and even that’s a challenge at times.

2. Be open to reconnect with W:
- Stick to the solution-based approach
- Listen to what she says every time she opens her mouth and reflect back for full understanding
- Validate her thoughts, even if I totally disagree. Just acknowledge what she says
- Give her space
- When she comes to me be kind, gentle and loving but firm and strong.
- Detach from the outcome

In doing all these things I must remain:
- Calm in my demeanor
- Constant in my actions
- Consistent in my actions
- Committed to the process

When in crisis, consult with this plan, not my feelings. Be patient. Let the process take its due course. Have faith that by sticking to this plan the goal will eventually be achieved.





Follow these rules:
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns W completely off
2. No frequent phone calls to W.......let her be the one to call me. Then, don't try to hang on to W through conversation.....instead, I should say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get her to read marriage books, look at our wedding pictures, etc. Especially, do not get her to read the Divorce Busters/Divorce Remedy book. That is for me only!
4. Do not follow W around like a puppy dog trying to get her time and attention
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. She may not want to think about a future with me at the moment, so stay clear of that subject
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset her.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self-confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the relationship is much better and the affair is over.
10. Do not spy on W by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for me and will make matters worse.) In short, No Snooping.
11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make W say it back to me......she will despise me for it.)
12. Act "as if" I am moving on with my life with or without her and that I am going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best I can be and look the best I can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, because it does cause her to take notice.
14. Don't sit around waiting on her to see what kind of mood she is in or what she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for myself without waiting on W.....but it is okay to invite her; just don't act as if it will change my plans if she does or doesn't go.
15. When with W, do 180s… so if I usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for her to initiate, then be rather scarce or minimal with my words, but don't sound rude or too short like I am mad. If your W asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on my face. Keep it short & simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’t pout. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like I'm not speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16. If I'm in the habit of asking W her whereabouts, ASK HER NOTHING!! I am giving her space and asking no questions! I must enjoy MY life and time with my kids, friends, etc. Remember, I am getting a life too.
17. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if she notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing. (But never ask her if she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If I do, then I have blown it. The supposed changes will look like "tactics" to get her back & she won't believe the changes are lasting
18. No matter what I am feeling TODAY, only show W happiness and contentment. This can confuse her because it is not what she expected. Show W someone she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive & fun to be with. (As hard as this is, remember that angry, sad, pouting people do NOT ATTRACT others to them). The FUN somebody is me! Don't overkill in my attempts to outshine OM to the point of looking like my attempts are "fake" because W will see through all of that.
19. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until W wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patience on my behalf.
20. Never lose my cool! Never lose my temper! (That reinforces her choice to leave). Don't let W trap me into a fight. Don't take her bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if I have to, in order to avoid a fight. Call a time out and take it. Or when my buttons are pushed do a 180 and validate her view even if I silently disagree.
21. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill or be over the top in anything I do because it will come across as fake.
22. Do not argue about how W feels about something (it only makes her feelings more negative.) Only she knows how she feels! Don’t try to justify my former actions or behaviours when she says how she feels or felt about them. Just empathize and say how hard that must have been. I can add an apology if warranted, but no justifications or reasons. It’s not about me. It’s about her feelings.
23. Be patient……VERY, very patient. Give W space and time. When I pull back, it will draw her towards me. It feels opposite of what I want to do, but it works!
24. Listen carefully to what W is really saying to me. Look her in the eyes when she talks to me. Do NOT interrupt her when she is speaking, OR correct her, and stop what I may be working on or doing, to look at her when she talks. This shows her that I really care about what she is saying. (Listening better never hurts.)
25. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away (stating I need a time out) when I want to speak out (or scream and yell). Silence can be the loving thing to "not say."
26. Take care of myself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of my life that are not in turmoil). This is for my health's sake.
27. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Calmness is soothing to the calm person AND their "audience". Read self-help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for me only, NOT W. The more I tell her what I am doing (or trying to show her) the more my actions will seem manipulative & insincere.
28. Know that if I can do 180's, my smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words I can say or write or a single dramatic gesture. (Not saying not to do/say those too, but focus on consistent changes, over time. That earns W's belief in the changes).
29. Do not openly show that I am "desperate" or "needy" even when I am hurting more than ever, & even when I truly feel desperate & needy. This is a large turn-off for W. Very important that I get this concept.
30. When I communicate with W, do not focus on myself; instead, focus on her. If in person, make eye contact.
31. Do not believe any of what SHE SAYS and less than 50% of what SHE DOES. W will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared AND because she wants to justify her leaving.
32. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad I feel.
33. Do not ask W if she has noticed my changes! Those changes are for me and for the rest of my life...with or without her. If it is just to get W back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
34. Do not send several text messages or emails throughout the day, unless absolutely necessary. (That means only in urgent matters.)
35. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
36. Do not backslide from my hard earned changes.
37. Do Not convince myself that being miserable or sad shows how much I care for W. It's not attractive or appealing, period.
38. Don't focus on OM. BE the better choice, which means being a husband only a fool would leave.
39. Know that I really will be alright in the long run, that my personal work will yield good things regardless of the choices others make. I will be happy again.

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Here is my detachment manifesto.
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Developing Detachment
Content
What is detachment?
What are the negative effects not detaching?
How is detachment a control issue?
What irrational thinking leads to an inability to detach?
How to Develop Detachment
Steps in Developing Detachment

What is detachment?
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow W the freedom to be herself.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix W from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving W "the space" to be herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with W.
* Willingness to accept that I cannot change or control W.
* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from W, to whom I have previously given a lot of power to affect my emotional outlook on life.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and W, with whom I have become overly enmeshed or dependent in order that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see W falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for her failure or faltering.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to me to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow W to be who she "really is" rather than who I "want her to be."
* Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by W who in the past has been overly dependent or enmeshed with me.

What are the negative effects not detaching?
If I am unable to detach from W, then I:
* Will have W become over-dependent on me or vice versa.
* Run the risk of being manipulated to do things for W which I do not really want to do.
* Can become an obsessive "fix it" who needs to fix everything I perceive to be imperfect.
* Run the risk of performing tasks because of the intimidation I experience from W.
* Will most probably become powerless in the face of the demands of W to whom I have given the power to control me.
* Will be blind to the reality that W is one of the uncontrollables and unchangeables I need to let go of if I am to become a fully healthy, coping individual.
* Will be easily influenced by the perception of helplessness which W may project.
* Might become caught up with my idealistic need to make everything perfect for W even if it means my own life becomes unhealthy.
* Run the risk of becoming out of control of myself and experience greater low self-esteem as a result.
* Will most probably put off making a decision and following through on it, if I rationally recognize my relationship with W is unhealthy and the only recourse left is to get out of the relationship.
* Will be so driven by guilt and emotional dependence that the sickness in the relationship will worsen.
* Run the risk of losing my autonomy and independence and derive my value or worth solely from the unhealthy relationship I continue in with W.

How is detachment a control issue?
Detachment is a control issue because:
* It is a way of de-powering the external "locus of control" issues in my life and a way to strengthen my internal "locus of control."
* If I am not able to detach emotionally or physically from W, then I am either profoundly under her control or she is under my control.
* The ability to "keep distance" emotionally or physically requires self-control and the inability to do so is a sign that I am "out of control."
* If I am not able to detach from W, I might be powerless over her behavior which is beyond my personal control.
* I might be mesmerized, brainwashed or psychically in a trance when I am in the presence of W
* I might feel intimidated or coerced to stay deeply attached with W for fear of great harm to myself or to W if I don't remain so deeply involved.
* I might be an addicted caretaker, fixer or rescuer who cannot let go of W who I believe cannot care for herself.
* I might be so manipulated by W's con, "helplessness," over-dependency or "hooks" that I cannot leave her to solve her own problems.
* If I do not detach from W, I could be so busy trying to "control" her that I completely divert my attention from myself and my own needs.
* By being "selfless" and "centered" on W, I am really a controller trying to fix her to meet the image of my ideal for her.
* Although I will still have feelings for W, when I have become detached, I will have given her the freedom to become what she will be on her own merit, power, control and responsibility.
* It allows W to feel the sense of personal responsibility to become a unique, independent and autonomous being with no fear of retribution or rebuke if she doesn't please me by what she becomes.

What irrational thinking leads to an inability to detach?
* If I should stop being involved, what will she do without me? - She lived without me for many years before she met me and did just fine – she will be fine on her own again.
* She needs me and that is enough to justify my continued involvement. - She doesn’t really need me. She may not even want me. She’s a capable woman who will find her own way.
* What if she commits suicide because of my detachment? I must stay involved to avoid this. - She wouldn’t do that – if only for the sake of her daughter, her only child who she cherishes more than anyone else in the world.
* I would feel so guilty if anything bad should happen to her after I reduced my involvement with her. – She will be fine on her own. If bad things happen to her then it is because of her own choices over which I have no control.
* She is absolutely dependent on me at this point and to back off now would be a crime. – She is an independent woman and quite capable of running her own life – she did fine in the past.
* I need her as much as she needs me. – I am a strong and independent individual and will be fine without her, just as she will be fine without me.
* I can't control myself because every day I promise myself "today is the day" I will detach my feelings but I feel driven to her and her needs. – I am capable of incredible feats of control.
* She has so many problems, she needs me. – Her problems are of her own making and therefore they are hers to solve. Any help I provide to solve her problems will only be external influences and therefore will not have as deep an effect as those solutions she herself comes up with. In fact any help I may provide may have a counterproductive effect as she will perceive the help as me trying to manipulate the situation.
* Being detached seems so cold and aloof. I can't be that way when I love and care for a person. It's either 100 percent all the way or no way at all. – I can detach and not be cold or aloof. I can be detached and simultaneously empathetic and caring.
* If I should let go of this relationship too soon, she might change to be like the fantasy or dream I want her to be. – I cannot control what changes she goes through. And any changes she does go through I have the freedom to accept.
* How can being detached from her help her? It seems like I should do more to help her. – The more I help her the more enmeshed we become which is not a healthy result.
* Detachment sounds so final. It sounds so distant and non-reachable. I could never allow myself to have a relationship where there is so much emotional distance between me and her. It seems so unnatural. – The detachment is a necessary step in the process to allow her the freedom to come into her own, on her own terms and on her own timetable. Detachment seems counterintuitive but in reality it is only out of respect for the relationship and our marriage that it makes sense to detach and give her the freedom she needs and is asking for at this time.
* I never want anybody in a relationship to be emotionally detached from me so why would I think it a good thing to do for others?¬ – This is a necessary step in the process and is the only way to create the possibility of the growth that’s needed in the both of us.
* The family that plays together stays together. It's all for one and one for all. Never do anything without including the significant others in my life. – Fine idea for when our marriage relationship is strong, but at this time detachment is what is needed in order to light the way to lasting solutions.
* If one hurts in the system, we all hurt. I do not have a good relationship with others unless I share in their pain, hurt, suffering, problems and troubles. ¬ – I have my own pain to deal with and I can’t expect W to share my pain, so why would I think that I should share hers. We need to each individually deal with our own pain and problems – the solutions must come from within each of us – externally invoked solutions will not be lasting or profound enough to make a difference.
* When she is in "trouble," how can I ignore her "pleas" for help? It seems cruel and inhuman.¬ – I don’t have to ignore her “pleas” for help, but I don’t have to run to rescue her. I can listen to her and reflect back and empathize and validate her feelings, but she is ultimately responsible for helping herself and I should not interfere with that process. It may just result in her resentment and her feeling I’m trying to exert my control over the situation.
* When I see people in trouble, confused and hurting, I must always get involved and try to help them solve the problems.¬ – I must control any urges to get involved in something that I have no control over. People need to solve their own problems – I can offer support and encouragement but it’s not wise to offer the solutions – they need to find those on their own. I can lovingly ask pointed questions to stimulate thought but not to do so in order to control their path.
* When I meet people who are "helpless," I must step in to give them assistance, advice, support and direction. – That doesn’t really help them. They need to go through their own process of self-discovery.
* I should never question the costs, be they material, emotional or physical, when another is in dire need of help. – A cost benefit analysis should always be something I carefully consider when thinking of offering help.
* I would rather forgo all the pleasures of this world in order to assist others to be happy and successful. – No I wouldn’t.
* I can never "give too much" when it comes to providing emotional support, comforting and care of those whom I love and cherish. – I cannot drain my own emotional health for the benefit of my loved ones as that would not serve any of us well. I must be emotionally strong and not drained.
* No matter how badly my loved ones hurt and abuse me, I must always be forgiving and continue to extend my hand in help and support. – I teach people how to treat me, and by sanctioning bad behaviour I am not doing me or them any favours. I must have clearly defined boundaries and stick to them.
* Tough love is a cruel, inhuman and anti-loving philosophy of dealing with the troubled people in our lives and I should instead love them more when they are in trouble since "love" is the answer to all problems. – That’s a very shallow philosophy – sometimes tough love is true love.

How to Develop Detachment
In order to become detached from W, I need to:

First: Establish emotional boundaries between me and W, with whom I have become overly enmeshed or dependent on.

Second: Take back power over my feelings from W which in the past I have given power to affect my emotional well-being.

Third: "Hand over" to my Higher Power the person and situation which I would like to see changed but which I cannot change on my own.

Fourth: Make a commitment to my personal recovery and self-health by admitting to myself and my Higher Power that there is only one person I can change and that is me and that for my serenity I need to let go of the "need" to fix, change, rescue or heal W.

Fifth: Recognize that it is "sick" and "unhealthy" to believe that I have the power or control enough to fix, correct, change, heal or rescue W if she does not want to get better nor see a need to change.

Sixth: Recognize that I need to be healthy myself and be "squeaky clean" and a "role model" of health in order for W to recognize that there is something "wrong" with her that needs changing.

Seventh: Continue to own my feelings as my responsibility and not blame W for the way I feel.

Eighth: Accept personal responsibility for my own unhealthy actions, feelings and thinking and cease looking for W to blame for my unhealthiness.

Ninth: Accept that addicted fixing, rescuing, enabling are "sick" behaviors and strive to extinguish these behaviors in my relationship with W.

Tenth: Accept that W could be an "irrational," "unhealthy" and "toxic" influence in my life, label her honestly for what she truly is, and stop minimizing her negative impact in my life.

Eleventh: Reduce the impact of guilt and other irrational beliefs which impede my ability to develop detachment in my life.

Twelfth: Practice "letting go" of the need to correct, fix or make W better, over which I have no control or power to change.

Steps in Developing Detachment
Step 1: It is important to first identify the toxicities W is bringing into my life which would best lead me to develop emotional detachment in order to retain my personal, physical, emotional and spiritual health. To do this I need to review the following types of toxic relationships and identify if any of our interactions fit any of the following categories.

Types of Toxic Relationships
* I find it hard to let go of because it is addictive.
> She is emotionally unavailable to me.
> Coercive, threatening, intimidating to me.
> Punitive or abusive to me.
> Non-productive and non-reinforcing for me.
> She is overly dependent on me.
* I am overly dependent on her.
> She has the power to impact my feelings about myself.
* Relationship in which I am a chronic fixer, rescuer or enabler.
> Relationship in which my obligation and loyalty won't allow me to let go.
> She appears helpless, lost and out of control.
* She is self-destructive or suicidal.
* She has an addictive disease.
> Relationship in which I am being manipulated and conned.
* When guilt is a major motivating factor preventing my letting go and detaching.
> Relationship in which I have a fantasy or dream that the she will come around and change to be what I want.
* Relationship in which her and I are competitive for control.
> Relationship in which there is no forgiveness or forgetting and all past hurts are still brought up to hurt one another.
> Relationship in which my needs and wants are ignored.

Step 2: Once I have identified the toxicities in the relationship, then I need to work through the following steps.

Step 3: Identify the irrational beliefs in the toxic relationship which prevent me from becoming detached. Address these beliefs and replace them with healthy, more rational ones. (done above)

Step 4: Identify all of the reasons why I am being hurt and my physical, emotional and spiritual health is being threatened by the relationship. - Her ongoing affair and rejection of me is constantly causing me emotional pain which is causing me to lose sleep, elevating my blood pressure and pulse and causing me anxiety and spiritual crises. She is spewing unjust criticisms about me, my family, my very being, our marriage, our past relationship and my past behaviour. Some of these toxic words cut me to my very soul and I need a very thick spew jacket to protect me.

Step 5: Accept and admit to myself that she is "sick," dysfunctional or irrational, and that no matter what I say, do or demand I will not be able to control or change this reality. Accept that there is only one thing I can change in life and that is me. All others are the unchangeables in my life. Change my expectations that things will be better than what they really are. Hand my relationship with W over to my Higher Power and let go of the need to change her.

Step 6: Work out reasons why there is no need to feel guilt over letting go and being emotionally detached from this relationship and free myself from guilt as I let go of the emotional "hooks" in the relationship. I need to do this for self-preservation. Without doing this I will steadily decline in my ability to withstand the constant negative pressure to a point where my coping skills may fail me.

Step 7: Affirm myself as being a person who "deserves" healthy, wholesome, health-engendering relationships in my life. I am a good person and deserve healthy relationships, at home, work and in the community.

Step 8: Gain support for myself as I begin to let go of my emotional enmeshment with W.

Step 9: Continue to call upon my Higher Power for the strength to continue to let go and detach.

Step 10: Continue to not give W the power to affect or impact my feelings about myself.

Step 11: Continue to detach and let go and work at self-recovery and self-healing as this poem implies.

"Letting Go"
* To "let go" does not mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for her.
* To "let go" is not to cut myself off; it's the realization I can't control her.
* To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
* To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
* To "let go" is not to try to change or blame her; it's to make the most of myself.
* To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
* To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
* To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow her to be a human being.
* To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow her to affect her own destiny.
* To "let go" is not to be protective; it's to permit her to face reality.
* To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.
* To "let go" is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
* To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate her, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
* To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
* To "let go" is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
* To "let go" is to fear less and love myself more.

Step 12: If I still have problems detaching, then return to Step 1 and begin all over again.
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