Biggus Dickus: Part 2

[LoisB]

25, thanks for your all your thoughts. I promise, I'm taking all of them to heart.

I did go to inpatient co-dependency treatment in my 20's to work on some of these deep issues. Beat on the pillows, screamed, all that jazz. I will, though, look at what you are suggesting.

I know I was interested in Retrovaille at one point, but Smokey wasn't.

I really don't feel I could work any harder or deeper on my childhood issues. I think I've done about all there is to do.

I do, however, think my feelings will lead me out of this if I listen to them without judging myself. And, some of that is actually the stinky feelings. I get stuck in the stinkin thinkin so easily. I need to separate the feelings from the thoughts and seek the source of the bad feelings.

BTW, your d can help you out at home while she's there, but HER life is her job and I'd be wary of counting on her for supporting the household with a job.

If I gave the impression that I expect her to help support my household, it wasn't intended. I do, however, have some expectations about her contributing to her cell phone ($50 per month) and her one prescription which is $80 per month. I won't have her pay all the script, but she can help. Up to this point, I've carried these things for her.

She has had a glorious year, socially, at school. :-) No part-time job and the ability to enjoy her sorority and friends and some much-needed re-awakenings of all the FUN that life can offer. It's time to take on some more responsibility now. I can't continue helping with her extras.

I was clear last summer that I wouldn't pay for any sorority expenses. AND, I told her she needed to achieve a 3.0 for me to continue helping her with spending money and paying the cell phone and the other non-essentials.

This past year, I have put my own finances in jeopardy trying to help her and that's why I feel so strongly about her working this summer and possibly fall. She hasn't gotten the grades or achieved the credit hours I would have liked.

She got a 2.9 last semester and had to drop one course because she was failing. Then, she re-took the course and may have to take an incomplete or get a D. NOT COOL.

Yes, she was sick this semester. I get that. But, she has about 15 completed credit hours after a year of school. Her grade point is up in the air because of the unfinished material.

She was depressed around mid-term and I got her to the doc to get some medication. I also pushed her to go to college counseling.

I don't know what's going to happen. I know I'm disappointed with her academics and financial contribution.

[LoisB]

Having said all that...this is why I have encouraged her to think about a semester off. I don't see her agreeing though, and that's ok. She will need to figure her way out of this.

She has applied to 8 different summer jobs. And, she applied for a job at school next year.

I see her as someone who runs like Smokey does...when it comes to uncomfortable feelings. I think she lost herself in her sorority in order to ignore bad feelings coming up about home and used it to avoid schoolwork.

Plus, she doesn't have the skills, yet, to manage schoolwork, sorority elected position, part-time job, etc... I say this because she couldn't manage the first two this year and she plans on adding the job to her schedule next year. I, personally, think she could use a year off to work, earn money, catch her breath and, then, go back. She won't have it though.

I always thought she was a kid who could use one-two years between high school and college to master some "grown up skills." Smokey's nosedive kinda changed everything and I just wanted her to get somewhere more fun, with promise and she wanted to get the he!! outta Dodge...I couldn't blame her at the time.

With Smokey refusing to help her in any way...there's just more pressure on her to figure things out. She doesn't do pressure well.

We went from Smokey leaving her Junior Year to College Visits to Graduation to College last August. No time to breathe. I'm ready for a moment to breathe. Smokey didn't contribute to her graduation expenses or college expenses. I've tackled it all. I'm tired and want nothing more than to take a breather and get my own stuff in order...i.e. dissolution, car, business...

That's what I plan to do, regardless of what she chooses. And, I am reimbursing my account with some of what I spent this year, especially in rental vehicles going back and forth. She can add to this account with money she earns.

The ROTC would be ideal for her. She is an athlete. She had to quit soccer after lettering because she received a fifth concussion. Any structured group with a coach of sorts works wonders on her. She thrives when forced to submit to structure. :-)

[LoisB]

In other news...

Today was ok. It was busy.

Had two difficult students this morning followed by dodge ball for D11 where I marketed.

I'm taking this new student with us to dodgeball and he makes all my other difficult students look like Pollyanna. He is sooooo hard. I think he may be on the spectrum but never diagnosed. He's another one who was adopted from Russia.

Anyway, I'm glad he is going to dodgeball because I saw him laugh and be a kid. He is very serious always and ALWAYS has to have the last word. He has terrible social skills and has alienated the other students by dominating conversations and talking over them. We have lots of work to do here. Poor guy. I know he doesn't mean to and he's terribly lonely.

But, he makes for a very long, long, long day. I'm whipped at the end.

The bad feelings didn't overcome me too much today. I was able to push through. There was one point where the screen door broke and it felt like one more thing to fix.

Then, my mom has made plans on Friday during the time I need to go pick up D19. This, after I told her on Saturday AND Sunday that I couldn't leave to get D19 until Friday at 2. SHE was the one who insisted I didn't cancel students (I didn't want to). So, today, she tells me she can't do it then because she has a dinner.

This means I will have to rent another effin car. I was really pi$$ed. I need to work through this resentment. This is sooooooo my mom.

Then, when I confront her, she acts like she had no idea that Friday afternoon was the plan.

I'm going to go take a brisk walk.

I set this aside until now, but now that I'm writing...grrrrr.

I'm also trying to set aside the jungle in my front yard that I just don't have the energy for...

I'm going to walk.

[LoisB]

Mmmmmkayy.

Heather mowed. :-)

I went and got the gas and I filled the push mower and I mowed about 1/2 acre in the front yard, including my wildflowers which needed mowed before they really took.

I feel good, better. It really helped and, as always, I had my most profound thoughts whilst mowing. But, mainly, I just worked my body and it felt nice using these ol muscles again.

I bet my mom has dinner with stepdad on Friday. That's what would take precedence over my previous appointment. Jeezus. This is why I'm paranoid. I'm surrounded by people who don't say what they mean or they mean at the time and then backtrack and make excuses and back out of previous obligations.

Still peeved. I'm going to try tapping on this one and see where it takes me.

I felt strong mowing. Third summer without Smokey and, somehow, the yard still gets mowed and things still get done. :-) I'm not spending this one crying as I weed. Been there, done that.

[Wonka]

Hey Heather...

Reading here...sorry been MIA as I am practicing my conga skills for a family wedding and scurrying for a particular lipstick. Oh and some Mother's Day cards too!!

So much to do, so little time...maybe for the Electric Slide?!!
Decisions, decisions.

BTW...what came of the STC May 5th event?

[LoisB]

Heydie Ho Wonka!

Yes, Wonka, you should feel very guilty or having a life. LOL.

I wanna learn to conga! Isn't that a jungle though?

The event is tonight. It's also one and a half hours away. I didn't realize this when I first saw it. Not sure this is going to happen. However, I've responded to an email sent by a local representative and initiated a "rapport." I told her that I was new to tech writing, but not freelancing. Mentioned I did some writing for Rockwell/Allen Br. and I'm willing to take any suggestions/advice.

I have another welcome email that came from another member and I plan on responding to this one as well.

[LoisB]

Saw the attorney this morning.

He is drafting the final separation agreement and dissolution papers. I will look over them and he will send them.

Everything looks fine. We are asking for $854 in spousal support for 90 months, 494 in child support with an extension because of D11's disability, five years in the house before I have to refinance and $12,000 paid to me within 6 months to reimburse me for the deferred comp cashout.

There's more about insurance and so forth...but, those are the main issues. I'm sure I will post and ask the atty more questions when I see the final draft.

I was doing ok until he mentioned he spoke to FIL who said the house and the support were going to be the big issues. That scared me. I felt myself spinning.

Still, the agreement is a very fair offer.

My atty LOVES my FIL. Most people in town do and it's hard when he says what great guy he is...FIL also used to be the former domestic relations judge so I'm nervous about what he will come back with...It's FIL who sees the main issue as the house. Smokey doesn't really. I think Smokey would like to see D11 able to stay in the house.

Smokey's solution is to sign the house over to me and me forego any retirement.

As I was driving home, I realized that I could, don't want to, but COULD ask my mom or dad to purchase the house in their name and then have the support sent straight into an account to pay the mortgage. Just thinking out loud in the worst case scenario.

D19 called me at 2 a.m. because her writing prof told her that she prob won't pass college writing, again. Then, she texted and called over and over while I was in the atty's office. I was furious. Spoke to her after and told her my feelings, "Handle this."

I was getting, "Please mom, I need your help. Please, please, please..."

Give me a break. It really upset me. I told her that this spinning is what concerns me about her being in college. IDK. She wears me out. Like Smokey, she wears me out.

Anyway, it's a beautiful day. I'm going to practice some of my tapping. I'm going to work in the yard.

[job]

Heather,
Your lawyer will work w/your FIL and hopefully all of this will be settled up soon. It's been going on for a long time and I do hope that things will settle up quickly so that you can put your focus on you and what's important in your life.

Asking your parents to purchase the home at least what is left on the mortgage is a good idea and then you could pay them back...but would they do that?

As for your D in college, how does she think you can help her w/her writing? She needs to work w/the professor and find out what she's doing incorrectly. This situation is only hers to own and unfortunately, you can't bail her out. She's got to learn to "handle" her own situations and once she figures out how to do so, she' be surprised at what she can actually do on her own.

Working in the yard will give you some tension relief. Enjoy the beautiful weather. Sunshine does so much for the soul and spirit.

[LoisB]

Thanks Job.

One of the reasons God chose this atty for me...this is how it feels...has to do with his reputation for being fair. My FIL respects that. My FIL is a fair kinda guy too, it's my MIL that's the b!tch driving the wagon though.

My atty isn't known for being cutthroat or anything. He is a nice guy with a child on the Autism Spectrum. So, hopefully, Smokey and FIL will see this a fair, run-of-the-mill agreement based on the numbers and it does factor in a min wage job for me earning around 16,000 per year. Hopefully, this will shut them up about my earning--the min wage earning potential is what the court would require and I'm fine with this.

I'm going to work off some of this tension like you said.

D19 is pi$$ed at herself because she is about to flunk the writing course that she is already taking again. She realizes I have some good points about her NOT being ready to juggle school, work, sorority and life. She needs baby steps and she hates that. School=Fun and positive strokes because everyone loves her. That's great, but you don't get the grades, you can't stay in school. She needs to find the solution.

[LoisB]

Just mowed a bit and was struck with a resentment. I need to vent. No need for feedback on the logic/illogical stuff. I'm pi$$ed.

I resent that Smokey's mommy and daddy are handling this divorce. Once again, he gets a "Get outta jail Free" card because his parents will enable. Literally, they have gotten him outta fixes with the PO PO.

I may need to add to the agreement than he pays for some of the attorney fees and court costs. He spends his tax refund money on teenage clothes, while I have to spend mine on atty fees and a rental car to go get D19.

A$$hole.