I still say your big hang up is the idea that she's lying and thinks your buying. You want her to know that you know. So tell her you know.
It's not that I need her to know that I know. It's that I think that if it's exposed (only to her), then she becomes aware that my actions are in that context. Again, she is convinced that by denying it, I have no reason not to believe her. So if I were to file right now, she'd say "See, he never loved me, because he doesn't know about A, so what else could drive him to that?" If the A were obvious, she might say, "Hey, my A is causing me to lose something here." Maybe I'm wrong on the what if's, maybe she'll never have a logical thought again, but it seems to be the way she behaves.
For example, she's called three times while I've been writing this, all to get the password for the phone account, under the guise of needing a client's number from last month, in spite of my repeated offer of the last month's records for her phone. In the last call, she asked if I was reluctant to give her the password because I had something to hide. You see, it has nothing to do with her records, the posse wants to look at mine. Because I am now going out some nights without her and GAL, she assumes I have an OW. I'm not going to subject myself to the scrutiny of the posse. And my thinking is that if the A were in the open, she might more easily accept that I am going out because there is nothing for me at home while the A is going on.
It was the same thing last month when she asked for a year's worth of bank statements. I'm not having that stuff go all over town. And as long as there is no proven A, then she continues down the "he's hiding something, and he has no reason not to show me" line as opposed to the "I'm not in this M, he has absolutely no reason to trust me, so I shouldn't be that surprised that he doesn't want to show me his bank statements" line.
So she spins up the "he's hiding something" with her friends, they repeat it, and I honestly think she believes it. I may be completely incorrect that she would assume any responsibility for what is happening if the A were in the open. But that's what's driving me there. It's not as simple as "I want you to know that I know". It's that I think it may take away the ability to deny responsibility.
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And I am moving on. I guess I'd like her to understand my reasoning, and that she has something to do with it and some choice in the matter, rather than just have her wonder why I'm out without her, or call me an a$$hole that's trying to make her life miserable because he never loved me, etc. etc.
I don't understand what you mean here. Is this part of your reason for wanting to expose? Whether it is or not, do you think that telling her these reasons will matter to her? You are speaking as if she were the girl you M. She's not.
I'll restate to clarify.
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And I am moving on. I guess I'd like her to understand that I have gone dim because I am letting go, and that is because I won't share her, and that she has some choice in that matter. Currently she wonders why I'm out doing things without her. She believes that the reason I don't pay $5000 a month on her CC bill is because I'm an a$$hole and I want to make her life miserable; not because we just can't afford that.
So, while I don't mean to be obstinate, and really, I do hear you when you tell me she won't listen to anything I say, and I won't convince her of anything right now, I also know she has some very wrong impressions of "what I think", and sometimes I think that if this stuff got written out, that maybe when her friends or her T look at it, someone might say, "Hey, this doesn't quite match what you're saying." So I get it, really, that she won't listen. But I also know that everything I do, absolutely everything, gets run by the posse multiple times daily. So I'm not just dealing with her anymore. It's me vs the crowd. And it is probably unlikely that I can get any influence with any of them.
And as I said yesterday, every line in that speech addresses a misconception of hers in her language. Agreed that none of that matters to her now.
Maybe it's this simple:
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I love you far too much to settle for only part of you. I need all or nothing. You won't give me all of you, so I'm letting go.
You can't have both of us. If you want to change the path we're on, end A then we can move forward. However, I can't wait forever.
And I just go as dark as possible. And the whole while, she doesn't understand why I'm moving on. And then one day, it's over.
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Or, you can expose the A just between the two of you. But it won't cause her to fall into your arms when you do it. I doubt it will cause her to break down and repent right then & there. There is a good chance it won't end her waywardness.....and she may leave at that point. Which is okay as long as you know it could go either way.
Agree on all points. Highly unlikely that she leaves yet because she is worse than broke, still with months before her first commission, and she won't leave kids. So unless one of the posse agrees to put she and the kids up, she will never leave the house. And I agree it may not stop A. All I really want is that she understand that things are unwinding because of A, and that is her choice. At least for a while, I'm sure it is just what she wants.
So tonight, when I go home, I'll have to deal with the phone password. And she will have no idea why she doesn't "have a right to the family account" (her words) Well, it's because she's not part of the family right now, followed by denial.
