So.. here I am, a brand new ball of anguish and uncertainty after the bomb was dropped on April 17th. I wasn't sure if I belonged here, since we're not married, but we have been in a relationship for almost 9 years. However I came across Ali's threads (which by the way cheered me up a lot considering her happy ending) and I decided to post anyway...
Me and my bf (should I call him ex?) were together almost 9 years. I'm 26, he's 33. It was a long distance relationship for 5 years as I was studying abroad, we spent about half the year apart. So when we saw each other it was all new and sparkly. Then in June I finally moved back and moved in with him, which he really wanted.
Like everyone says... our relationship was great. We were best friends, laughed, played, great sex (maybe a little less now that we lived together). We have the same musical tastes, which is really rare since they are quite peculiar, we have the same sense of humor... he still tells me I'm the perfect woman for him. On paper at least!
He was pretty distant for a month or so, then dropped the bomb. All the classics: ILYBINILWY, I need time to think, I don't know who I am, etc. And then: I waited for you so long, and now I discover I can't live with you, it's terrible. What's wrong with me. Even when I lived with my parents I couldn't stand them. I'm never going to be able to live with anyone.
So, then it turns out indeed there is an OW involved. I was letting him stay in my house (where we lived together) while I was going to leave for Wales to stay with a friend to relax and focus on my work. I found the proof in the trashcan when I popped home to grab some stuff. We had an emotional phone call in the evening where:
- he tried to deny with all sorts of embarrassing excuses
- he told me he will never again find someone as good as me (I studied abroad, am working as a writer, am pretty successful while he is stuck in a rut in our small Italian town and lived with his parents till he was 31)
- he begged me to give him some time to think as he's confused and doesn't want to lose him
- then sent me distraught texts about how he never deserved me, I was always better than him in every way (something he said more than once in our relationship), he lost the most precious thing he had (me)
But the next time I heard from him, to arrange him moving out of the house, he was very cold and detached. After being best friends and speaking to each other daily for 9 years, now he's pretty happy not speaking with me. Eventually he even stopped lying about the OW - I told him I just want him to be happy and if he's happier being with this other person... and he quickly said it was only a one night thing. Which I don't really believe, because he'd been on Whatsapp all the time in the past month and hiding the phone.
If I hadn't trusted him so blindly I should have been suspicious, I guess. But to have 5 years of long distance relationship, I had to trust him blindly. His betrayal feels much worse because he did it with me right here.
Now, I have two options. Either he's having a... not quite MLC, more like a 30-year-old crisis with 'omg I'm growing up what am I doing with my life'. Things that support this:
- he's avoiding all his friends his own age, especially those married or with kids. One of his former best friends lives literally down the road and he never wanted to see him for as long as he lived there 'cause he's married and working on a family.
- gym, clothes, the usual
- he is a rock guitarist, and he wanted to be a professional musician. In a small Italian valley? Not much chance. So now he might be realizing that dream is over. He's started hanging out with his 19 year old colleagues who want to be musicians when they grow up and worship him as a rock god. I, on the other hand, am on the fast track to accomplishing my dreams and while he's very proud and supportive, maybe I make him feel bad about himself...
- he only hangs out with two friends from high school who still live with their parents, one is still a virgin, the other doesn't speak to women and only hooks up with random strangers in porn chatrooms
- at 33, he was still living as a teenager. Until I offered him to stay at my house while I was away last year, he never moved out from his parents. But then before he could even enjoy living alone I came along and everything changed.
- his little sister had a baby two months ago, right when his crisis started. He was not happy! When we saw the newborn he told me he still didn't realize she was there. Now the family is all about babies and being mature and he freaks out. He avoids the baby. I was way more enthusiastic than he.
- tells me at 33 'his life is practically over, what else can he do now, it's too late'. AT 33!! Not 133!
- says he feels 'annulled' and doesn't know what he wants in life
- everyone thinks he's a decent, honest, honorable, down-to-earth guy and he always abhorred cheaters. This behavior is completely out of character for him and everyone is shocked to the core. It's like he's suddenly changed into another person.
- tries to blame me because we never did anything 'fun', but with or without me there, he always spent his time watching television or sleeping, and whenever I want to go somewhere he declines. I invited him to come to England to live but said no because he was scared of losing his security and job (electrician at construction site). I went to Japan, he said he couldn't come because it was expensive, then when he heard how much I loved it he wanted us to go this summer...
- tries to blame me because for the past couple of months I was 'a zombie': well, my grandma died, I had tons of work, PhD work, and a heroin addict stepdad to handle. His family is so perfect it seems unreal, but I have [censored] to deal with. That's life!
- he even told me he thought about it and thinks maybe it is a 30 year old crisis
So I could chalk up the affair to a momentary fog that's making him feel young and free from responsibility and from that dreaded 'growing up and being in a serious relationship' thing.
Or the other option is... he just fell out of love with me, and that's it. The relationship suddenly isn't sparkly and new anymore but we had to deal with domesticity, routine, being around each other in pjs, and he realized he just doesn't love me. This is what scares me the most.
I am left scratching my head. We didn't have years of marriage where he could have gotten bored - just a few months of routine life. Part of me wants to believe he just got freaked out by routine and responsibility and omg I'm no longer a 20 yr wannabe rockstar with a girlfriend, I'm a man on the path to marriage. But the other... I don't want to get my hopes up.
Even before finding these forums, I think I handled it pretty well. Apart from much crying the first night - we held each other and cried together, I told him I just want him to be happy and that if I'm making him unhappy then I'll accept it and back out, and that he should go do his thing and I'll go and do mine and then we'll regroup and see. I've been mostly calm when dealing with him - even tho I'm furious and upset about the cheating - saying that we need the time and for the moment I'm open to working on the relationship, if he so chooses, but I'm not here twiddling my thumbs waiting for him.
As for him, he's not speaking to anyone about his problems, not sure about OW, he changed his Whatsapp status to something that translates to 'pitiful, pathetic', and just told one of his friends he feels like an idiot. When I did mention that I think we should at least give it another try before tossing everything away, he said that 'the door is not closed but he doesn't want to get my hopes up', that he can't commit now but doesn't want to end it and then regret it. I also do think he's feeling bad - he's not the kind of person who behaves like this - and he's putting himself down a lot. Despite being so hurt, I just let his parents know that I think he needs help and they should be there to support him, since the family policy in our area is 'pretend everything is ok and never speak about anything EVER', then broke contact with them.
At the moment I'm in no contact. Working, trying not to think about it, because whatever his decision, there's nothing I can do to influence it. I keep cycling between rage, despair, hope, and strange moments of calm, like now, when I realize it's out of my hands. Once he makes up his mind, we'll take it from there... still doesn't prevent me from obsessing tho!
Gosh! I'm so sorry for such a long post. I'm a writer by trade, so rambling helps me think. But I'm really confused. What do you think?
Me: 26, BF: 33, R: 9yrs Bomb dropped April 17th 2014 Currently No Contact
