Saving my family - Part 12

[Scorp7]

Ok, first off, I'm saying my opinion. Everyone has theirs, I'm saying mine. If I'm acting and don't think I'm justified with what I'm doing then there really would be a problem. Am I wrong? I very well could be, it's happened before. That's why I'm here to try to learn from those that have been through their own situations. If I come across as defensive it's not my intention, I'm just giving reasons for my actions. If my approach is a bad one then I will consider all of your advice and change things up.

3BM, my wife has kept my kids from me, or if you like, I allowed her to keep them from me by not taking further action. She has also eased up on that some and the kids have been with me more over the past few months. Saying I have not considered the advice here doesn't seem to go along with several posters telling me I haven't done enough, not stood up for myself etc. Now that I am taking actions I'm not doing it correctly. The advice I think I've been given, unless I took it the wrong way, was to take action for what I think is best for my kids and stop worrying about how my W may respond. I've done that I think, maybe I didn't do it as well as I could have.

Eric, your input is great, I appreciate all the time you've taken responding to my posts. One of your posts from my last thread jumped out at me:

"When you stop being afraid of your W, the answers will come clearer to you. You are still paralyzed by fear and guilt in my opinion.

Do I tell her?

What is she gonna say or do?

What if she says no?

What if...what if..what if....

First, stop thinking and trying to coparent with her! I know it sounds harsh. Here is the thing...are you co parenting or are you just doing what SHE wants. A difference buddy. A big difference.

Co parenting takes TWO people. Yes, there are two people involved but who is the one that keeps making all of the changes? Hmmm....

To answer your question more directly....

I would email her and let her know....

"I will pick up the kids on X date. I will drop them off to you on X date and time."

The big one is the last line on the message to send to my W about my kids. Simple, to the point. No anger, no emotion, no bullying, just facts. The last example message you gave was good too. Somewhat different than the previous example. I think both are good and I went more along the lines of your first example.

You also had another good point. Are my W and I co parenting or was I just doing what my W wanted. I think I was just going along with my W in most cases. I would tell her my objections, I didn't act on them. Although, I'd say filing for D was a pretty big action. Anyway, I'm not trying to be a bully and I'm not angry. Hurt and frustrated for sure, you bet, no anger. I still love my W, I don't think she's doing what she's doing to intentionally hurt me, she's doing pretty much what I've started to do now. Has she come across as a bully and a dictator in her actions at times? Yeah, I think so. Am I now doing that? I think it could come across that way to her which stinks.

Again, you hit the nail on the head and it's the advice I'd been given by many on here for a long time. I was doing a lot of talking to my wife (technically emailing), I wasn't taking action. I am taking action now, doing it in a way that doesn't put my W's possible reaction ahead of what I feel needs to be done. The problem I see might be the same that you all are seeing too. Now that my W and I are BOTH taking action and NOT AGREEING we are setting up a war. Not what I want at all and not in the best interests of the kids.

Am I willing to talk to her and come to a compromise? Absolutely. Will she be willing to do that? Who knows. I'm working on the "have no expectations" idea so I took action without worrying to much about what my W's response may be.