Wife in MLC and getting ready to go #2

[TSquared2]

I chose my words very intentionally, especially the question about responsibility.

Let me use something from my own sitch.

One of the biggest things I have learned here is there is no need to defend myself. And I was an amazing self-defender system. When W would confront me on stuff, have issues, etc, I was already 3 steps ahead of her with valid, logical reasons why I did something, was going to do something and why I was right. Her thoughts and feelings were not heard.

I was also a first class fixer, when W would come to be with issues, I was figuring out how to resolve the issue before she finished speaking. I didn't listen to her fully...


That ^^^ is also controlling behavior.

And for years my W felt not fully heard, her opinions not fully valued, by me. And because I AM rather smart, she felt inferior, which fed her lifelong depression and self-esteem issues.

Thing is, I did NOT know or see that ^^^^ when I first got here. The vets and my "classmates" here helped me to get that those ^^^ were things I was not aware I was doing (there are a couple vets here who probably have a custom 2X4 with my name carved into it...).

We don't have to defend ourselves because every one on this earth is doing the best they can at the time with the tools they have, at THAT TIME. Including our MLC spouses.

So while I WAS a pretty damn good man, husband and father before W's MLC (even W says so again, NOW, lol), thanks to the people and the tools here, and that I finally looked at the sitch and MYSELF with a true beginner's mind, I am even better. Everyone wins when we do the self-work that this opportunity provides, and heck, doing the self-work is a more productive use of this time than fretting about what W is up to, because they are on their own time table that we didn't write.

Here's a tool for you:

I was a horrible mindreader and analyzer, ask anyone. Due to my science and engineering background, it is my natural way of existence. I would get all spun up and frustrated as heck. Not good for the kids, DB-ing, work, me. Worked myself up a lovely bleeding ulcer. Thanks to the people here in persisting with getting me to see that this was not good or helpful, I re-framed this into a socio-athropological research experiment in my mind. This putting it into "science" mode was a natural way to help me detach and be the unemotional/distant observing scientist. I would jot down my notes about her antics/spew/crazy, go hmmm, and be able to not get all spun up.

But I had to look at things differently to get there, and these people here helped me do that by holding up lots of mirrors to me from my postings, and I had to take a beginners mind to everything to see what was being reflected back from all their different perspectives.