Saving my family - Part 12

[ericmsant2]

So now the big bad Scorp7 comes out!

Yep…the Scorp that is not going to tolerate this anymore. The Scorp that now is going to lead.

So you have “Informed” (another nice way of telling her) your W, that YOU will be starting to implement shared time with “our” kids in the coming week.

Know what I see?

A bully.

Someone who is finally fighting back. The problem, at least IMO, is that the manner that you are planning to fight back is ALL wrong.

Go in with guns blazing at THIS point and you will lose, which should really be the least of your concerns. How the kids will react should be your concern.

Every decision I have made was with the idea of trying to avoid a battle that would have my kids caught in the middle. Some would say in an effort to avoid a battle I sat on my hands for too long. That may well be the case.

Ummm…it is the case – not “may well be”.

I tried to avoid getting into any sort of battle over our kids because that is one of the worst situations a family can find themselves in.

No you avoided a battle because you were scared. You avoided a battle because YOU wanted her back MORE than you wanted to be a part of the kids lives. If you are going to be honest..be honest – not with me but with yourself.

Either way, you are now in this position and quite frankly she has the upper hand. So please before you continue with behavior that IMO, is more about YOU showing YOURSELF that you will not tolerate it than it is about accomplishing the goal of becoming a part of your kids lives – sit back a re-read your thread and the advice that continues to be given to you.

So, I am faced with a choice. Continue to let my W dictate the situation, see my kids for 6 days a month or a bit more if there happens to be a school holiday, OR stand up for what I believe is right for my kids.

Yes you are faced with a choice – how YOU DEAL WITH IT…is IMO, what will illustrate the type of MAN you are.

There has been a TON of research on this topic over the past several years that backs this up.

Yes I get that and no one here is an idiot. We all get it. There has also been a ton of research on the effects of not being involved and a ton of research on the BEST way to reconnect when a parent has not been around.


Scorp, IMO, you are pissed off. As Mach said, probably more at yourself than at anyone else. You are also probably pissed at her. Chances are you may feel like she is WINNING. Here is the thing though….this isn’t about WINNING. No one WINS. This should be about healing and growing. You should GROW and HEAL and the kids should GROW and HEAL. You are right to fight for YOUR rights as a parent. How is it then should you fight?

YOUR W seems to have her chit together. She has begun conversation with you. Yes she is dictating some things, that I would agree with – are they wrong though? Now that you are communicating with her…is it more about HER doing what YOU want OR about BOTH of you giving a little? From where I sit, YOUR anger is driving your choices. YOUR anger want this to be about YOU finally standing up and driving everything. The only problem with this…is ARE YOU REALLY CONSIDERING the impact to the kids?

I am sure you have heard them say..they miss you. I am sure that they tell you that MOM pissed them off. I am sure they say things to YOU that YOU are using to fuel YOUR anger. Here is the thing, PARENTS can discern the difference…between a child venting a child dying to see them. Here is an example….a personal one….

I have a 13 yo little girl. She means the world to me. I recently found out that when she does not get her way with me…that she texts her mom and complains about me. Her mom (wonderful person she is – NOT)….feed it. Tells her things that bash me, shows her anger. Is that good for my little girl? NO. Is healthy boundaries good for her? YES.

So I am sure the kids are saying that they miss you…and that mom is not around….but are you there? Do you really know what is going on? Can you really say that taking them for…say 7, 8, 9 or 10 days straight is the right thing for them? It may seem that way and they may be happy…but the reality is that it is probably more like a vacation for them, then a “this is what your world would like like”. Another way to look at it….you may win the battle (ie. The vacation) but will you win the WAR (i.e. they feel very comfortable with you half the time and half the time with mom). Are you following me?


The fact that you continue to focus just on 50/50 tells me that one of your concerns is money and/or how it will make your W feel. Trust me buddy….neither really matter. What matter most is that the kids feel secure and stable with you. Forcing this NOW is probably not the best.

Let me ask you another question.....

Why not start with just 4 or 5 days? What is the big deal?

While I was posting here I thought…that maybe I should try and rewrite your email to W.


Dear Ms Scorp,

Thank you for the email. I was planning on going up on X day and picking up the kids. I agree that we should try and slowly integrate the kids into what the future parenting schedule would be like. So how does the following sound to you..

This coming week, I’ll have them 3 days…Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. I’ll make sure they get to school and any after activities. We can keep it at 3 days a week (I’m open to which days) for 2 or 3 months. If the kids adapt, we can then try the following schedule: X, Y and Z.

As for holidays, we can alternate the holidays if that works. I am open to your suggestions. Father’s day and Christmas Eve though are important holidays so I would really like them with me.

As for the therapist session – thank you for sharing the information. Can you let me know when the next appt is, I would like to attend. Also, please send me the therapist contact info so that I have it.

Yes, the plan is to sell the house and relocate up by you. The kids need both of us near them – this has already been too hard on them. If I cannot sell by X date, then I will try and rent the house. Either way, I hope to find a place nearby by X date. At this point, we can potentially implement the above suggested parenting plan.


In the above, you are 1) putting the kids first 2) trying to work with her 3) stating your needs in a very direct way and 4) being respectful.

Your goal is to see the kids and develop a schedule as soon as possible. It does NOT need to be 50/50 on day one. What is important is that the kids see you.

Another story for you……


My mom, cheated on her husband and guess what….I was the result. My dad, who I have never met nor know who exactly he is…left 20.00 bucks on the table and walked away.


Moral of the story…….

I would not have given a chit if my dad had 50/50……what would have matter most…is that I got to spend time with him.


Your kids do not give a rats arse about 50/50, they do not give a rats arse about 50/50 research, they do not give a rats arse about..the drama between you and your W.

What they want…is to be loved.


One more point……

What if you went up…took them for a few days, and they asked to spend more time with you. Do YOU REALLY think YOUR W would say NO to them?


I’ll leave you with this….

Rome was not built in a day……..

It was built over time….

brick by brick



Be Parent Scorp…not an angry tool.