So I went for a power walk with a close friend. She said I could work on being more vulnerable. Bingo! She's right. I'm not sure how to do that....so I will keep working towards allowing myself to be vulnerable.
D9 is having a difficult time. She has much built up anger and rage and does well with therapy. I went for a walk with S11 last night (and my beloved doggie) and S11 told me that he was telling the therapist that he was sad his dad moved out and glad that he didn't have to see him much. I told him that I was sad that his dad moved out too and that it's okay to feel whatever way he does. He said he never thought we wouldn't be together as we always got along. I told him sometimes things happen and there really isn't a great explanation. My 2 older kids really struggle with h's lack of attention to them and not "being there" other than in the physical sense the few hours a week he sees them. As a result, I have the kids around many positive male influences as I want them to know how many people love and care about them.
H did not deposit his portion of support at the beginning of the month because "he has to pay his bills first (he's never done this before)to see if he can afford this." For some reason a friend decided to text me (she follows him) h took the day off to spend the day playing video games with his gf as this is her "last ever summer break." While I sigh at some of this, I don't react the way I used to. Sometimes no response is the best response.
I have realized some more things these last few weeks and my IC brought a couple of things to my attention. I was always "pulling h" because he was depressed. I am generally an optimist and a happy person. H's nickname for himself has negative in the title. He used to always say that people were so much nicer to me than him and that things that happened to me would never happen to him. Depression is an illness and was not his fault, however, I would get exhausted trying to keep my house, 3 kids, h, and job running as smoothly as possible. I was probably cranky and not feeling like sharing the intimacy a couple needs. I just wanted some help. However, I understand that he felt neglected. He was neglected in the intimacy department.
This sounds bad (and I'm being honest) but h felt like having a 4th child sometimes. I always tried not to treat him that way. However, I always took the kids so he could nap, sleep late, and play video games. Mmmmm. I thought I was doing the right thing when I was probably enabling the behavior.
He continues to do odd things. I don't react or say anything. When he brought the boys back sunday afternoon, the youngest s had pooped in a pullup earlier in the day. H dumped out a backpack of toys (he didn't want them in his car) and put a plastic bag on the couch. He said, "Oh s pooped earlier in his pullup so I brought it back." Then he scurried out the door. On a funny note, D9 asked, "On what planet do you send someone's doo-doo home with them?"
What a week! Breakfast for moms at the kids' school tomorrow. I'm a sports freak so I am excited about the draft tomorrow night and the weekend at the lake. Hope everyone is having a great week:)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
