hug your demons

[needgrace]

hi all,
pia melody says to hug your demons or they will bit you in the a**

i think i have more hugging to do lol

i have been dating someone off and on for the last 9 months. it is off right now (her choice) and the old familiar feelings from BD are bearing down on me big time.

also last month my doc discovered ovarian cysts.. i have surgery scheduled on may 30th.. the ultrasound results seemed to suggest that they are not cancerous but my CA-125 blood test (for ovarian cancer) came back elevated.. so it is a wait and see..

i am struggling a bit right now to not get depressed. i think my biggest fear after BD was that i would face a health challenge on my own. tbh, my friends and my family (they all live on the east coast however and i am on the west) have been amazingly supportive... but not having a partner right now is a real challenge for me.. i wish i were stronger.. i am trying. i go to yoga and went on an amazing yoga retreat last month but it is tough day to day to get motivated to see people..

i know there are triggers from the past coming up... when i was in my 20's i went through a tough year taking care of both parents as they passed away from cancer... i isolated a lot then... that is my tendency.. i want to do things differently and use these posts as a place to keep myself accountable.. and to grow...

concerning my XW.. she told me a few weeks ago that her father had stage 4 cancer and wanted to send his love to me..i offered my support and prayers... i talked to my IC and decided to tell my XW about my own health concern.. she offered her support and prayers... what i realized a few days later is that i no longer felt angry with her, that if she had done the same last year, i would have felt angry and resentful at her offer of support... i no longer do.. that made me feel good

that is all folks