I was here a while ago. He filed last October. We attended Retrouvaille, but I don't think he was ready. He told them he knew everything they were telling us, and that I was the one who didn't see what I was doing. We reconciled, and he called off the divorce.
He refused to go to the post sessions. I needed them/wanted them in order to express myself better, but you cannot go alone. We slipped back into old ways. His selfishness brought out anger I had not seen in a long long time.
He filed again last Tuesday after promising me we wouldn't go through attorneys. Well, he did. I don't even know if the shock has worn off. The last month has been rough, but hell...the last ten months for me taking care of an infant have been rough. He loves her and plays with her, and does great with her...but doesn't want to do the mundane. I clean the house, bathe and put the baby to bed. Work two jobs (one part time reservist, another full time job with an hour commute each way.)
He has some issues he needs to work through. He is a junkie who cannot see that what he is doing isn't going to work...in this relationship or another.
I'm honestly so hurt, I'm not even sure I want to continue the marriage. I have a friend who is a family law guy representing me for free. H has no money, nowhere to go to move. His attorney put a restraining order on the removal or sale of any marital property, so he cannot even move out to go anywhere. The house is a big area of contention. I cannot afford to stay here, but he wants me to just give it to him - not happening.
We just hired the neighbor to watch the baby full time because she was doing so poorly and getting sick constantly in daycare.
He keeps telling me he knew I wanted this too (I don't...I desperately just wanted a happy marriage) and that he knew it was the best thing. That said, he admits he didn't think anything else through, he just "knew" he needed to file.
I should be served papers today at 5 per the process server. He will be at the house as well. I have friends coming over tonight to hang out and make dinner for me. He will be there. I told everyone they have to be on their best behavior, but I need the company.
I go back and forth between hurt, anger and just wanting to hug him and hold him. My friends and family are, of course, furious and telling me all the normal things..."you are better off without him. You deserve better, etc" but that doesn't make it easier. I KNOW I deserve better than to be verbally abused when things don't go his way. I know I deserve not to get the silent treatment when things don't go his way. I know I don't deserve to have sex withheld as punishment. I know all these things, and yet it still hurts to the depths of my soul. It hurts even worse when he lashes out and tells me it's worth only seeing his daughter every other weekend to not be married to me any longer.
<sigh.> It would be easier if he weren't in the house. Seeing him every day makes me want to cry - something I haven't done yet. I keep telling myself I cannot cry. I need to stay strong for my baby girl.
I'm not pursuing. I need to stop calling him for things, but it mainly deals with care for the baby. I guess I can consolidate, not talk to him all day and just tell him at the house.
Time to get back to 180's, controlling anger and emotions and counseling for myself. He's told me he doesn't want me going out to meet new people (read: guys) and that's entirely unfair. Right now, I don't even have the energy to do it.
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
Had drill all weekend, but have a lot to journal. I will address your questions first.
You are right. I have been pursing. I'm scared of taking care of my kidlet alone, and knowing he will answer the phone has calmed me down more often than not.
Since he came back - nothing really. He has stayed the same. For me - I started doing my own things, but he would get irritable and controlling again if I did too much without him. It's a huge insecurity issue.
I tried GALing. I did to some extent - joined a gym - but he would still get ticked if I mentioned meetup.com groups for cycling or running - he says they are singles groups. He still would choose his friends over me. It wasn't healthy. I started feeling like I was an unwanted obligation. I was just desperate for help with the baby, and he would defer her care to me, saying I was better at it. True story, but he also didn't help around the rest of the house. My love tank was on E at this point.
Anyhow, I finally got to the point that I had enough of him caring only about himself. I started becoming angry. Any time he would be selfish, I could no longer control my anger. Then I was just angry that he didn't LISTEN to me when I told him WHY. He just told me I was being too emotional. My anger escalated and I was just not nice to him for 6 weeks straight. He would say something to barely set me off, and I'd say something snarky or rip him a new one. It never escalated to violence on my end, but did on his.
He showed up late with our daughter. She eats at 3PM at daycare, and then at 5PM she gets home and wants to EAT EAT EAT again. He shows up with her at 6PM, she hasn't eaten since three, she's screaming and upset. I was furious. I took his phone, told him work wasn't more important than his daughter, and proceeded to make her dinner. I gave her a snack, and when I turned around to the sink, he grabbed me, put me in a headlock and tried to take his phone back. I panicked and started trying to get away. He threw me on the ground and laid on top of me still trying to get his phone. It took me screaming at him to get off and to stop to get him to stop, but it wasn't instantly. I called the police to file a report. He ran off. I didn't press charges, although now I'm wondering if that would have pushed him to seek help (being at "rock bottom" in a jail cell.)
That said, I'm not sure it would as he still refuses to admit he has a problem. Right now, he's doing "I hate you don't leave me." He keeps asking if I really wanted to stay married to him, but then says that I "deserve" this. He has moved out at my urging today. I felt it was best he did so we could cool off. I'm still extremely hurt and angry at what he did after he PROMISED me we would talk if things got bad again. He SWORE he would never again go to an attorney.
I've NOT been doing well. The fear of adjusting to single motherhood has me scared senseless. I have no friends around. He's trying to tell me I cannot date or see anyone until the divorce is final. Today, he is firing his attorney (supposedly) as he doesn't want to pay her more money in the divorce. He is also SUPPOSEDLY canceling the temporary orders hearing, and wants to just "work it out between us." I'm not sure what to think. My attorney is a good dear friend of mine, who is representing me pro bono. He told me we will wait and see what happens, but thinks that divorce is a good option based on the situation. Until my H realizes he has a problem, he can't fix it. I just wish he could lose the pride, admit he has a problem and get help. Unfortunately, I know how hard that can be for some, and it's on him to realize the situation.
I've also been doing a horrible job at 180's and GALing. All my friends live about 45 minutes to an hour away. He was a pretty controlling person, so I didn't make many here. While in some ways, the man making decisions is great - being told who you can and cannot hang out with is not fun, and no way to live.
I really REALLY do not LIKE him right now. I love him, and would still do anything for him, but right now - I cannot think of any reason why I LIKE him. I had given him the option of separating for everyone to cool their heels, me to attend some more counseling sessions without him questioning me the second I got back, and just trying to discover some things about ourselves that we lost in the arguing. He chose to file instead.
I'm sure there are some holes I am missing. That said, I'm an open book for any questions. My mind has been in a fog since he filed.
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
I wanted to post something I read on another website. I'm taking this advice and running with it. Today, my "non zero" day includes taking the dog and baby out for a run which is rule 1 and 4 in the essay below. The dog is going to learn to run, as she is his dog and will be living with me full time now. She has lost a lot of attention since the baby got here, and has since turned to digging when let out back. So now, I'm going to try to wear her out so that 1.) she stops digging and 2.) so she sleeps versus roaming at night. It also gets me back into running again since I've been on a hiatus for 4 weeks.
"Non-zero days"
"Ouch. Sounds like you're having a tough time max. That [censored]. I've been there, so I kinda know what you're talking about. I've been in the ever circling vortex of self doubt, frustration, and loathing. It's no bueno. I know. If you don't mind lemme tell you a couple things. You can read em if you want, read em again later if you feel like it. But honestly man, if I spend all this time typing this out to you and you don't let it be a little tinder for your fire, well, you're just letting us both down. And you don't HAVE to do that. You don't HAVE to do anything. But you get to choose.
(Who am I? My name’s Ryan and I live in Canada. Just moved to a new city for a dream job that I got because of the rules below. I owe a lot of my success to people much cooler, kinder, more loving and greater than me. When I get the chance to maybe let a little bit of help out, it’s a way of thanking them. )
Rule numero uno - There are no more zero days. What's a zero day? A zero day is when you don't do a single [edited] thing towards whatever dream or goal or want or whatever that you got going on. No more zeros. I'm not saying you gotta bust an essay out everyday, that's not the point. The point I'm trying to make is that you have to make yourself, promise yourself, that the new SYSTEM you live in is a NON-ZERO system.
Didnt' do anything all [edited] day and it's 11:58 PM? Write one sentence. One pushup. Read one page of that chapter. One. Because one is non zero. You feel me? When you're in the super vortex of being bummed your pattern of behaviour is keeping the vortex goin, that's what you're used to. Turning into productivity ultimate master of the universe doesn't happen from the vortex. It happens from a massive string of CONSISTENT NON ZEROS. That's rule number one. Do not forget.
La deuxieme regle - yeah i learnt french. its a canadian thing. please excuse the lack of accent graves, but lemme get into rule number 2. BE GRATEFUL TO THE 3 YOU'S. Uh what? 3 me's? That sounds like mumbo jumbo [BS.] News flash, there are three you's homeslice. There's the past you, the present you, and the future you. If you wanna love someone and have someone love you back, you gotta learn to love yourself, and the 3 you's are the key. Be GRATEFUL to the past you for the positive things you've done. And do favours for the future you like you would for your best bro. Feeling like [crap] today? Stop a second, think of a good decision you made yesterday. Salad and tuna instead of Big Mac? THANK YOU YOUNGER ME. Was yesterday a nonzero day because you wrote 200 words (hey, that's all you could muster)? THANK YOU YOUNGER ME. Saved up some coin over time to buy that sweet thing you wanted? THANK YOU.
Second part of the 3 me's is you gotta do your future self a favour, just like you would for your best [edited] friend (no best friend? you do now. You got 2. It's future and past you). Tired as [heck] and can't get off reddit/videogames/interwebs? [forget] you present self, this one's for future me, i'm gonna rock out p90x Ab Ripper X for 17 minutes. I'm doing this one for future me. Alarm clock goes off and bed is too comfy? [forget] you present self, this one's for my best friend, the future me.
I'm up and going for a 5 km run (or 25 meter run, it's gotta be non zero). MAKE SURE YOU THANK YOUR OLD SELF for rocking out at the end of every.single.thing. that makes your life better. The cycle of doing something for someone else (future you) and thanking someone for the good in your life (past you) is key to building gratitude and productivity. Do not doubt me. Over time you should spread the gratitude to others who help you on your path.
Rule number 3- don't worry i'm gonna too long didnt' read this bad boy at the bottom (get a pencil and piece of paper to write it down. seriously. you physically need to scratch marks on paper) FORGIVE YOURSELF. I mean it. Maybe you got all the know-how, money, ability, strength and talent to do whatever is you wanna do. But lets say you still didn't do it. Now you're giving yourself [stuff] for not doing what you need to, to be who you want to. Heads up champion, being dissapointed in yourself causes you to be less productive. Tried your best to have a nonzero day yesterday and it failed? so what. I forgive you previous self. I forgive you. But today? Today is a nonzero masterpiece to the best of my ability for future self. This one's for you future homes. Forgiveness man, use it. I forgive you. Say it out loud.
Last rule. Rule number 4, is the easiest and its three words. exercise and books. that's it. Pretty standard advice but when you exercise daily you actually get smarter. when you exercise you get high from endorphins (thanks body). when you exercise you clear your mind. when you exercise you are doing your future self a huge favour. Exercise is a leg on a three legged stool. Feel me? As for books, almost every [censored] thing we've all ever thought of, or felt, or gone through, or wanted, or wanted to know how to do, or whatever, has been figured out by someone else.
Get some books max. Post to reddit about not caring about yourself? Good first step! (nonzero day, thanks younger me for typing it out) You know what else you could do? Read 7 habits of highly successful people. Read "emotional intelligence". Read "From good to great". Read “thinking fast and slow”. Read books that will help you understand. Read the bodyweight fitness reddit and incorporate it into your workouts. (how's them pullups coming?) Reading is the [friggin] warp whistle from Super Mario 3. It gets you to the next level that much faster.
That’s about it man. There’s so much more when it comes to how to turn nonzero days into hugely nonzero days, but that’s not your mission right now. Your mission is nonzero and forgiveness and favours. You got 36 essays due in 24 minutes and its impossible to pull off? Your past self let you down big time, but hey… I forgive you. Do as much as you can in those 24 minutes and then move on.
I hope I helped a little bit max. I could write about this forever, but I promised myself I would go do a 15 minute run while listening to A. Skillz Beats Working Vol. 3. Gotta jet. One last piece of advice though. Regardless of whether or not reading this for the first time helps make your day better, if you wake up tomorrow, and you can’t remember the 4 rules I just laid out, please, please. Read this again.
Have an awesome [friggin] day ☺
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
I'm not pursuing. I need to stop calling him for things, but it mainly deals with care for the baby.
Sorry but if you are calling that is pursuing.
What has changed since he came back?
I went back and re-read some of my previous complaints. Trust is still a factor. He has still found ways to lie about the STUPIDEST things. The whole lying to me about getting an attorney deal...my trust is shattered. Absolutely shattered.
The other issue is - his friends are still his "buddies" and no amount of telling him they are toxic is going to help. I don't, but I also realize he will have to choose for himself. Right now, he is choosing not to see that while he has known them for years, they do nothing for him nor his relationships. And I'm not talking about just me relationship wise. ALL of his relationships have been 3 months or less, until it came to me. I'm still codependent, hence the reason I probably stuck around.
Speaking of that, still codependent, but not NEARLY as much. As far as nagging - It seems he would go out of his way to try and push my buttons...and believe me - he knows which ones to push. I started letting go of the times he would "forget" something, or just not do it until he got good and ready.
It was just the times he made me feel like I was unimportant and that he'd rather hang out with his friends all the time than EVER do anything with me that set me off.
I have not been a nice person the past two months. I admit it. I'm back in counseling to control my anger after all of this. Every Tuesday afternoon, out of pocket plus a sitter
I think going to a friends place out of town this weekend for mother's day will be a good change of scenery. The kiddo will have a pool to swim in, I will have peace and quiet, and I may even have someone to watch the kidlet Friday or Saturday night so I can go out.
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
It got ugly last night. He keeps telling me we can "hash this out without involving Ls because its cheaper." So we came to an agreement of sorts. Temp orders hearing is tomorrow. Right now, I am asking for no overnights since my kiddo is still breastfeeding and because he's clueless as a dad. With some more focus and experi3nce, plus the ability of my kiddo to talk, I would be more at ease. Its things like wanting to take her swimming the day after being diagnosed with an ear infection, giving her tylenol for constipation, feeding her animal crqfkers as a meal when I forgot to write down what to feed her for lunch etc.
The issue is - his attorney tells him overnights are not an issue and hes "definitely" going to get them. <sigh.>
He called me after meeting with her and said they were going for overnights and hes keeping his L. This after telling me the complete opposite hours earlier. He also said he may or may jot give me money for support this Friday even if the judge orders it. I told him we had nothing to discuss then and hung up. I took qn advance off the joint cc and maxed it out so I had money to pay the sitter, utilities etc. He called me about an hour later raging that I had stolen "his" money off of "his credit card."
I think this is going to get ugly. Im not sure I am willing to fight after yesterday. I am emotionally worn down. Tomorrow after the hearing may be worse.
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
At the nth hour yesterday, he canceled the hearing and fired his L. I don't have proof of him firing her, but she called my attorney back and said the hearing was canceled. I made the mistake of questioning whether or not he really fired her because he has lied about it before. I dropped it quick, but it still came out. I don't trust him right now, and for good reason. My Life is going to draw up what is called rule 11 paperwork saying there will be no more court hearings until I hear about a military school I want to go to. The deal there is - I could lose my spot if they know I am going as a single mom. It is at my unit level that they would make the call as the school is extremely expensive, and if something came up with her and I washed out or had to leave - they lose the spot but still have to pay for it. I should know by August. I figure that gives me some time to DB and for us both to cool off.
So there's that. He is currently at a big conference for his type of employment that comes around every year. He is flying to another state to make a deal today, and then back in the morning. Tomorrow evening, I have an obligation so he is coming over to watch the kid let since I will be gone until 12AM. I am assuming he is staying here, but I do not know. I guess it doesn't matter if I let him stay here, but it makes it harder to 180 when he's around and I just want to beat him and ask him WTF he was thinking!
Had a friend over last night and she and I had a good talk and it was good company so that's a plus. She's moving further away soon so I am hanging out with her as much as possible until then. This weekend, the kidlet and I are going swimming and to the zoo. Other than that - my first mothers day as a mom I will be in the middle of divorce proceedings. It doesn't sit well with me at all and again - this entire situation is taking a huge emotional toll on me.
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
I totally just recalled a conversation H and I had about a month ago. I cannot remember what we were talking about nor what prompted it, but I remember him saying "I want you to be proud of me and tell me you are."
Of course I jacked up my answer by saying "I am proud of you. You're great at what you do. Im just jot good at telling you that."
I should have said "I am sorry I've made you feel as though I am not proud of you. I really am, and I will try harder to show it." Or similar.
The next chance I get to tell him that, I am going to take it. He told me he is flying to another state on the company owners private jet today to try and close a deal. I am in aviation, so I know he will tell me about the plane ride. Maybe that will be my chance to bring it up.
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
Yesterday, I implemented a lot of NC. I called H once to confirm the times he was watching the kidlet today, and her schedule for the evening.
I did get a chance to send him a note about how great a salesman he was. I wished him luck at his meeting, then said I doubt he needed it as sales was his forte.
He thanks me for the compliment. He had sent a text asking me about something. I went ahead and let it ride. About an hour later, he sends me another one asking me if he was supposed to do something, but using exclamation points. I was in the shower, and replied that I did get his first text, but I was busy and was just then able to reply.
He then goes on to tell me about his day via text, and confirms the time he was going to be at "my" house. I'm not going to lie. Him calling it "my" house instead of "home" or "the" house hit me pretty bad. I just left it at "ok, I've gotta get to bed. Long day tomorrow. Have a great night."
I know he has his own place now, but not sure where he is going to get the money to furnish it. I read somewhere that 25yearsMLC said that there needed to be a smooth path paved back to the house. I'm going to make it as smooth as possible.
I have time on my side because he fired his L. I'm going to let the dust settle. We will have to file an answer to his petition, but after that, I told my friend/attorney to sit on his hands and not send anything to H (or, until it's updated online, opposing council.)
He's watching the kiddo tonight so I can go fly for my other job (won't get home until 12AM) and then the sitter is on vacation tomorrow and Monday, so he will watch her then as well. This weekend, she and I are going to friend/lawyers swanky place since he it out of town and hanging out at the pool, going for walks around the lake near his condo and seeing some friends.
The thing that I find amusing/funny, but also somewhat unfair and irritating; is that H will accept the calendar invites to watch the kidlet when he knows I have reservist duties, but will not accept the invites I sent on days I want to go out to see friends, or to a divorce support group (I'm going as it's for those separated as well as divorced) etc.
Either way, I can get someone else to watch the kiddo if need be. I just feel like offering him the opportunity to watch her first is the best way to go about it.
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
I had some time to go back and read over my old posts. When things were bad, one of my goals was to find positives in the situation. Being a pessimist, this isnt easy for me but I will start again.
Positives:
1.) I have a beautiful, healthy baby girl. 2.) My jobs are going well. I have fun doing the reservist stuff. 3.) He has fired his L and called off the temp orders hearing. He is not pushing for this to go through immediately. I can sit on my hands and see where things go.
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
