Biggus Dickus: Part 2

[LoisB]

One other thing. I'm noticing how I've lived my entire life with this fear/depression/grief...whatever you wanna call it. It has been a cloud hanging over my head. A big, nasty, smelly cloud.

And, starting in childhood. In high school, I was in therapy to deal with the cloud because the depression had overtaken me. For a long time, I called it my Albatross. I wouldn't know when the depression would hit or how hard, I would be capsized. I really lived in fear that it would hit me like a sudden storm.

Starting in high school, I began working on "it." Therapist after therapist...dietary changes...self-help books...more therapy...12 programs (I attended at least three different ones over the years)
...exercise...affirmations...cognitive therapy...rational emotive therapy...hypnosis...medications...Whatever, "it" was, I haven't been able to shake it.

By the time Smokey left, I had resigned myself that I would always have "it" with me in one way or another. The medication kept me from going too low and I knew enough to keep my head above water. The meds kept it under the surface. I had accepted the status quo. I could parent the girls and that was enough for me. Still, I couldn't seem to parent the girls AND earn and Take care of the house AND... I had contained the monster, but hadn't faced it.

Funny, here I had told myself that it was I who was pushing Smokey to get better. Maybe, Smokey, in his own quagmire, has forced me to get better??

I HAVE to face this albatross in order to survive. It's clear that I won't if I don't pick it apart and see what's under the blanket.

For today, I'm simply going to pay attention to the feelings that come up. I'm going to accept them and see where they lead me. I'm not going to analyze. I'm going to accept myself too. I'm going to allow myself to feel it and not judge myself. I've really worked hard over the years to deal with whatever "it" is. I am, honestly, a bit stunned when I think about how long I've carried this stuff around. I'm also understanding on a different level, why I have felt so discouraged.

These patterns are so inherent in my body. I've TRIED EVERYTHING to rid myself of them. And, I'm to the point now, where I can see how hard I've worked to eliminate them from my life. I've Tried. I've tried so hard.

I'm going to see if facing one feeling leads me to another, like the peeling of an onion. It feels overwhelming, but I can do this.