Aren't dogs great for that? I have one that cuddles with me in bed at night and it has truly been a comfort. Good for you on GAL!! That's fantastic. It is a little disheartening to hear how long this goes on, it really drags doesn't it. You're so much further than me, even though I know each crisis is different yet they are all so much the same too. I sometimes think I won't be able to stand. Lately i've been feeling like it's truly over but I will leave the door ajar to whatever God has planned for me. Yes he has to finish what he started and we're just left to deal with it. Either way, it'll work out and we'll keep on living. I think that garden sounds like a great idea!!
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
I was checking out something to do with my X, and discovered quite by accident that his uncle had passed away. Silly, but having known the gentleman for 20 years I had thought someone would have let me know, if not X then a member of his family.
I feel like part of my life has been erased, that the times I spent with X and his family don't count for anything. However I also realise now just how dysfunctional his family is, I just thought he was different.
I wont let this affect my current wellbeing but I felt that little "stab" in the heart when I first read it.
However I also realise now just how dysfunctional his family is, I just thought he was different.
Bingo, it is like you were describing my H’s family. When we were still M’d, we went to his niece’s HS graduation. After the ceremony H had to take his other brother to the airport and I stayed with the rest of the family. They were taking pictures outside and I was not invited. H later apologized for their behavior and seemed to be really sorry and sympathetic for me. The weird part is that this part of his family (his oldest brother) is now sending me the holiday and birthday card, addressed specifically to me. I actually didn’t expect then to maintain any contact with me, but I guess I was wrong. It is probably the wife’s (BIL’s wife) idea more than anything. On the other hand, H’s sister completely erased me from her life. And she was the one who always expressed her “love” for me. I guess it was fake anyway.
I know that both H’s nieces are getting married this year in August and September. I’m not expecting to be invited, not I that I want to anyway.
I also thought that H was different. And he still might be if when he comes out of his crisis.
I’m guessing that your X’s family didn’t want you to know, because being a dysfunctional family they would not know how to handle it with you.
I’m glad your are making progress in GAL
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
its been some time since I have dropped in. I felt I was moving on and should try and put all of this behind me. but why isn't it that easy?
It is approaching a year since my ex moved out of the house altogether, and five months now since I moved away. House stuff has reared its head again this week and we have had a flurry of texts, and an odd misdialled call - I could hear him talking but he had no idea he had called my number!!
I just looked at his facebook/twitter and see he has posted a couple of pics of him and his wifey (as he calls her) and how wonderful she is. It hurts ( I know, I shouldn't have looked). He seems to be more public about her, and I also noticed he has comments from a couple of old friends he hadn't been in contact with for some time. That hurt too. Having said that, he appears to be on facebook quite a bit again, having not used it for some time.
In some ways it feels like years have passed and he is a stranger, at other times I still feel like he should walk through the door (although he has never lived here). Some days I think it was for the best, others I miss what he was like crazy.
It is about 22 months since BD. Why can I not move on completely. Despite being quite content with my current situation (if you disregard the finances) I cannot make a complete disconnect. Perhaps because of a possible house sale, severing any need for him to contact me anymore, or because, despite of everything I still have feelings for him. How do I do this?
I guess the other thing that I hate to admit is, what has she got that I haven't - apart from him? something that made him walk away from 20 good years together. Does he hate me? Why?
These feelings are like an volcano -they lay inactive for indeterminate lengths of time and then erupt, when no one knows but they can appear devastating!
Lots of question, Ab. But it seems to me that your timeframe and expectations are not in sync. i.e. it hasn't been very long since the end of a 20 year relationship and you seem surprised to still have feelings when things come up that involve him.
"Does he hate me? Why?" Who really knows, Ab? He may not even know if he hates you and if so, why. But it's more likely he hates himself and anyone around him. That seems more common. Along with taking it out on you while maintaining a facade of happiness.
We can only hope that one day it is no longer a facade for them and that we won't care either way. It takes a lot longer than a few years to get there though. At least in my experience.
It's likely you feel these feelings surface when you have to deal with him or something about him. Seems normal to me, if that helps.
Peace, AJ
P.S. She has nothing on you. In fact, if she fits the pattern, you will likely find (much later) that she is more broken than he is and he picked her for some other reason. Again, I doubt it has anything to do with you Ab. Hard as that is to hear.
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJ, thanks so much for dropping by and giving me some perspective on the situation.
I think some of the timescale issues comes from the few friends that know about the sit. the general concensus is forget him and get on with your life, which is fine, but they haven't any idea of the emotional impact behind it all.
I spent a year visiting a councillor, who was very understanding of the sit, and he was more that aware of all the questions I had ( I need to know the ins and outs of everything) but as he pointed out, I could ask my X as many questions as I liked but was unlikely to get an answer. Not because he wouldn't tell me (although a possibility) but more likely he didn't know the answers either! I found him useful in another way too, I could get all my frustrations and anger out in the open, then walk away knowing they wouldn't come back and bite me in the bum, but also I could then deal with my X in a much calmer manner. Too far away to visit him now, but his advice does linger...
My hurt and anger this time round was a lot of my own doing - looking at his facebook page - it wasn't seeing pics of them together, it was some of the comments. From people who have only known him a couple of year max, or only via facebook, who said how much better he is now his is with wifey dah de dah de dah. Ugh. They have NO idea who he really is, or who I am for that matter. Or of the long kind and loving relationship we had.
And some may say this is very stupid, but my other "upset" is regarding our dog. Getting old her insurance coverage is becoming too expensive for me to pay currently, but she has increasingly large vet bills too (She weighs 160lbs). He absolutely ADORED her, but ignores my requests for help, and never asks about her. Complete switch off!!
I know that these things are minor compared to some of the shenanigans the MLC'er gets up to, and I guess it should make me realise he is by no means "normal" at the moment. But some times they can make a very good pretence!
Sitting back for awhile and getting these things out of my system does help, I can then get back on with my life. But sometimes it just becomes overwhelming!
I am on the brink of doing something extremely stupid, but feel that I have to make my point.
The house sale is due to become final, possibly by the end of this week. However today a neighbour called to inform me that some one has started doing work to the house. I know NOTHING of this, and two texts to my X have gone unanswered.
Right now I am planning on calling him and demanding an explanation. Calling the estate agents and telling them that if work doesn't stop I will call the police (well a police friend, but the needn't know that) and threating all concerned with pulling out of the sale.
Cutting off my nose to spite my face? Maybe, but I am at the end of my patience with all of the "goings on" and decisions being made without my consultation. I want to make my point loud and clear...
Maybe it's already final? Or maybe there are repairs that needed to be completed before the sale could go through? Why don't you calm down and find out what's going on first?
I agree w/kml. It could be that the prospective new owners have some repairs that need to be made before the sale is final or w/the stipulation that in a certain amount of days of final sale the repairs will be made.
This is done quite often when someone is ready to purchase a home, but repairs have been pointed out and the STB former owners agree to do the repairs in order for the sale to go thru for a said price.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Then surely I would have been informed. I do own half the property. If it was final I should have money in my account.
I am trying very hard to be logical about this, but it is hard.
This situation is reminding me very much of toothache...
You try to avoid touching the affected area, when you do you get a sharp pain, followed by a dull, throbbing ache. Eventually you have to get rid of it. More pain, physical and financial which eventually heals. Leaving you with a hole as a reminder!
I will sleep on this and try and get some answers tomorrow. I am not just angry with X, but with the estate agents also. It seems I have more anger deep within me that I could have ever imagined.
