Still trying to save my family - part 11

[melissag]

I feel like you need to go back a few pages and read 3boyzmom's post again, Scorp.

I completely disagree with the way you are handling this situation. How do you explain that either one of you making unilateral decisions about parenting time (who has the kids when) is best for THE CHILDREN??

I get it. You want to see your kids more. The kids want to see you more. It is best for kids to see both parents frequently. So you and your W need to figure this out - that means communicating with each other like adults. Not stealing kids, or demanding this or that, or making unilateral decisions.

I agree with the others that whether your W gets mad at you is utterly irrelevant - as long as you are doing what is right for your children. So, if you take your kids and don't tell her until you have them that you plan to keep them for longer, or if you inform your wife what you will be doing with your/her children, and it pisses her off (which let me tell you, it would piss me off to no end), and she decides to make it a war, or she decides you don't get to see them at all, or whatever it is - who suffers, Scorp? YOUR CHILDREN.

Conflict is BAD for kids. I don't care whose fault it is. Find a way to work with your W to figure this out, not fight it out. I understand that she started this whole thing by taking the kids four hours away. But she seems to have become much more reasonable lately - why not make the effort to see whether you two can agree on something?

I also urge you to speak with someone who is well versed in the effects of different custody arrangements on children. Neither you nor your W knows what you are doing, so you are at risk of totally screwing up the custody arrangement, even if you both truly are looking out for your kids and want the best for them (I learned this one recently - H and I got the smack down from the child psych about the schedule we had agreed to - it was apparently terrible for kids, though we never would have known on our own.) I would ask specifically about your two year old, and whether he will really be able to form a bond with either one of you if he is going a full week without one or the other.

About D6 and the counselor - don't get in the way just to assert your rights. Fine, you want to be involved in the C process - great. Call the C tomorrow, Scorp, and get the information you need to make it happen. Don't block your D6 from getting the help she needs just to make a point to your W. (Or yourself, for that matter.)

If I were you, I would focus on the kids, the kids, the kids. Tell your W you know she wants what is best for the kids, and so do you. Acknowledge that they have been with her much more over the past X months, and that it may be beneficial to the kids for them to phase into a 50/50 plan. Why don't you come up with a plan and present it to her? See how your D6 does in counseling, and use that information to help you and your W decide whether the plan you have now (or 4 weeks from now, or whatever) is working, and what you can each do to help your kids through this difficult time.

Stop with this "I need to force my way into spending 50/50 with them to prove to a court that I want to." What you need to prove, if you truly do want 50/50, is that you are looking out for your kids, and that every decision you make is with their best interests at heart.

Back up a little, Scorp. You need to do what is best for YOUR KIDS. And that is to provide consistency and stability, and shelter them from conflict. That might mean that you don't get to have 50/50 RIGHT NOW. But it's not about YOU and your rights or even what you deserve.

Just my late night two cents.