So, after taking a bit of a breather here-- focusing on GAL, and having a great few days-- I'm feeling so down right now.
Everyone I know has told me how impressed they are with how I am handling things, how they noticed that I've changed- I'm lighter, happier, calmer, more confident, etc. Even my H has complimented me and noticed the changes. I have not brought up our relationship in over 2 months. Everytime I see him, I am warm but detached, positive, etc. I have responded differently in several situations that I would have gotten upset or angry in the past.
The changes feel great.
And yet, at the same time, I still am so sad that despite all of this, he still wants to just throw away our family and life together. I have so much grief over all that I am losing: the chance to have another child (he told me a while ago that he couldn't "go through that" again (the damage to our relationship), which was part of what made me feel so disconnected from him.), losing his friends and family as important and regular parts of my life, losing time with my daughter, losing financial security and possibly my home, and of course, losing my partner who promised to love me through sickness and health, good times and bad.
The fact that he is still rejecting me, even though I'm becoming the spouse only a fool would walk away from, is heartbreaking. How could I have chosen a partner so poorly?
Just in a bad place tonight. Tomorrow will be better.
