Started a new thread. I think the old one is almost on lockdown. Previous thread
Been doing some thinking tonight. I keep feeling confused about something-- I know I'm supposed to give my WAH space-- no R talk, no pursuing. I don't ask him about his plans, I don't ask him much about his friends. I don't return texts or emails right away unless they are urgent about our D. I have made myself very scarce in his life.
But, then I also thought I was supposed to make the most out of every interaction we DO have, and experiment with little things to see if they have a positive effect. How do I do that without seeming like I'm pursuing? I've tried light things-- complimenting his parenting, noticing a new outfit, bringing up some current events I'm sure he is interested in. When I speak to him warmly and enthusiastically, and he barely responds, or responds as a polite acquaintance, I feel foolish. Like I am pursuing someone who has already rejected me-- how lame.
How do I know that my actions are not considered pursuing? How long is long enough to wait before we start experimenting. How do I detach and give him space while also trying to show him a vision of what our (happy) future could be like?
But, then I also thought I was supposed to make the most out of every interaction we DO have, and experiment with little things to see if they have a positive effect. How do I do that without seeming like I'm pursuing? I've tried light things-- complimenting his parenting, noticing a new outfit, bringing up some current events I'm sure he is interested in. When I speak to him warmly and enthusiastically, and he barely responds, or responds as a polite acquaintance, I feel foolish. Like I am pursuing someone who has already rejected me-- how lame.
How do I detach and give him space while also trying to show him a vision of what our (happy) future could be like?
Claire read your post back - ALL of the focus on on HIM, how you compliment HIM, how you interact with HIM, how HE has a new outfit... think about it?
The most affective way to show him what his future with you could be like is by showing him the best YOU, remove all focus from him and focus on yourself and being the person that you want to be regardless of your H's reactions to that. Its so hard but you have to stop looking over your shoulder to see what your H is doing and do it because you WANT to be a better and more attractive person.
Does that make sense? You doing amazing
Divorce Final: Oct 2014
Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
So, after taking a bit of a breather here-- focusing on GAL, and having a great few days-- I'm feeling so down right now.
Everyone I know has told me how impressed they are with how I am handling things, how they noticed that I've changed- I'm lighter, happier, calmer, more confident, etc. Even my H has complimented me and noticed the changes. I have not brought up our relationship in over 2 months. Everytime I see him, I am warm but detached, positive, etc. I have responded differently in several situations that I would have gotten upset or angry in the past.
The changes feel great.
And yet, at the same time, I still am so sad that despite all of this, he still wants to just throw away our family and life together. I have so much grief over all that I am losing: the chance to have another child (he told me a while ago that he couldn't "go through that" again (the damage to our relationship), which was part of what made me feel so disconnected from him.), losing his friends and family as important and regular parts of my life, losing time with my daughter, losing financial security and possibly my home, and of course, losing my partner who promised to love me through sickness and health, good times and bad.
The fact that he is still rejecting me, even though I'm becoming the spouse only a fool would walk away from, is heartbreaking. How could I have chosen a partner so poorly?
Just in a bad place tonight. Tomorrow will be better.
Claire I have no words as I am in the same situation. I feel the exact same way that you do and it is heartbreaking. However at the end of the day no matter what happens you will be able to look at yourself and say you gave it your all. It [censored] and it's not fair but I believe in karma and everything happens for a reason. If this in fact doesn't work out for you (which I hope it does) do not let him take away the positive changes you've made for yourself. I wish you the best
Heh Claire. I'm in the same boat. After making a few mistakes at the start by being angry, pursuing etc I've been positive everytime we talk, looking and dressing better than ever, went on a holiday with a friend, got a nice tan. Thankfully my WAW and I are getting along great now but it seems it will take time if I'm to make a breakthrough. Hopefully she'll see the changes and realise that not only am I still a "great husband and dad" but also someone she has fallen in love with again and is attracted to. One positive if anything is that I feel good about my changes for ME. I think time will prove the same with you! Hang in there!!!!
M 35 W 31 D 10 Married 3 years Together 11 Single since Nov 13 Moved out Dec 13 ILYBNILWY, 'I don't want to be a boring housewife, 'I don't fancy you any more' OM confirmed Jun 14
I have responded differently in several situations that I would have gotten upset or angry in the past.
The changes feel great.
Excellent, this is great progress - DB is to save YOU first & foremost, keep up the GAL and mirror work.
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And yet, at the same time, I still am so sad that despite all of this, he still wants to just throw away our family and life together. I have so much grief over all that I am losing
The grief is perfectly normal and believe it or not its a GOOD thing because it shows that you are healing & slowly beginning to accept your new reality - I know how painful it is but try to allow these emotions, accept them as part of this process and remember that they are moving you forwards. Once you begin to accept your new situation, the future will become less daunting & the grief will lessen.
Be kind to yourself, you will cycle up and down for a long time & that feeling of sadness will probably remain but you'll also begin to feel more in control of your emotions and feel a little more positive about the future.
You really need to take this time as a gift, use it wisely and focus on making yourself strong - get yourself to a place where you are happy on your own & your confident that you'll be happy despite where your H is at. Let him go on his own journey whilst you walk your path, you probably cant see it now but one day you'll be thankful for this experience and all that it can give to you if you allow it.
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The fact that he is still rejecting me, even though I'm becoming the spouse only a fool would walk away from, is heartbreaking. How could I have chosen a partner so poorly?
The man he is right now is a lost, scared, confused & broken man - that's not the man you married. He is rejecting his life and everything in it, it isn't aimed at you, you just happen to be a part of that.
The more you detach the more you'll see that his actions are absolutely not a reflection on you, they're a reflection on him and his own unhappiness. The ONLY way he will realise that it isn't you or his M making him unhappy is by being able to fully walk away and still feel that unhappiness, maybe then he'll realise that the answer lies within himself.
Divorce Final: Oct 2014
Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
Mine hasn't even noticed I've vanished, he's got ow, who was I suspect on the scene before the separation. Hence the Inly.
He never calls, never returns calls unless $ are concerned, had introduced ow to family, tends to judge my phone calls etc often as a strike... Even tho I'm making changes.
It's really the end of 3months of hell and the only thing keeping the depression at bay, is meds. Sadness can hit anytime. This is the only time in my life I have been unable to cope.
I have been on my own before plenty, so I know I will survive and know I can.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Would love some guidance on how to handle differences of opinion that arise during mediation. I keep struggling to find this balance between asserting myself and "keeping the way home paved and smooth/being someone only a fool would walk away from"
We just have some essential differences In our approach to a parenting plan (he wants it to be figured out as it comes up/total flexibility; I would like some default In place with the understanding that we will both be flexible when we can...which everyone has told me is pretty standard). The mediator is not really calling him out on that and is sort of taking a back seat. He says, we dont even need a mediator to figure out our vacation schedule-- we can just do it over email.
Maybe that is true, but there has been an imbalance of power in our dynamic in the past. I am stronger now but still worrying a bit about how these things will play out.
I'm probably worrying too much about how he is perceiving me. But aren't I also supposed to be showing him I've changed? Sometimes this is all so confusing!
I stayed really calm-- tried to validate his concern (he seemed worried that a default agreement would mean there was no flexibility. Um, no. It just means that if there is a conflict, there is a default in place.), and I told him I was sorry that some of these things had been issues for us in the past, and that if I had to do it differently, I would. I showed that I was ready to move forward without him. But i think his reaction wouldn't be to have second thoughts, it would be more like, "well fine, she's moved on, so will I". As if he hasn't communicated that to me.
I'm mind reading again. Sigh. I just kept second guessing my reactions and words during that meeting, so unsure of what to say or how.
When H first left I was very forthcoming about my role and responsibilty in our sitch. I apologized and took ownership. But now, months later, I have even more insights. (Something occurred to me during our mediation meeting, and other things I've realized since our S).
We haven't talked about our R since at least mid-Feb. When, if ever, might it be appropriate to bring up the new insights I've had about what went wrong (and what I would do differently?) Maybe y'all need more details to give me an answer, but I would love some thoughts. I am so tempted to reach out.
It's so bizarre-- he is in a rush to get the home appraised so we can deal with that, and figure out financials-- and he thinks we need a mediator for that... but the parenting plan we should be able to just figure out ad hoc over email? *blink* *blink blink*. Words of wisdom appreciated...
Not sure I have words of wisdom, but I can offer some empathy! My H tells me that he definitely wants a D two hours after we have a conversation about our D7 expressing concerns over the parenting schedule we have. Still, he says this should be easy and we shouldn't need attorneys because we already know exactly what we are doing for custody. Ummm, ok. I guess he wasn't listening.
