25, I get a lot of what you are saying - in some ways it is very much in synch with others and in some ways it offers a somewhat stark juxtaposition of ideas (kinda). With regard to contact in general, again - there really isn't any. She is bright and chipper during the exchanges and I am not......not that I am a jerk or mean to her - I just don't really offer much up. Which, to her, probably is read as me being a jerk. A lot of the feedback that I get is "who cares what she thinks of you?" -- and I actually get THAT too. At this point, to what extent does it really matter what she thinks of me? It could be argued that I went several miles beyond the last mile with her and been a pretty decent, thoughtful ex -- and, I have definitely made some important changes - and she either hasn't seen it or it landed with a massive, massive thud....oh, and an OM. So really, what has goodness brought about? Other than, of course, the knowledge that I took the high road and did what I felt was right at the time - which should be self-evident enough as "good" if only in my own eyes. The facts here, above, are what have pushed me to drop the rope, go dark....whatever you want to call it...but that is where I am. And then, you give me this to think about:
3) what you DO have control over is whether and how you speak to her or reach out. Doing it rudely or insufficiently, will be seen as NOT good.
So it's up to you to find that balance, knowing that sometimes "balance" means swinging from one extreme to the other, til we figure out where exactly that middle ground is. Life gets us there if we are not stubborn.
I think not responding to her texts about son, is not good. I think choosing to wait a bit, is fine. I think if she texts a nasty or thoughtless comment, you ought to post here before responding or ask her to re-phrase so you're clear as to her intent. (Let's concede that on occasion, we LBSers do misinterpret things).
Escalating is not good, but rolling over for her has not re-ignited her ardor for you"
So is going dark a particularly bad thing? I keep going back to my first DB lessons and the concept of "more of the same" keeps hitting me. And withdrawing (I know this) is exactly what she would expect of me in this situation and would see it as "more of the same". But then again, I ask (and am ASKED) what does her opinion of me matter at this point?
So far very little of her communication has been about S, with maybe the exception of the invite to his swimming lesson - so I have said nothing back.
With regard to your comments about son making comments about me....I do get this a lot: "Does he ever mention me? Because he talks about you ALL THE TIME." - And the answer is "no" -- he really doesn't talk too much about her.
To answer your question, our dynamic and chemistry developed and grew into something wonderful - IMO, of course. In the beginning of our dating relationship I was very, very slow to show a lot of signs of "yep, you're the one" - but over time, I knew....I just knew. I needed her, she needed me - and together we we complimented each other. Until the one day I was sitting in my office and it just hit me....I am going to ask her to marry me. I bought a ring a few days later, called her father for his blessing, and asked her...it felt right. I won't go in to the guts of it, but I think that a lot of the chemistry and affection got battered during the infertility process. When sex becomes a chore or something that is dictated by a fertility monitor, the romance, spontaneity and passion is killed. Multiply that by three years. It takes a toll. And part of me believes that somewhere in the bitter fog of that process I started losing her. It was not a fun time, and once the euphoria of the baby wore off (18 months), she was out. All good...all positive memories....gone.
A few weeks ago I deleted all of her pictures....all of our wedding pictures, all of the pictures of us together with the baby. All of the pictures for the time we spent dating....trips, parties, vacations....gone. And in that process I realized how many good times there were over the years - and with a few clicks of a mouse they were gone. I always struggle with exactly how all of those things were just deleted from her memory just as easily.
I guess that is a long way of me saying that yes, there were some great times - 25....great memories. We meant a lot to each other at one point and she always told me how grateful she was for me to be in her life....and how different I was from the OMs that had been in her life before me. She seemed sincere at the time, and I believed her.
