Still trying to save my family - part 11

[Drew]

After reading this, I am sure she will not agree to my keeping the kids for the coming week. She is dictating everything to say the least.

So .......

That means what?

You're going to change your course of action based on your assumptions of what she might do?

Sigh.

[Scorp7]

No, I'm still going to tell her my plans. I just expect her to blow a fuse, withhold the kids, etc.

[Drew]

DB 101: Have no expectations.

[Scorp7]

I guess since I feel the right thing to do is to tell her my plans up front then I might as well not worry about how she may or may not react.

Remember the old army helmet discussion we had before she was going to be served with D papers? I think I still will plan to put the helmet on after I send her the message.

[Scorp7]

Message sent to W. We'll see how it goes.

With the no expectations concept, is that to reduce the overall pain and stress that inevitably comes along with the expectations?

[Barrybran]

Scorp, whilst I agree with Drew and Eric I feel what 3BM was alluding to was what I was alluding to, that a week is too long right now . You can have empathy for your wife and the work she's put into the kids without being emotionally reliant on her. As I said earlier, if I were in your wife's shoes and you said you were taking the kids for a week I'd say no way. I've done all the hard work for seven months and now you want back in? That's the position your wife is working from.

Personally, I feel it's too late in the week to be dropping "oh, I'm going to have the kids for a week" on her. That's not "chit, what would wife think?", that's courtesy. By all means stand up for yourself and bring it up. Why not suggest it for next time though? It'll give you and your wife time to work out the details and as the guys have said, you've got your lawyer on speed dial.

[Scorp7]

Barry, my W is not generally with the kids for most of the week anyway. My kids see her for 2 or 3 hours in the evening and that's it. She is gone before they get up in the morning. She is usually off work on Friday's so she will see the kids for at least half that day which won't be much different than the norm.

I should have told her my plans sooner. Up until today I had been thinking of not telling her at all which would have been a bigger mistake.

In order to give the 50/50 plan the best hope of success I HAVE to start to live it immediately. I've already hurt that in a big way by waiting this long so I can't really wait any longer.

As far as wanting back in, I'd been telling my W I wanted back in since the day she left. I made the mistake of not acting on those words up until now. I've let my W have all the control in this situation so I'm finally taking some of that back.

[Barrybran]

Well its sent so be consistent with what you've said.

[ericmsant2]

Scorp7

I had to wait a while before I responded to you…..

Before I comment on your W’s email and your subsequent posts I wanted to mention a few women posters. Melissa, Urworthy, Gabbysmom, Cat and 3boyzmom.

These three women (and there are many more) continue to impress me. They put their kids first. They love their kids, deal with f*cked up X’s, H’s or STBXH’s. Are threatened by their children’s fathers and yet they always put the kids first. Even when it hurts them. They are parents!

I want to mention a few male posters…. Mach, Drew, AKHope, AJM, MHL and J3B (and there are so many more). Some of these men you have seen post to you, some of them have not. They, much like the women I mentioned above are parents. They love their kids more than life itself. They would do anything for them. They are in my opinion men that I am proud to know.

So why do I mention these people?

Because they are PARENTS. Their roles as parents do not define them. Their roles are parents is….something that I want you to read up on. Read them. Go into the archives. Read how and what they post to others.

Parent. What does it mean?

What does it mean to YOU Scorp?

Before you keep reading…I want you to know that I am not trying to make you feel bad. I am not trying to piss you off. I know that you have read a lot regarding your PAST ACTIONS.

You have said that you regret not acting sooner.
I am sorry to say….from where I sit. You still have not changed that behavior.

You said that all you want is to be with your kids.
Your actions say otherwise. I know I know….the laws says this and says that.

Okay…back to parents…

To me, a parent leads! They ensure that the kids are safe. They plan and coordinate their children’s day. Where they will be, who they will be with, what they will eat, etc.

Honestly Scorp – YOUR WIFE is the parent RIGHT NOW.

Yep, while you sit around wondering if she is going to get pissed off if you drink Pepsi instead of Coke, she is parenting the kids. Yep, she planned their birthdays, planned to be involved in Gymnastic’s with them. Plans for the impact of them seeing YOU.
She plans everything Scorp….while you sit here and post about what she MIGHT do or say. She ACTS Scorp. YOU…you REACT. A big difference. She leads. YOU follow. As a parent, I would want my kids to be LEAD..not follow. They will learn this from their parents.

Her email is all business.

YOU? Your still wondering what she is gonna say or feel?

Your kids? They are left to wonder…..WTF is Daddy doing?

I know men, who would cut off their left nut, eat dog chit to see their kids more. YOU? YOU sit around and wonder what she is going to think.

You say 50/50, yet right now, you cannot even express to your W, what YOUR plan is and when you do it really come across as more of a dig to her.

"The suggested plan that I provided was merely for the months of July and August when the children are out of school. I suggest we try this plan for the month of July, see how the children adjust to it and make revisions/changes/negotiations to the plan, if necessary, at that time. Do you agree to the suggested plan for the months of July and August?

Personally, I see nothing wrong with this comment from her. It is too the point, it considers the kids needs and is left open to changes. She is leading – in part because YOU are NOT.

She has all of the control because you have given it to her.

Gymnastics: D6's gymnastics class is in need of help - one coach is not enough for the size of the class and for each participant to receive the right amount of attention and instruction. I have stepped forward to assist with the class. D6 is excited about this. In order for me to help with the class, the plan would have to be that the children are picked up after D4's class...so at 6:45pm at Coffee Shop. Then I would take D6 to class at 7:30pm. Is this something that you feel could work?

In this section of her email…she is telling YOU what she is doing and ASKING YOU…”if you FEEL that could work”. Once again, she is leading. You…..you still struggle with how to respond. Why? Why are you so damn scared of her? Why can you not express HOW you feel? Why cannot you not respond with a YES that works for me or NO it does not? As I mentioned earlier…YOU REACT – SHE LEADS.

I provided the executed Listing Agreement to the realtor via email this morning at around 8:15am.

Once again..her response is straight to the point. No emotion. Just a matter of fact statement. Did you notice that she did not ask if that was okay with you? If you had any questions? If this had been you chances are you would have responded with….is this okay with you? Are you sure? I could also follow up if you want me to? Anything else you need I can do…cause I am really nice guy.

The fact that she responded to the point with no additional comments…tells me that she has her CHIT together. She is detached. You are NOT.

I have started discussions with Mary, counsellor at ... for D6 that we discussed, and I have also let her know that you will be in contact with her throughout the summer to discuss how D6 is doing. I am planning on taking D6 in to meet Mary in early June to see what D6's comfort level is. I'd like to get her familiar with Mary before she is done seeing School Counsellor. After D6 has had the opportunity to meet with Mary, and if she likes Mary and wants to see her over the summer, I will get the contact information to you.

Another example of her LEADING and doing what SHE thinks is best for the kids. She is considering their needs, which is excellent. YOU on the other hand consider HER needs above YOURS and the KIDS.

I also noticed that in your subsequent responses, you never even touched on this. So Scorp..do you want to be involved in the process? Do you want to take the kids yourself? OR are you gonna let her run with it and then complain after the fact? Notice that SHE set the time of when YOU would have Mary’s contact info? Why Scorp? Cause you are NOT LEADING.

You pretty much leave it all up to her…then you tell her you want 50/50. F*ck 50/50…YOUR kids need YOU NOW. IF that is 50/50, 49/51, 60/40, 70/30….does it really matter? FTR, I personally believe equal time with both is what is best but that also depends on the sitch.

I’d like to put my judge hat on….

“so Mr Scorp….you say you want 50/50 – what have you done to convince me that this is what is best for the kids”?

What is your answer Scorp?

“so Mr Scorp….why did you wait so long to pursue this”?
Scorp – filing a motion does not make this a WAR. It simply is an acknowledgment that you and your W do not agree and you need some help to sort things out.

What are your plans for relocating? Are you waiting until the house is sold? etc. "

Once again…straight to the point. Once again…planning for what she will need to do for the kids. Where is Scorp? Oh…he is still trying to figure out if drinking Pepsi instead of Coke will piss her off.

After reading this, I am sure she will not agree to my keeping the kids for the coming week.

Personally, I wouldn’t either. You are about to spring it on her. Why? Cause you keep walking on egg shells so you are afraid to say anything to her.

I also agree with others…10 days may be too much. FTR, you have no one to blame for having to take it this slow but YOURSELF. You have not acted. Now that you do….EVERYONE will need to adjust. Including your W.

So Scorp, I think you have two options….

Keep being all nicey nice and hope and pray that you can see your kids, when and how often she allows you too.

OR

Stop f*cking around, outline your schedule once and for all. If she does not agree then have the attny file a motion.

It really is that simple Scorp. I hope you can see what I believe may be her reluctance to hand the kids over to you, when you have not really FOUGHT for them.

Accept that at this point, the whole being nicey nicey should be throw out the window. Keep it straight and to the point. Stop being so wishy washy.

Draft a parenting plan that works for the kids.

Provide the plan with a date with which she must respond to. If she does not agree – then go to court and have the court decide.

Time to be a parent Scorp7.

Time to stop being afraid of her.

[Drew]

And while you're at it, I would read up on Eric too. He's being modest - you won't believe how much chit he went through.

But more importantly, how much work he did on himself to get to where he's at today.