4th Down And Getting A Little Anxious

[whytry]

My WAS started out so very worried about how her and I getting D would hurt the kids, now she says "We all hurt our kids, they'll get over it" (yeah, but most don't hurt them knowingly and on purpose, just to "find their joy" a direct quote!). They can rationalize just about ANY bad behavior as long as it makes what they are doing "OK"!



Matt165, I feel your struggle on WAW saying kids will be fine. I said that before when I was walking out and I know better, but NOW that my W is leaving she says it like it's no big deal when it was her argument to me months ago. Your W doesn't really believe what she's saying as I hope my W doesn't. I must say my wife didn't say "joy" she said "happiness". Kinda self centered huh? I will say that I'm the last person that can talk about being selfish. Let your kids be your joy as mine are for me. My children started several new "traditions" for spending time with me and it's amazing.

[whytry]

GB, you are 100% correct. Take care of the kids above H wants. I really like how you thought your answer through and stated so well to S.

[Georgiabelle]

Thanks everyone. I'm doing a good job not responding to some of h's ridiculous commentary. Apparently, s11 (who is the sweetest kid in the world) told h he hated him. H said " yeah that therapy is really doing the trick." Not sure if h realizes therapy isn't for the kids to like him or make the relationship better. That's his job.

H's brother adores s11 and took him for a special day on a farm. I appreciate hkm being a positive male influence in s11's life.

[BklynMom]

Your H is drinking up the denial.

One day the mug will be empty.

[Georgiabelle]

So, just journaling a bit and thinking about some things discussed with IC.

I feel weirdly at peace. I do get angry and sad sometimes. I get angry that he just discarded 12 1/2 years. However, when I see h, that is not the person I married so I just sort of carry on. IC asked how I felt about h having a gf. I said, "Well, he was having an EA when he moved out and I know he can't be alone, so it made sense that he got involved with someone 3 weeks after moving out." She said "how do you feel about her? Does it bother you that she's so much younger?" I know where this is going and I have a pretty healthy self esteem. I told her that I don't want to be in college. I'm quite happy being 42 with 3 great kids and a career. I don't have time to play video games all day and she's dating a married man (and she knows he's married). So while she might be sweet as pie, I'm not sure what I would be envious of her for. She's not cuter, funnier or smarter than me and it's not a competition anyway." When she pressed a bit further, I said "She's with a soon to be twice divorced man with 3 kids, mental health issues who is having a midlife crisis. While I loved the man I was with for 12 1/2 year, this isn't the guy right now." She thinks I'm too logical and rational with my thinking.

I welcome any input on this next thought as well. She also thought I should send h photos of the kids or share funny stories. I said, "no." She said this would help with coparenting. I said h has asked about the kids well being/school/etc exactly 0 times since moving out. My job isn't to keep him in the loop on something that isn't top priority for him right now. I don't consider myself vengeful or vindictive and it may sound hokey, but I really try to live my life with karma in mind. Yes, bad things happen to people regardless. It's just called life. However, if I left and didn't inquire, I wouldn't expect h to take the initiative to tell me funny stories of what the kids do, pics, etc. I also don't feel this "rush" to establish this. I miss my old h and catch myself wanting to text him when I have a funny. However, that man is gone and has become everything that he used to speak negatively about in a person. Poof. While h may not see it this way, I have been nothing but pleasant (outsiders say this as well) and will not be a doormat. I assume that man is gone for a while so I have all kinds of time to let everything play itself out the way it should.

I'm working on why I think I have to own everything. My h's complaints in our marriage were not enough intimacy and that I wasn't emotionally available. At the end, he said I didn't trust him. That was pure projection at that point because I always trusted him implicitly (huge for me) until I knew he was having an EA. Intimacy is big issue for me. Obviously, I'm not looking to rush into a relationship. I am happy that I finally do not spend much time if any on the future. I used to say, well we will do x and then y will be this way or do z and then q. I plan for the future, but give no thought as to how it will look like. And sometimes that makes me smile.

Getting ready for a yard sale in the next 2 weeks. New fence being installed around pool (which I need to open soon) and a trip to the lake this weekend. I'm not sure I am the best DBer, however, I'm trying to get better:)

[BklynMom]

I completely agree with you regarding not incicating the text pics and funny stories about the kids.

Not that you aren't willing to do that but if he is not asking...

I also think it is part of their journey. They are in such denial that they wanted to leave their spouse but in many cases, mine for sure, they also want to leave their responsibilities as a parent.

It is no coincindence that they dont ask/want texts and pictures - it reminds them what they have done and what they are missing out out on.

My exH does the minimal amount with the kids. He doesn't see it that way but one day he may...

Every time the kids spend time with him - they are fighting for your marriage.

And boy - I wish I had your self esteem 3 years ago but I have it now and I agree I am happy being 40, having a career, having my kids - I like me as do many other peeps. I am not interested in starting all over again. Nor am I interested in hanging out with 20 yr olds

[Georgiabelle]

Thanks BK. I wanna be clear-I'm not a Victoria's Secret model or anything:) However, I feel that we go around one time on this planet (at least in this format) and getting older means you are still living. Beats the alternative. I never want to go back to another age.......

[LoisB]

They are in such denial that they wanted to leave their spouse but in many cases, mine for sure, they also want to leave their responsibilities as a parent.

B, "many" is too mild. I'd say 99.9% of the WAS/MLC spouses on these boards want to leave their responsibilities of parenting. They want to leave responsibility period. Doesn't seem to matter who pays. I'm trying to get to the part where I see they are doing the best they are able.

Not sure I've ever read a thread where a WAS/MLC-er became a BETTER parent--at least whiles still deeply in the tunnel. Some are forced to parent more because of the stipulation of the courts but more isn't necessarily better.

It's the kids who are the victims on these boards.

[ericmsant2]

Georgiabelle
Appologize for not responding sooner. I continue to watch many of you and you all continue to get excellent advice.
I did want to respond on a few points…

I feel weirdly at peace. I do get angry and sad sometimes.

As fustrating as this cycle may seem…it is needed in order for YOU to heal. I sense in your posts that you may be spending a fair amount of time…looking back on your M, your H and your role in all of this. Probably a little of “why didn’t I see this or why didn’t I change this”. IF this is indeed the case, I personally think it is good thing to do for a TIME. Be careful though, not to 1) spend too much time in the past and 2) rewrite YOUR M. You both played a role in this. Figuring out YOUR part is good for YOU. Trying to figure his part…is…imo, pointless. Keep looking inside, everything you ever wanted to know is in in there. So as I like to say…put on the pink hard hat, grab the flashlight and shovel..and starts-a-diggin..

I get angry that he just discarded 12 1/2 years.

“Discarded”….hmmm….probably describes how YOU feel. Totally understandable. However, have you factored in that HE is not okay in the head? So please, do not carry around the burden of being “discarded” as if something is wrong with you and you have the plague or something.

She thinks I'm too logical and rational with my thinking.

Based on what I read…I agree with the IC.

She also thought I should send h photos of the kids or share funny stories. I said, "no."

I agree with you on this. IMO, you should not act as if everythign is hunky dory. It is not. I am not suggesting that you bash H or drag the kids through the process. I just do not think that acting like some happy family is the way to go. IMO, it just confuses the kids. (and FTR, I did it – they now tell me that they would have preferred that I didn’t).

and will not be a doormat

Good for you. Just remember…you are only a doormat IF YOU think you are a doormat.

I'm working on why I think I have to own everything.

As I mentioned earlier….hard hat and shovel…keep digging the answers are really in there..You may not like the answer. Once you find it though…a lot of things begin to make sense.

New fence being installed around pool (which I need to open soon) and a trip to the lake this weekend.

Sweet. Psst…don’t tell Urworthy…or you’ll find her swimming in your pool one night. (that was a joke).

I'm not sure I am the best DBer, however, I'm trying to get better:)

I think this depends on your definition of a “Dber” as well as your definition of “success”. I’ll leave it to you if you care to respond to those two point.
IMO, you are doing very well Georgiabelle.
Peace,
Eric

[Georgiabelle]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the feedback from everyone. This board has so many amazing people sharing stories and advice.

I know I have issues with intimacy and emotionally opening up to people. I think I do well being open with my kids, however I have struggled with these issues in both of my long term relationships (totaling 19 years ).

Eric, you are right on the logic aspect. This is something I couldn't put my finger on for years. Due to the nature of the work I do, I have taken every intelligence and personality test imaginable. Please note, that I don't think these are the end all be all but they can be interesting and insightful. About a year and a half ago, I had the most intensive testing ever. When the results came back for this company, they actually go over them with you. I had something that came up as very unusual. I am extremely intuitive and OPERATE highly on logic. As a result of that, although I can get along with anyone, I cannot relate to how apparently 98% of the population operates. Maybe this sounds confusing or hokey, but as soon as I heard this it was like a "so that's why that is" moment. I can't explain it. I guess I feel like most people seem "out of control" (bad thinking as expressing your emotions can be very healthy) with the way they operate. I realize operating solely on logic is not healthy. However, I'm not sure how to change that. Gotta keep digging.

I think I have some work today before my next relationship and I'm willing to try to figure my stuff out. However, I'm grateful for good health, wonderful kids, friends, a nice career, and to be here. I will get there.