Biggus Dickus: Part 2

[LoisB]

Good Morning!

Just need to journal for a minute. I had a really hard time getting out of bed this morning. Really hard. Brushing my teeth took a huge effort. Then, I did my morning I almost feel guilty for feeling overwhelmed after all the awesome postings on my thread lately. Thank you all. :-)

I know the Paxil is working its way out of my system. I have the physical scheduled for next week. I'm glad.

My student just cracked me up. We were learning about the Green Mountain boys during the American Revolution and I was telling him about Ethan Allen. He said, "Doesn't he make furniture?" And, I said, "Well, there's a furniture company that is named after Ethan Allen and they make traditional styles of American furniture..." He ended my sentence by saying..."in China."

Ha!!

Anyway, in the true tradition of depression, this morning, I looked around and saw about one million things needing done. The windows need cleaned, the front flower bed needs weeded, dishes need done, car needs alignment, D19 needs picked up on Friday, living room couch needs cleaned or a slipcover after a year of students abusing it, groceries need purchased, summer camp marketing, writing ...Yadda, Yadda...

Good news is...

I stopped myself and asked Heather, "Heather, what do YOU need right now??"

My answer: Help with getting things done.

I exercised for 45 minutes last night. Didn't eat after 8 p.m. Put on some shorts and was pretty icked by what I saw in the mirror.

Had a long conversation with D19 last night. She is determined to go back to school next fall which puts tons more pressure on me. I NEED her to earn six months worth of money and go back to school as a bit more mature adult, capable of handling school, sorority and some earning.

She made valid points and she sounds absolutely distraught at the thought of having to come home for a semester.

Somehow, I need to get her home with her tons of crappp on Friday and fit her into our two bedroom house for the summer AND pay for the extra mouth to feed.

She says she has applied to several places to work over the summer. So, how is she going to get there? One car.

I give up today. I just want to give up.

[job]

Heather,
There you go again! Thinking about things that are in the future. You need to focus on today and today only. Each day will take care of itself.

Yes, it's difficult getting out of bed because of depression, but also weaning yourself off of Paxil. It takes time for those meds to get out of your system.

Okay, so the windows need to be cleaned and the flower bed needs weeding...when your daughter returns home this coming weekend, put her to work. She's 19 and if she's not working a paying job, then she can help out around the house until she gets one. You are not super woman and your daughters can help you if you ask them. I'm sure they would help you any way that they could...but you have to ask them and provide them with tasks that they can do.

As for your daughter getting a paying job...that would be great. The summer job may not be what she wants, but she can surely find work at the local fast food places if the other positions don't pan out. There is work out there, but she needs to be determined go out and find those jobs. As for transportation, this is something that you might want to discuss w/your parents, i.e., a good used car for your family to use. You can barter your time helping your mother out or as a loan to be repaid back at some point. Just thoughts to toss out to you.

Your daughter may want to return to school next year, so put the onus on her to find a way to earn the money and to do the research for scholarships. That's her baby to own, not you. If she wants it bad enough, she will do the work necessary to get there. It's not your baby to own.

You have a barn, can't some of the stuff be placed in there under tarps?

Stop, breathe and stay in the present. Everything will work out.

[BklynMom]

Why are you going off Paxil? I love my Prozac and I am not going off it till I am sure I got my sh!t together

[LoisB]

It wasn't mine to take. Smokey never cancelled his script. I have six months worth of Paxil and took it. Then, realized I had gained a LOT of weight. Have a physical scheduled next week.

[Matt165]

Hey Lois,
I am going through paying for college for my D right now as well. There are some great web sites out there where you can apply for many different, little known grants and scholarships. Just google "Money for college" and you'll be surprised at how many different things you never knew were out there there are!

[LoisB]

GM and Job,

I hear ya.

So, yesterday, I thought about checking in here again. I didn't though. I realized I needed to do something, anything other than identify and expound on the problem. I need to come back today with what I DID to confront it.

I took action on the groceries. Took care of the grocery shopping after my student left. I bought myself some healthy foods that I normally wouldn't purchase. I purchased them for ME.

Came home and asked D11 to clean the kitchen while I took a bath. I also meditated (and fell asleep) for a bit after the bath.

After, my daughter's bestie came over. She had had an MRI after a concussion and they've discovered two lesions on her brain. She is heading to the Cleveland Clinic today to talk to a neurologist. She doesn't have parents she can count on and she sometimes counts on me for the mothering/nurturing when she needs it. I had purchased two big coloring books at the store and some brand new crayons (on sale after Easter). We sat around and laughed. I put all the ToDo's away for an evening and laughed.

When she went home, I read my book on Tapping and found, to my surprise, it seems like just the thing the doc ordered--so to speak. Basically, for those who don't know, it's acupressure.

D11 and I watched Rear Window after our friend left. We colored, read and watched the movie. It was a nice evening.

Tapping: I know I was joking before about it "changing my life." The kids and I have this running joke where, when we see something on a commercial or whatever, we say, "My Gawd, we need that, it will change our lives." Actually, it's mostly me and they roll their eyes.

Anyway, reading this book last night made me laugh, because it genuinely seemed like just the thing I've been looking for to deal with this anxiety, procrastination, depression, fear, grief, etc...

The idea is that your body develops sense memories as a child. And, as you grow older, other things will trigger those sense memories and, if the memory is powerful enough, will stop you in your tracks when your brain reacts in fight or flight mode.

IDK. I'm going to keep reading.

Still woke up with the cloud of fear hanging over me. But, I'm taking this one day on its own terms. Just one day. I will do what I can in this one day to move forward.

[BklynMom]

Sounds like you guys had a nice evening.

I am supposed to be doing tapping but I never do it when I am supposed to. Your post though has inspired me to keep at it.

So you were taking someone else's Paxil without a prescription and now taking yourself off it without a doctor... and you wonder why you have had periods of depression.

I have done this kind of stuff in the past and it doesn't work. The anti depressant doesnt work, the whole thing is not good.

Now that I have a good therapist and am on the right dose, guess what ... it works.

[LoisB]

One other thing. I'm noticing how I've lived my entire life with this fear/depression/grief...whatever you wanna call it. It has been a cloud hanging over my head. A big, nasty, smelly cloud.

And, starting in childhood. In high school, I was in therapy to deal with the cloud because the depression had overtaken me. For a long time, I called it my Albatross. I wouldn't know when the depression would hit or how hard, I would be capsized. I really lived in fear that it would hit me like a sudden storm.

Starting in high school, I began working on "it." Therapist after therapist...dietary changes...self-help books...more therapy...12 programs (I attended at least three different ones over the years)
...exercise...affirmations...cognitive therapy...rational emotive therapy...hypnosis...medications...Whatever, "it" was, I haven't been able to shake it.

By the time Smokey left, I had resigned myself that I would always have "it" with me in one way or another. The medication kept me from going too low and I knew enough to keep my head above water. The meds kept it under the surface. I had accepted the status quo. I could parent the girls and that was enough for me. Still, I couldn't seem to parent the girls AND earn and Take care of the house AND... I had contained the monster, but hadn't faced it.

Funny, here I had told myself that it was I who was pushing Smokey to get better. Maybe, Smokey, in his own quagmire, has forced me to get better??

I HAVE to face this albatross in order to survive. It's clear that I won't if I don't pick it apart and see what's under the blanket.

For today, I'm simply going to pay attention to the feelings that come up. I'm going to accept them and see where they lead me. I'm not going to analyze. I'm going to accept myself too. I'm going to allow myself to feel it and not judge myself. I've really worked hard over the years to deal with whatever "it" is. I am, honestly, a bit stunned when I think about how long I've carried this stuff around. I'm also understanding on a different level, why I have felt so discouraged.

These patterns are so inherent in my body. I've TRIED EVERYTHING to rid myself of them. And, I'm to the point now, where I can see how hard I've worked to eliminate them from my life. I've Tried. I've tried so hard.

I'm going to see if facing one feeling leads me to another, like the peeling of an onion. It feels overwhelming, but I can do this.

[LoisB]

Brook,

The Paxil worked. It was the bomb! I had some revelations even about the anxiety I hadn't really confronted.

I've been one meds for 15 years. It's not excuse to take someone else's meds and, here's the disclaimer: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!!

But, over the years, I've been on Lithium, Zoloft, Prozac, Wellbutrin...Not my first time at the rodeo.

Seriously...I've done it the way your supposed to.

This time, I was willing to try the medication that was already free and in my cupboard. And, it worked, with the exception of the weight gain.

I'm back on my prescribed does of Prozac.

[25yearsmlc]

Do a google on "Essential Experience" workshops. The one I'm referring to is now in Philadelphia. ( It's NOT EST or Landmark, but it has some overlap with "Lifespring".)

Several DBers have attended EE and loved it as well. Ask PowerOfNow, AutumnLeaves or LuckyLuke.

They are (literally) life changing workshops.

Well Essential Experience is Life changing, and I THINK Lifespring is, but I have only attended EST, Landmark, Essential Experience,

(and as a couple, we went to marriage encounters and Retrovaiile, which is for marriages in crisis. That was excellent, btw.)

Of the personal growth workshops I have attended, by far the most profound was Essential Experience, (aka "EE").

For me, Landmark did way too much recruitment effort (felt like a salesman) and EST was a tad too harsh on some participants, imo.

But in one long weekend, EE did the same as 2-3 YEARS of therapy had achieved. It was the most supportive environment to face our demons, that exists, to my knowledge.

And workshops like "EE" are much less fragmented to work things thru. They provide continuity for the process, as opposed to meeting with a good IC and making a break through, only to have to suddenly go back to work or pick up the kids...which happened a lot with my T, and that's when I had a good T...

At EE, you can choose to get free housing, and that makes it easily the most reasonably priced (tax deductible) workshop, ever. It's about 60 hours of therapy, plus support groups afterwards, at no additional charge. And it's about 5% more expensive now, than it was 25 years ago when I first went.

My h went after I did, based solely on the changes he saw, in ME. And he loved it and then we went back, (no charge) together. What a powerful bonding experience that was...if not for that, I doubt I'd have bothered with Div Busting, and would not be here on this site, at all.

Just a thought. You can change, and you must. You need new tools to make the changes and keep them going.

There are resources out there for you. Avail yourself of them. Hang in there. Stop the negative stinking thinking inside you...your d's need to see a positive mother role. (BTW, your d can help you out at home while she's there, but HER life is her job and I'd be wary of counting on her for supporting the household with a job. I put myself thru college and law school with a one time "gift" of $800 from my dad in a crunch. My h put himself thru college, and veterinary school and a few years later, the military put him thru medical school. (Not a cent from family or government grants either, btw.) If your d truly cannot pay for school, b/c it's too pricey or for whatever reason, maybe she can consider ROTC.

I wish I had b/c I owed a lot for law school. IF I'd known I was going to join the military at some point anyhow, (b/c if you can't beat 'em, join 'em)

I'd have joined earlier and had NO school debt AND I'd have earned more while in the military!They count your years in college/ROTC as years in the military and towards retirement. Heck, I'd have been collecting a retirement for almost a decade by now... But at that age, I could not envision any commitment to school or a career...just marriage (oh the irony).

Best deal around if you can handle the commitment, (which I ended up making to them anyhow!)

And oh, please read those LONG posts again, so they really sink in.

((( )))