I do believe he was tired.... I just don't know if he was trying to dodge being with me as well...?? When we first started going out.. he ALWAYS wanted to be with me... this makes it soooo confusing now.
Do I just have to trust that he does love & want to be with me, and I am just being impatient? During this time, I should follow his lead & continue to work on me?
and/or... do I say yes/no to some coffee connections... to not be so easily "caught"... to be more of a challenge? Recalling the previous week of saying no to coffee for 4 days in a row. He asked me out that Saturday.
Not sure how to view the mirrored actions. Yes, its possible he is doing that. If so, what do I do about it? He feels differently, I guess. I do respond to his calls quite effectively when it comes to business. We don't have many personal ones to base judgement on.
Yes, very frustrated on his "I dunno's"... not just today. EVERYDAY!!!
I will ignore my position & frustration (I usually do). Push it down. I know that I need to love myself before others can... I know I am not there yet. I soooo want to be there!!! I am reading quotes of "singleness" daily.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Magic, If you believe that he was tired, then why continue to think he he didn't want to be w/you? Have you ever been tired and wanted to be alone to rest? It takes a lot of work to be w/someone when you are physically and emotionally drained. Aren't there days when you just want to go home and not be around others?
What is your mind and gut telling you to do? What have the posters told you in the past about accepting an invitation every once in a while? Would you continue to decline coffee and meetups w/friends or would you at least accept an invitation every now and then? Relationships start out as friendships and progress from there. Don't you agree?
You both react to each other as reflections in the mirror. What do you need to do to change that? You have more control over your changes than you think.
No, you don't ignore your frustration...you take a walk, find something to physically take it out on, i.e., like a pillow, weeding a flower bed or something else, i.e., exercise, etc. Magic, you have your own destiny in your hands...use your mind and think of ways to deal w/your frustration versus the knee jerk reactions you have that end up putting you back several steps.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I guess because, I refer back to the "beginning" of us... we were so into each other, wanting to be with each other... I am looking for the same. No, neither of us used to have days like that...wanting to be apart... we were so enmeshed for 20 years. Living/working/sleeping together...
I want to believe he was just tired... but, afraid to be a fool and think that he was pulling back as well. He is clearly not ready for much with me... only coffee & the dates that happen on his terms.
My mind and gut are confused. I think I should accept some coffee time and decline on others... just so that I don't believe that its more than what it is... HIS connection time, easing his confusion.... adding to mine!
As for reflection reactions... I guess I need to stop it. Stop being so reactionary? but how? Can you show me how I should have/should be being/thinking right now?
OK.. won't ignore frustration... will exercise & then go for a walk.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Magic, You both have changed over the last year or so and nothing remains the same. We each tend to view life differently as we age and maybe he's thinking about where he's been, where he's at and where he's going and still wants to explore being w/you as well. Life changes and so do we and you have to find a way to accept the changes taking place w/both of you.
Do you want to accept a few of the invitations for coffee? Wouldn't that be doing something different? Wouldn't you have coffee w/a friend?
I can't tell you have to stop your knee jerk reactions...this is something you have to figure out on your own. As I stated previously, I'm not here to offer advice, suggestions or guidance...I'm here to cheer you on and make you think about what you need to do.
Magic, this is your journey and you are the only one that figure out how you want that journey to take place. You are the only one that can decide what you need to do and when.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes, I have accepted some (most) all coffee's. Yes, I would do that with a friend. However, I know he uses this coffee time to connect with me. He should be doing that OUTSIDE of work.
Thanks for helping steer me in the direction to thinking for myself... I just don't see it... I do accept that I am knee jerking, but not sure what to do differently. What specifically is my knee jerk here? and how should I respond differently? I know you stated you won't offer suggestions... but maybe make one exception so that I can see it & know what I should be doing instead?
Here is what I see: He declined my offer on Saturday night. My Knee Jerk: to push, pull, beg him into coming anyway, because I know whats best for him and what I want! What I did instead: I accepted his decline graciously, and ended off in a joking way.
I'm not sure where I went wrong.
I just know that it feels wrong inside now.
Please direct/advise me further?? I am very willing to review & accept your opinion.
I know that I am the one to decide what to do and when, but I want to have some sort of direction in place that guides me towards my goal.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
What feels wrong inside? Magic, look within and I know you can figure this out. Think about it, when you don't appear to get the reactions that you want or see some progress w/your SO, what do you do? Go back to your earlier posting...you were thinking of dating sites. Now, the question that comes to mind is this...are you truly ready to date or were you thinking of doing this and then planning a way to tell him that you were doing it? Sometimes we do things in the heat of the moment, hoping against hope, that those actions will make the other person to hurry up and play catch up. Magic, it doesn't work that way. We each move at our own pace and you can't make him move any faster. So, what are you going to do? Are you going to embrace being single and move forward and leave the door ajar or do you actually want to sit in one spot and continue to talk about your issues day in and day out? Do you want to live your life to the fullest and enjoy it or stay stagnant and wait him out and possibly he might want to make a commitment? Life is a gamble each and every day of our lives, but you hold the key to your own happiness.
We have all provided you with the tools and yes, the directions have been all laid out for you in the responses to your postings. Now, it's up to you to determine which routes you are planning to make on your journey. We can't make those decisions for you...only you can and that's where you have a problem...making decisions and living w/the consequences whether they are positive or negative. Your fear of being wrong is holding you back. Let it go, take a chance on life and trust yourself for a change.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Magic, One more question for you to think about. Don't friends meet over coffee and/or lunch to connect as friends and catch up on each other's lives or to share things w/each other? Don't you ever go to lunch w/friends during the work day? Most people do try to catch up w/friends who are in their area during the business hours for either a coffee or lunch? Why do you think that connection needs to take place outside of the work? It can happen any where at any time. I think you need to think about why you think it needs to be done only after work.
Magic, I can't make any exceptions to providing you advice right now. Why? Because you need to make some decisions/moves on your own. We aren't going down the road of circular conversations any more...that's over and done with and again, I will listen, provide you support and cheer you on and yes, ask questions to make you think for yourself so that you can make decisions for yourself.
BTW, it's time for a new thread. This one now has 104 postings.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
