4th Down And Getting A Little Anxious

[Georgiabelle]

So, just journaling a bit and thinking about some things discussed with IC.

I feel weirdly at peace. I do get angry and sad sometimes. I get angry that he just discarded 12 1/2 years. However, when I see h, that is not the person I married so I just sort of carry on. IC asked how I felt about h having a gf. I said, "Well, he was having an EA when he moved out and I know he can't be alone, so it made sense that he got involved with someone 3 weeks after moving out." She said "how do you feel about her? Does it bother you that she's so much younger?" I know where this is going and I have a pretty healthy self esteem. I told her that I don't want to be in college. I'm quite happy being 42 with 3 great kids and a career. I don't have time to play video games all day and she's dating a married man (and she knows he's married). So while she might be sweet as pie, I'm not sure what I would be envious of her for. She's not cuter, funnier or smarter than me and it's not a competition anyway." When she pressed a bit further, I said "She's with a soon to be twice divorced man with 3 kids, mental health issues who is having a midlife crisis. While I loved the man I was with for 12 1/2 year, this isn't the guy right now." She thinks I'm too logical and rational with my thinking.

I welcome any input on this next thought as well. She also thought I should send h photos of the kids or share funny stories. I said, "no." She said this would help with coparenting. I said h has asked about the kids well being/school/etc exactly 0 times since moving out. My job isn't to keep him in the loop on something that isn't top priority for him right now. I don't consider myself vengeful or vindictive and it may sound hokey, but I really try to live my life with karma in mind. Yes, bad things happen to people regardless. It's just called life. However, if I left and didn't inquire, I wouldn't expect h to take the initiative to tell me funny stories of what the kids do, pics, etc. I also don't feel this "rush" to establish this. I miss my old h and catch myself wanting to text him when I have a funny. However, that man is gone and has become everything that he used to speak negatively about in a person. Poof. While h may not see it this way, I have been nothing but pleasant (outsiders say this as well) and will not be a doormat. I assume that man is gone for a while so I have all kinds of time to let everything play itself out the way it should.

I'm working on why I think I have to own everything. My h's complaints in our marriage were not enough intimacy and that I wasn't emotionally available. At the end, he said I didn't trust him. That was pure projection at that point because I always trusted him implicitly (huge for me) until I knew he was having an EA. Intimacy is big issue for me. Obviously, I'm not looking to rush into a relationship. I am happy that I finally do not spend much time if any on the future. I used to say, well we will do x and then y will be this way or do z and then q. I plan for the future, but give no thought as to how it will look like. And sometimes that makes me smile.

Getting ready for a yard sale in the next 2 weeks. New fence being installed around pool (which I need to open soon) and a trip to the lake this weekend. I'm not sure I am the best DBer, however, I'm trying to get better:)