just hangin around....

[dingo]

The number one thing I find myself missing is all of the activities we used to do together. Whether it was working in the yard or going hiking, we had a lot of common interests and did a lot together. The familiarity and friendship we had with each other is also something that I am missing. We truly were best friends and can still talk at that kind of level when our guards are down.

I don't necessarily think that I have a need to fix her, though there are some things that I would like her to change - primarily with how she manages her money and time. I was accused of being controlling because I asked her to manage her debt and contribute to our shared savings accounts and when she couldn't do those things, I pressured her. That being said, I do want us to learn how to fix and better our marriage and I suppose that involves us both having to fix ourselves in certain ways.

I am afraid of failing under the present circumstances, yes. I think its a awful shame to throw away the life we built for comparatively minor grievances (prior to the A). Two months prior to BD, she was planning on us having a child. Then the OM comes into the picture and its talk of divorce. I simply cannot be ok with the fact that this is not truly about us but is so heavily influenced by another - a fact that she just will not acknowledge.

Some of this is personal redemption. I want the chance to atone for my past mistakes and transgressions.

All of the reasons that I love her are still there. There are obviously some major trust/character/integrity issues and some other unattractive qualities that have been piled on top of that. I do believe that I still love her tough I probably need to really think harder on that.

I am very resistant to change. I am sure this is a fear response perhaps having to do with feeling out of control. Also, despite the fact that I have had numerous successes in my life, there are a handful of failures that still haunt me and quite possibly lead to some low self-esteem.

Things to think further on....