Thanks CB. I do understand what you are saying and because I'm new to this forum, many think I am new to dealing with my W's MLC but that isn't the case. I tried for years to understand why my W was doing the things she was doing. Blowing off me and more importantly her kids, to be with her new "friends" from work. Why the things that were so important to her no longer mattered. It started after she finally had come out of a years long major depression and I was trying to figure out if this was part of that or something else. Even she admitted she didn't "feel' right and blamed hormone imbalances and even said more than once "Can women have MLC's? I think I'm having one".
I didn't know how to act as I was so afraid that if I pushed the wrong way, she would go back down the rabbit hole of depression! After B-day I listened to all the "reasons" I was the problem and tried to change those things. Every time I did, she would come up with something new or say "I shouldn't have had to tell you I wanted a D for you to change". I finally realized it wasn't me or her marriage that was the problem. There were times when she would say "I was never depressed before I was married. Maybe if I went back to the way things were before we got married, me in control of every part of my life, I wouldn't be depressed anymore".
I have changed how I deal with my kids and we get along better than ever. My oldest has blossomed once I stopped allowing my W to over-ride me when dealing with her acting up. Last year she barely made it out of her Jr. year. She had a 1.3 GPA and she was acting up, drinking, hanging with the wrong people and my W and I fought about how best to deal with her. It seemed like my W would do just about anything just so she could disagree with what I was saying. I would tell my D that she had to be home by a certain time and my W would jump in and say "Instead of 1:30, why not give her to 1:45". Now what difference does 15 min.'s make? None. She just wanted to be in control, to be the one in charge and it caused my D to think she could play us against each other.
The kicker for me came when, a few weeks after B-day, my D came to us and wanted to stay with her boyfriend 300 miles away for the summer before her Sr. year. At first my W was with me in saying no way. When my D started acting out, yelling and acting like a 4 year old, my W said this to me: she remembers how she spent a summer with her boyfriend after her Sr. year. They had so much sex she was lucky she didn't get pregnant and she wishes she could do that again. Go away and spend a summer like that with someone she wanted (read "not me")"that way" and she felt bad not letting our D do this! I was shocked at first but at that moment I realized that I wasn't going to let her get in the way when dealing with my D's again! I told her that the answer was no, if she didn't like it too bad. I'm the person in charge of this family, it's my last name they have, and if she didn't like it she can leave anytime she wants but there was no way our D was going. Of course for the next couple days my D was upset but after that things calmed down and once she knew that there were boundaries, things have gotten better and better! She is graduating with a 3.7 GPA and hasn't had one "incident" since.
I have worked on me. I have figured out what my part in this was. That was my fear of her going back into depression. I treated her with kid gloves, allowed her to get away with not being a part of this family but keeping all the support of having a family and husband in place. My W doesn't appreciate that which she knows she can have anytime. She knew I would take up the slack for her when she didn't do her part. That there wouldn't be any consequences when she acted badly or blew off her family responsibilities. On B-day she told me she knows I will always care about her. No matter what happened or if she gained 100 lbs. or got sick and I had to care for her, I always would be there for her. It's the thing she loved best about me. Of course, what she doesn't understand is that there is a point where I can no longer care about her or love her anymore. There will come a point when I will no longer be able to feel this way and stay sane! I remember post B-day when she suddenly wanted our D's to do things with her (she had refused to even spend a day at the river tubing with them but would go sometimes 3-4 days a week with her "friends")and they both refused to go with her. She couldn't understand at first why they always said no to her but would do things with me. My youngest finally said to her when she told her she wanted her to go to her co. picnic with her but NOT me "You never made time for us when dad tried to do things together, why do you think I want to be with you and the people you have picked over me for the longest time?". Did that make her think that maybe I wasn't the problem or maybe that her own actions may have affected our marriage more than just mine? No, she just got angry at me.
The reason I feel so strongly about her father's part in this is because every time she starts to come around and there have been several, she talks to or sees him and goes right back to thinking she needs to destroy everything we have worked for for 20 years to be happy. This started with him when his dad died and he wanted to "make up" for all the wrong he did my W. But, only her as a husband and kids would just get in the way. He excluded me and his 8 year old granddaughter from a "dinner party" he had for my W. We were the only people not invited (we were visiting from 1000 miles away at the time). At one point he came out and yelled at my D that she was bothering them with her watching TV and made her cry for the next 30 min.'s! My D at age 14 still remembers what she was watching when he did this. Thus started 7 years of him trying to get my W to leave me and her kids. I know it's hard to believe this without seeing it, how he would say awful things in front of the kids, how he would exclude them when he visited and leave them alone all day and take my W out somewhere. How he told my W in front of them how he was embarrassed to tell his friends about his D as she was "nothing" when she was a stay at home mother caring for 2 little girls. Of course, now that she is in MLC, she is letting it get to her. As she pulls farther away from us, he gives her more and more attention, something she has wanted since the day I met her. I believe the reason she wants my D to stay with him is because she see's how badly they want to be with my parents. How much they love them and see's how much they dislike her father and it bothers her. She is the only one who thinks he's changed from the man he's always been and that is because she is in her fog and wants it to be true so badly.
Yes, this is all about my W. But this is why I am so stressed about this trying to get my D's to stay with this man! As for my sitch with W otherwise, she has stated she isn't in any hurry to get a D now. All she wants is to separate, her get her own place and see if that is what she needs. She is being reasonable about that and if this is what she wants the only problem I have with it is the fact that she won't help pay for private school for my D. She says she hasn't seem a L (but I know she is getting advice from her dad). She wants so badly for this moving apart to be the answer but I can tell she isn't sure. She says that maybe we can have a marriage again but it would have to be something we moved slowly on which is her way of not losing everything if she doesn't suddenly become "joyful" because she is in control of her life. As she has started more and more to do things behind my back like the bank account, sending my D off to "visit", asking my D's how they would like living in another city, etc.(all since going to visit her father) I am more and more thinking her leaving may be the only answer. Until she gets what she thinks she wants, she will keep fighting and finding reasons it's THE answer! I will not lift a finger to "help' her do it, but if she wants it she is free to go for it.
As for me talking to a L, I am now thinking that this may be the time. Things have picked up steam since her dad has become involved. She hadn't seen him for over a year until she went to Fla, now all of a sudden he is coming just a few weeks after her visit? After he told her if she didn't come right when he said, she can forget it? I find out she wants my D to go back home with him and stay the summer, without saying a word to me? What did she think, I would ask "Hey, where's K?" and she would tell me she was in another state and I would be cool with that?So I agree with you that it's time. It's unfortunate but I think necessary.
Sorry about how long this is. But as you said, all you know is what I have shared. I wanted this to be thorough. Thanks CB. I do really appreciate all of you. I know that no one here is my enemy and everyone really just wants to help and only can know as much as I have shared. Thank you all.
