Crimson.....good WILL come.

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks, 25 -

I hate to belabor or make requests of vets and other posters - but I am still wondering what you meant a few posts ago by "xw will see goodness in you". I have very, very much dropped the rope and gone dark. I do not reach out, and if it is not direly urgent (it rarely is) I do not respond. If I have sent more than 2 or 3 texts in the last month (all in response to her) I would be shocked. No hostility, just short and factual. How is goodness part of that?

So you're saying that if you were in Europe for a year and had no contact with her other than texts and notes, how would she ever see or realize you were a good man? Is that the question? Here are 3 possibilities and we'll use, for now, the "Crimson in Europe" scenario...(b/c we can later address whether you ought to increase contact, be around more, etc)

In the event that the only contact is the rare texts responding to her questions, specifically, how does that look like "goodness"?

1) to her, it may not. To HER, it's possible that nothing you do or say will make ANY difference. IF THAT IS TRUE, i.e., that nothing you do will change her view of you, then truly you must completely let go of caring b/c it literally makes no difference to HER. Thus, you'd be foolish and wasteful of your life trying to change a brick wall into a pool of water. IN any case, I'm sure you realize in this scenario, since nothing you do or say matters to HER, you can let it go, right? I mean for real, let it go.

2) OTHERWISE, how will she see the "goodness" in you? Here are some ways...

A) she would have to allow a positive memory to resurface, which you have no control over and reminders are immediately seen as manipulation. But more reminders are out there than you seem to realize...

B) She'd hear S3 say a positive about you, and concede it to him; perhaps even believing it...and or,

C) OM does or says something just like you did/said, OR in striking contrast to what you'd do or say and then, at that moment, you'll be shining.

Note that none of these^^ are within your control. And in most or all of these scenarios, you won't even know of it unless she tells you.

3) what you DO have control over is whether and how you speak to her or reach out.
Doing it rudely or insufficiently, will be seen as NOT good.

So it's up to you to find that balance, knowing that sometimes "balance" means swinging from one extreme to the other, til we figure out where exactly that middle ground is. Life gets us there if we are not stubborn.

I think not responding to her texts about son, is not good. I think choosing to wait a bit, is fine. I think if she texts a nasty or thoughtless comment, you ought to post here before responding or ask her to re-phrase so you're clear as to her intent. (Let's concede that on occasion, we LBSers do misinterpret things).

Escalating is not good, but rolling over for her has not re-ignited her ardor for you.

QUESTION: what kind of chemistry did you believe you two had? Was it mutual? Meaning, had she been with many OMs before you, did she tell you that you were "the one", how loving and passionate was the actual courtship?

B/C if you never felt she was your soulmate, and or if she never felt that way, it's a harder battle to fight.

I know for myself, that if I had not had several years of an enviable marriage (others commented on it and how well suited we were for each other and at least 3 couples said they wanted what 'we had" in our marriage)....

without those memories and the actual belief h and I were 'meant to be', I'd never have held in there for his MLC (still bristle at that term, but can't digress now...)

So tell us, what was it like when it was really good? To you, and as far as you know, to HER?


I did take son to make her something for Mother's Day (See previous post) - and it was painful, but I am trying to do the right thing and teach him to honor, love and respect his mother (did I mention that was effing hard?).

It was the right thing to do. Even while H was gone, I forced our kids to send him something...and it was painful for ALL of us. (And it arrived late - and h whined!!
That was then, this is now...)

I have just been wondering that from you, 25. Wondering if there is a line of site to goodness in me and/or if at least ONE positive memory or emotion will ever resurface in the shadow of OM. Not that it MEANS anything.

Crimson

I think in your wife's case the memories, if they exist (meaning if the marriage was ever satisfying to HER, outside of having son together), then I cannot imagine her successfully repressing them forever. Why would she?

Oh, b/c it may mean she goofed? No, she can say "once upon a time it was nice but then Crimson changed" and as the evidence of your evil ways evaporates, it will be harder to keep claiming.

So her story will change to "we grew apart" and though that sounds hollow, it will probably haunt her most, when s3 speaks about you. Or a song reminds her of a good time, or a place or an activity, and there are far more of them, than you realize.

Mostly, my advice is that by just not being a jerk, you'll have to hope that the good things we all see here, will manifestly be clear, to a reasonable person.

If that is not her, then maybe she's not the one for you anyhow.

Crimson, Have you ever really conceded that perhaps her "function" in your life, was to make s3 with you, and maybe not a lot else?

I'm just spitballing, but had to ask...

You once said the fertility problem you two had was "mostly" yours. That's unusual but if it's true, then just be glad you met her and had him. Sure, it'd be nice if you had another one with her and you two could have done that and MAYBE that's on you.

MAYBE....but I get the strong impression that the growth you've done would not have occurred b/c the divorce would have been delayed but still happen, and you'd have 2 kids to miss instead of one. Not the worst or best thing in the world, but beyond 2 minutes of wondering, I would not give that a lot of space in my head or heart.

Hope this helps. Bottom line is you don't control much of this. You have to trust that we get you, and that what we see is real. And a reasonable woman would see it too, in time.

If we are right, and if she does not see it or admit it, then ask yourself those other questions, like maybe someone else, some OW is out there, for YOU....b/c that's what we see.

I hold out the hope that your ex wife will get to know OM and at some point will have to see his flaws. He cannot have ALL of and ONLY your same flaws. Surely he'll have one or two that are his own, and that contrasts with YOU. It's just true.

No way will he have the same effect on s3, that you have. She gets to see and hear that too. Those are things not in your control, but which are realistic.

So, anyhow, back to YOU, how are the GAL GOING?