She left - 4

[gogofo]

Friday was a very good day for me. I lined up the baby sitter, arrived a small bouquet of flowers, took us out for an appetizer, went to a dance presentation at the theater, had dinner, and took a walk along a river to a swing that overlooks the area and went home.

During the date from the beginning I laid out some ground rules. When we sat and had a drink and appetizer she started to ask about the kids and brought up work. I playfully stopped her and said I did my background work; I know about her kids and her job, what I want to know about was her. She laughed when I said “Tell me about yourself” but I was serious. I could not remember when we had gone out and not talked about our jobs or our kids. It was awkward at first, but we fell into natural conversation about things we want to do in our future, where our interests and passions lie right now, etc. I wanted to know about her thoughts on the future because I know that a WAW will not have many plans that involve the future.

When we sat down I told her I would order for her. She smiled and said okay as this was something I had never done before. The flowers and my ordering were little hints or love bank deposits for her that showed that I do know things about her and what she likes and that I can also listen to her when we talk now.

The idea for the theater was a great coincidence as I had wanted to take her to some production all year, she likes it, and this was the second to the last day for any production until the fall. Another love bank deposit, doing something that she would like, but I also liked it too; in the past she said that the only things I ever thought of were date ideas that only I would like.

We went to the only place to get a good steak in town, and again I told her I would order for us, she grinned again. Our conversation by this point was more comfortable and natural and neither of us really shut up, we had plenty to talk about.

By the time we finished dinner our body language was more engaged with each other and the tension and uneasiness of the “unusual” situation had waned significantly at this point.

It was still a little early and neither of us wanted to go home so I took us on an “adventure”, we walked along a river trail in the dark on a cloudy night. We walked up to a swing that I knew was there and we just sat and enjoyed the evening for a while.

During the date the physical contact or lack thereof was awkward. During the appetizer we had no contact. During the dance production my back was aching, I am too tall for theater seats to be comfortable, so I put my arm on the back of her chair. No physical contact during dinner. Then during the walk I took her hand while we walked in the dark and she did not let go. We sat and I had my arm around her on the swing while still holding hands. On the walk back if she let go of my hand she would grab it again. It was the first physical contact since BD and I felt similar butterflies that I had when we first held hands.

We went back to her house and talked some more and I fell asleep at her house while holding hands. But right before bed I grabbed her and gave her a kiss, and it was reciprocated. The first night we ever hung out she teased my later in the relationship for not kissing her that evening. I told her I wasn’t going to let that happen and kissed her.

She thanked me for a great night. She said I could have spread the entire night into four separate dates. I told her that I had 4 months to think about getting the chance to take her out on a date and was trying to contain myself, but was feeling great about myself. When we were on the swing she thanked me and said she was enjoying herself and I thanked her and said it was the best night of the year. She chucked and then agreed that it was the best night she had had all year.

The date went very well and my main mission of us experiencing having fun with each other and only talking about us, not our work or children, was great. She seemed to reflect these feelings also.

The next day, Saturday, she had to start a 20 page research project and in the evening she had a bowling fund raiser so I did not contact her after I gave her a goodbye hug in the morning.

[gogofo]

The bigger breakthrough/progress happened on Sunday. I will get to that when I have time to write it up; in between jobs at work.

[gogofo]

After no contact on Saturday the W sent a text message Sunday morning asking how kids were etc. She said she was going grocery shopping and then to work on her paper. She wanted to get the kids later in the evening. Told her just to worry about her paper, the kids would be not worry.

Later in the day she was not getting as much accomplished as she thought and wanted me to keep kids overnight. I offered to bring her food at dinner time so she would get something to eat because I know her enough to know she would just work through and not eat anything and then her body would be revolting against her.

I picked her up and she had a quick dinner with the kids and I. She offered for me to put the kids down at her house and I agreed because it would be easier for all. If they were at my house she would have to wake up at least 90 minutes earlier to allow me to be at work on time.

Put the kids down and told her to work as hard and as long as she needed on her paper. I was now in spouse mode supporting her and acting “as if.” She appreciated the offer and the dinner.

She came home a little earlier that I expected, around 9:30, and we had a nice little chat while watching some Anthony Bourdain. We always bond over food. I was getting ready to leave and she just casually brought up some things about us.

She wanted to clarify if she was invited on the trip I had planned for Memorial Day weekend. I said of course she was, it was up to her. She wanted to come with us and seemed excited.

We talked about current living arrangements and the fact that she does not want to return to my house, ever. The house was built in the 70s and is on the cusp of letting it go or putting a large investment into some renovation and staying there for quite a number of years. She also wants the kids to go to the better schools which are in the district that her house is in. Two years ago we lived in the house she is in now for 4 months but it did not work out well, due to multiple factors. Most of those things have changed and I am not opposed to living there.

She set a timeline of not living together any time before August, which is more than fine with me. We need this time to work on us and not force us together too soon. I was surprised how freely and openly she shared that she has been thinking about us having a future together.

She said that there was never one big issue or event, it was multiple little things that piled up over time. She said she keeps wondering when things will go back to how they were and that scares her. I told her I understood her position of there not being one big event and also that we will need to work together with open communication to make sure we don’t revert. I said we have a lot of work to do with us and if we just let our excitement bring us back together and not do any of the work we will end up in the same position. She agreed and also made it explicit that she was also to blame for what happened in our R. She is taking ownership of her part in the problems we had, she is not placing all the blame on me.

So she is now thinking about our future together, asking if she is welcome to do things with me, and accepting that she was part of the issue in our R.

When I left I hugged her and she sat on my lap and we embraced and cuddled for about 5 minutes, which was very nice. I broke the embrace before she did and she held on for a while more.

Finally she said she sent me an email with a TED talk link while she was working on her paper. The message said that “Thought you would find this interesting. Something to talk about on our next date. ;)” The TED talk was entitled “The Secret to Desire in a Long-term Relationship” from Esther Perel. It was interesting and deals with trying to keep up intimacy and desire in a marriage while also maintaining companionship.

It feels like we are starting the piecing process as she has shown initiative and action towards the piecing process. Her nonchalant “if you try, I’ll try” must have been much more genuine than it came across. She has shown much more desire in two days than in 4 months.

[labug]

Sounds great. Go slowly.

She said that there was never one big issue or event, it was multiple little things that piled up over time.

You're not likely to get multiple chances at this stage. Do you plan to have a talk about what "trying" (if you try, I'll try)means?

[gogofo]

I did not think about having that talk, but we should. Don't want assumptions at this point in the process.

I know it at least means that she will pursue as she has asked my to go out with her on Friday. I have a friend who's birthday is Friday and I may be going out with him. I think it would be a good 180 for me to go and celebrate with him, even if I am just starting putting things back together. Let he think about and miss me on Friday.

[labug]

Go with your friend if you want to celebrate with him. Don't let your actions have an ulterior motive.

I find that being honest in word and deed works for me. It's one of my values.

[SemperFi00]

Agree with labug on both.

Sounds like potentially good progress for you on the R front but take it slowly so as not to spook the squirrel.

Celebrate the birthday if you want with your friend - but don't do it as a "move" or something designed to get a reaction from W.

You are doing well so stay the course and give it sometime to develop.

Stay strong!

[gogofo]

Go with your friend if you want to celebrate with him. Don't let your actions have an ulterior motive.

I find that being honest in word and deed works for me. It's one of my values.

I probably should clarify, I wasn't saying it is a 180 or tactic with an ulterior motive. She always said that I needed to spend more time with my friends, even during BD she said this. She is correct, I do need to spend more time with them.

My thoughts are that if I skipped out on my friends it would be a step back to old me, not the new me I have been working on. The new me would go with the friends and celebrate. The old me would want to go but feel guilty if he went that he wasn't with his family or wife, so he would stay home and think that is what a "good" father and husband would do. The good husband and father would put W and kids before everyone else, including friends and himself and then he would sulk about it and some of his friendships would wane.

I will have to see what my friend is doing. I feel equally compelled to be with both, but know that I will not "lose" my W by going out with the guys if I decide to.

[SemperFi00]

I probably should clarify, I wasn't saying it is a 180 or tactic with an ulterior motive. She always said that I needed to spend more time with my friends, even during BD she said this. She is correct, I do need to spend more time with them.

My thoughts are that if I skipped out on my friends it would be a step back to old me, not the new me I have been working on. The new me would go with the friends and celebrate. The old me would want to go but feel guilty if he went that he wasn't with his family or wife, so he would stay home and think that is what a "good" father and husband would do. The good husband and father would put W and kids before everyone else, including friends and himself and then he would sulk about it and some of his friendships would wane.

I will have to see what my friend is doing. I feel equally compelled to be with both, but know that I will not "lose" my W by going out with the guys if I decide to.

gogofo, sounds like you are thinking through this in a very thoughtful manner. You'll end up doing the right thing.......

I don't have and specific advice for you here but I do know that I was very guilty of the bolded text above and look where that approach has gotten me (us).

Stay strong!

[gogofo]

Friday I am going out with the W. Friend did not seem open to doing much and I think his girlfriend might be doing something for him. I am taking him out tonight for some food and drinks.

Spent Tuesday and Wednesday nights together as a family.

Tuesday night we had planned two weeks ago. I made some dinner and she came over and we ate as a family. We all went together to look at a train and put the kids to sleep together. W was exhausted from her hours she is keeping with it being the end of the semester and went home around 10:00.

Wednesday she had the kids and I was going to lay low at home when she sent a text asking about pink eye medicine. It looks like our youngest son's eyes were getting red and gunky so she wanted to try to catch any pink eye before it took hold. I took it over and we played with the kids and put them to sleep. I stayed and we just enjoyed some quiet time and watched some TV. Sat close on the couch and cuddled for about the last 20 minutes.

I drove home, while it was SNOWING none the less, and she sent a follow up text "Hope you made it home safe. Thank you for everything tonight... it was nice". This is the first time she has sent a message to me after I have left and one showing concern/caring. Small step forward.

We seem to just keep going on this nice smooth slow pace that is keeping us both comfortable while we get to know each other again. I think we are both happy with the pace and she seems to be opening up more emotionally and letting her self be a little more vulnerable as she feels safer and more trusting with me.